Chain of Command
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: I couldn't resist a very young Jack O'Neill. Neither could his CO, Lt. Col. Evelyn Myers. Warning: non canon character ahead. Rated M for sexual content
1. Chain of Command

**Chain of command**

**I took my Evelyn stories down and will post them again as chapters of one longer story because things got a little messy. I'm planning on continuing the story in the future.**

~o0o~

**I just couldn't resist a very young Jack O'Neill – and neither could his CO.**

~o0o~

"Lieutenant!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

"My office. Now."

The young Second Lieutenant snapped to attention and followed his CO.

"Close that door."

After he had turned back to her he hesitated, not sure whether he should step closer or stay where he was. Lt. Col. Evelyn Myers sat behind her desk looking him straight in the eyes.

"Have a seat."

Ow. That sounded serious...but surely if she was to dress him down for whatever he might have gotten himself into this time she would have him stand to attention, wouldn't she?

"Jack?"

He realized he hadn't followed her last order, so he hurried to get seated. It wasn't until he had sat down that he noticed the use of his first name. Or, rather, his chosen first name. Strange, because his file read "Jonathan", and he couldn't remember any superior officer ever calling him anything else but his rank or last name.

"There's something you need to know, and I figured it was fair you heard it from me."

Ow again...

She handed him a slim folder and gestured for him to read.

"Transferring Order Sec. Lt. Jonathan J. O'Neill"

What?

"You have me transferred? Why?"

"Lieutenant, for the sake of the shining career I see ahead of you, you desperately need to learn how to follow orders."

Yeah, he had heard **that one** before...

"Yes, Ma'am, I know, but I just don't understand. I was under the impression you liked - "

He reconsidered and swallowed what he had been about to say.

The Colonel smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"I do, Jack. I wasn't joking about your career. I see great potential in you, if maybe a lack of discipline. But I am absolutely sure you will make a fine officer."

"Yet still you have me transferred." It wasn't a question. He simply stated what he knew he couldn't do anything about. He would be following orders – still not understanding their purpose.

"It's a good assignment, Lieutenant. Maybe even a shorter way to leadership responsibilty than around here. It's not some kind of punishment, you know?"

"But what is it then?"

He just couldn't help it.

Evelyn Myers leaned back in her chair.

The expression on her face he had never seen on her before, neither had he heard her sound so troubled.

"I need to get you out of my chain of command, Jack."

There it was. He just couldn't breathe anymore, let alone say anything. And neither could she. In what was barely more than a whisper she continued:

"I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. I can not let myself be compromised by the effect you have on me. I'm sorry, I just have to."

She drew a deep breath and, all business again, shoved some papers together.

"These are your latest assessments, both from me and from your direct superiors. They are as usual quite impressive and might do you some good with your new CO. As I will not be on base tomorrow I might not see you before you leave. I wish you all the best, Lieutenant. Dismissed."

Still not able to process what had just happened he got to his feet, saluted her and turned to leave the room.

"Jack!"

He stopped in his tracks, swallowing and briefly closing his eyes before he turned back.

She had gotten up and walked around her desk, now standing only a step away from him. Since she was nearly as tall as him she could easily lock eyes.

"I'm sorry", she said very softly. "But for the sake of my career as well as yours I had to make this decision."

He swallowed again, hard.

"Maybe one day you will have to make a decision like this yourself - to save someone you care about more than you're supposed to."

For a moment he thought she would reach out for him, but instead she just closed her eyes.

"I can barely stand to be that close to you", she whispered, eyes still firmly shut, unable to look at him.

After a few seconds of painful silence he cleared his throat.

"Well since I'm transferring anyway and my papers are already signed..."

She opened her eyes.

"...I'm not technically under your command as of right now, am I?"

They were so close now that they could tell the exact colour of each other's eyes – a deep brown, almost black velvet here, a bright green with a touch of grey there.

"This could cost the both of us more than you can imagine", she warned.

"I am willing to take the risk if you are."

And a heartbeat later she closed the distance, touching his lips in what was the lightest of kisses. He froze for a moment, almost enough to make her back away, but then he leaned into the kiss with a fierce passion that completely took her by surprise. He could feel her well trained but very sensual body through the fabric of both their BDUs and pulled her closer.

They broke apart to look at each other. And in perfect sync they made their decision.

-o0o-

She had him pinned down on the bunk that she sometimes used when she had been working late into the night. Now she looked straight into his eyes and then let her gaze wander over his face.

"You know I fell for you the moment you transferred here?"

"What?" He was confused, unsure if she was making fun of him.

"You were all standing to attention in my office, half a dozen of newly graduated young officers, and all I saw was you."

He was speechless.

"You had that air of confidence about you, like you were ready to take on the world right there right then."

He was still trying to find out if she was beeig serious.

"And of course you were just cute."

Her smile became slightly evil.

"Such a cute little flyboy to play with..."

"Ah, 'cute' is not exactly -"

"Shhh...are you trying to argue with a superior officer here, airman?"

"No Ma'am", he rushed out before he even realised what was happening.

"Hmm, such a well trained soldier you are." And trailing her hand idly over his chest and stomach she repeated: "So well trained...and in such good shape...every inch a soldier." By that her hand had reached between his thighs and given his balls just the slightest squeeze.

He moaned and closed his eyes, tilting back his head. The same moment she was above him, covering his throat with her mouth, trainling kisses and licked at his delicate skin. He started to squirm under her, opening his eyes and reaching out for her.

"What do you think you are doing, airman? Lay back."

He hesitated. Her voice got soft.

"Do you trust me, Jack?", she asked.

He closed his eyes and let his head drop back into the pillow.

"Yes", he breathed.

"Then relax. Give in and let me have my way with you..."

Unmistakingly arousing words.

She planted light kisses on his forehead, his temples, his cheekbones, barely touching him. Avoiding his mouth she made her way south over his jaw and throat. He streched his head further back to expose himself even more. With no effort at all she had him stripped of his shirt. She kissed and licked with only the tip of her tongue, trailing over his neck and collar bone and sternum. When she reached his nipple he lost control for the first time. A low hoarse moan escaped him that turned her on more than she could have imagined. He'd been holding back, struggeling not to lose his grip on himself, and now he started to lose it. It pleased her greatly to have that effect on him.

She kept going over his chest and stomach, ever so lightly, resisting her urge to press harder. She felt herself get more and more excited with his growing lust. His breath came in shudders as he still tried to keep control. She could tell he yearned for her to release him from the pressure his hardening cock had to suffer in his BDU trousers, but she ignored it, wanting him to stand the torture. With a slightly mean grin she stroked his thighs with the palm of her hand, adjusting the pressure to ge through the solid fabric, down his legs and up again, stopping just short of the spot he so desperately wanted to feel her hands.

He just couldn't take it any longer.

"Please...", he sounded as if he was in pain.

"You want me to open those pants?" she whispered.

"Yes", he breathed.

"Ask for it, airman. Politely!"

"Please, Ma'am, would you open those pants?"

So she did, and he let out a sigh. But she still hadn't touched him the way he longed for. She was prolonging, and he arched his back in what looked almost like frustration.

"Shh, slowly, flyboy. Take your time..."

He clenched his teeth, jaws firmly set, desperately trying not to plead again.

She put her fingers into the waistband of his BDUs and he obidiently lifted his hips so she could get rid of them. It cost her all her will power not to touch him through the fabric of his briefs but to keep kissing and licking those parts of his body that were naked. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"For cryin' out loud, please lay your hands on me or I'll lose my mind!"

She couldn't help but chuckle, but she finally showed some mercy. She firmly put a hand on him, stroking up and down with the thin fabric still covering him, and he arched against her touch to increase the pressure.

"Permission to take those off als well, Ma'am, please?"

He couldn't think straight but was doing his best to go along with her plan. It was another plea from the bottom of his soul, clad in deeply drilled in military protocol. So she finally released him of his briefs, immidiatley closing her lips around his cock and started sucking softly. He groaned in utter lust, bending into her with his whole body. She kept going until all of a sudden he froze.

She stopped to look at his face, surprised and irritated.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't hold back much longer", he moaned through gritted teeth.

"So let go...come for me!", she purred, claiming him again.

And so it was, the second he heard her say it. He came in long, hard spasms, emptying himself into her mouth until there was nothing left in him to give, and then he collapsed onto his back.

She smiled a very satisfied smile and came up to look at him.

"You ok?"

He opened his eyes to look at her and whispered:

"I'm so far beyond ok that I don't even have a word for it."

-o0o-

"Evelyn?"

"Hm?"

"I was thinking." He propped himself up on one elbow so he could look at her.

She turned a little and looked up at his face. "What?"

"What's the point in transferring me that far away?"

She didn't answer, just kept looking at him.

In a very low voice he continued: "Wouldn't it make more sense to have me somewhere you could make use of me?"

She wasn't quite sure, but there was something in the way he said it that sounded as if he enjoyed looking at it that way. He slipped off the bunk, kneeling in front of it and looking at her. "Somewhere I am at your disposal?"

He was **clearly** enjoying this! And so was she...she reached out and claimed his mouth with hers. He broke away after a while, but only far enough to be able to speak.

"I owe you, you know?"

"What, one – nil isn't acceptable?"

"Exactly...", he whispered against her neck, sending shivers all over her body. "Now do **you** trust **me**?"

She nodded, smiling at him.

"So let me get you out of uniform, Ma'am."

He opened her shirt, kissing her every time he undid a button, and then carefully slid it over her shoulders. His hands slid under her t-shirt, stroking her sides and her back. All the time she kept looking at him, still in control, still enjoying the sight. He hesitated for a moment, locking eyes with her as if to ask for permission, before he pulled the t-shirt over her head. And then he held his gaze in awe, simply adoring her full breasts - covered in a standard black functional bra but still incredibly beautyful and teasing. He just couldn't help but sink his face into them, kissing and licking and stroking.

"Get it off!", she moaned, and it wasn't exactly an order. When her breasts came free and she felt his hands and mouth on her skin she let her head roll back and closed her eyes.

"Get comfortable", he said very softly, and she lay back on the bunk with his lips wandering over her stomach. She wove her hand into his hair, stroking the back of his neck and trailing her fingers over his shoulderblade. He opened the first button of her trousers and kissed the spot he had just gotten access to. One more button, one more kiss. She lifted her hips to meet him.

"Shh, just lay still and enjoy", he whispered against the naked skin of her stomach. He got rid of her trousers, boots and socks and knelt before her, for a moment just looking up at her dressed in nothing but a black slip. He could tell she longed to be rid of that as well. But he was in charge now and planned on a slow and effective revenge. He kissed and licked around the slip – her stomach, her hips, her thighs, stroking her long legs up and down, always stopping just short of her already soaking centre. She shivered in anticipation every time he came close, and let out little moans of disapointment when he just didn't touch her. He could barely control himself, the scent coming from her almost too much to take.

"Please...", she whinced when she couldn't take any more.

"Please what?", he asked in a growl.

"I want your tongue between my thighs...please...I want it so badly!"

She let out a sigh the moment the slip came away and a deep, hoarse moan when his mouth finally connected. It didnt't take long for her to come passionately under his licking tongue and sucking lips, and when it was over she just collapsed, shaking and breathing hard and with moisture on her face that may or may not have been sweat. He still knelt, his head buried in her lap, and she stroked his hair and struggled for her breathing to get back to normal. When it finally did she whispered: "Come here."

He got up from the floor and laid down beside her and she held him close, stroking his back and kissing his neck and shoulders. After a while she went still, melting into his body and resting her head on his chest.

"You are too good to let got", she said softly and he could hear a hint of regret and grief steal into her voice. "Yet I have to. This should never have happened. I am completely at your mercy here."

Her head still on his chest he answered: "You afraid I might report you?"

She swallowed hard but didn't answer.

"Yeah come on as if anyone would believe me if I did!"

When she still didn't react he added: "This is so a case of little-recruit's-fantasy-gone-wild that **no one **would **ever **believe it. Never."

She chuckled, and he turned serious. "And besides, I just won't. Why would I want you to be punished for this?"

She finally came up to meet his eyes, and he took her face in both hands.

"This was absolutely incredible, and I will **never** forget."

He kissed her ever so softly, his mouth just the slightest bit opened, and she kissed him back, trailing the tip of her tongue between his lips, and it was sweet and bitter and meant good bye.


	2. Missing Link

**The missing Link**

**About two years later**

**Please be aware that I know nothing about the military but what I see in TV or research on the net. Yet I tried to be as accurate as possible. This is dedicated to djenie for helping me with that!**

**Oh and be warned – this is mostly sex. Quite graphic.**

~o0o~

First Lieutenant Jack O'Neill didn't like his orders. Not one bit. But since they were coming from a Brigadier General he figured he'd rather keep that fact to himself. If the base commander felt he needed a driver, who was he to interfere, but Washington? What was he supposed to do among all that brass? Well probably he wouldn't get to see too much of them, he thought. He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the general say:

"Dismissed."

From the tone of it he assumed it hadn't been the first time...crap. He came to attention and turned to leave.

~o0o~

The next morning Jack drove the general to Washington as ordered. For the most part of the drive there was silence, as the general worked through the papers he needed for his upcoming meeting. But after a while he asked:

"Have you come to terms with playing the driver, lieutenant?"

Surprised, Jack glanced in the mirror.

"Sir?"

"I could tell you weren't too thrilled by your orders."

Knowing there just wasn't any possible correct answer to that he swallowed. General Butler lowered the sheet of paper he had read and grinned at his young driver in the mirror.

"Don't worry, son. I figure you might like the city. In any case it's two days of light duty."

With a sigh he added:

"For you at least."

"I don't envy you, sir."

Jack ducked his head, realizing that might have been a _little_ out of line.

"Sorry, sir."

Now shut up, O'Neill. The man seems to like you, don't ruin it with that big mouth of yours. He kept his eyes on the road. Butler leaned back in the seat.

"Watch that tone, airman", he said, but there was no annoyance in his voice.

"What's your first name, O'Neill?"

"It's Jonathan, sir, but nobody actually calls me that. I go by Jack."

"Well, Jack, if I may give you an advice: dry wit is a great thing – in senior officers. In order to _make_ senior officer though, you might wanna rein it in a little. Until you make colonel, I'd recommend."

Jack suppressed a grin.

"Yes, sir. I have heard that before, sir."

"You did?"

"My former CO used to tell me I needed more discipline."

"Oh yeah, I remember her signature on you transfer orders. And on your assessments. What was her name? Lt. Colonel -?"

"Myers, Sir."

"Right, Myers. Quite impressive, those assessments."

"Uhm, do you feel I didn't live up to them, sir?"

"No. You did. Just promise me to use that brain of yours, will you?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

The remaining drive was quiet, with the general turning his attention back to his reading. When they arrived at the White House, Butler dismissed Jack, ordering him to check in at the hotel and to be back by 18:00.

~o0o~

"Sir?"

"Lieutenant O'Neill. There should be a reservation for Brigadier General Butler?"

The receptionist looked through her records.

"Yes, Lieutenant, here it is. Do you want me to take care of the general's luggage?"

"No, thank you, that's not necessary. I'll handle it."

She handed him two keys and gave him the room numbers with a very charming smile. She was a beautiful blonde, and he returned her smile. The uniform always worked well, he thought while he made his way to the general's hotel room. After dropping off Butler's luggage he turned to his own room and wondered how he was supposed to spend the time until he had to report back. He decided to change out of his uniform and to go for a walk.

~o0o~

The blonde receptionist seemed to like him just as well in his civvies, if the look she gave him was anything to go by. He flashed her a smile, crossed the lobby and turned towards the door. And then he froze.

A woman in dress blues had just entered the lobby and headed towards the elevators. He wasn't used to seeing her in her dress blues, but he recognized her at once anyway. For a moment he wasn't sure what to do. Then she turned to face him, and she recognized him as well. For a few seconds she simply looked at him, and then she smiled widely. Quickly closing the distance she just said:

"Jack!"

He snapped out of it and even had the wits to remember they were in public, so he came to attention and saluted her.

"Ma'am!"

She paused and then pulled herself together.

"Lieutenant. What are you doing in DC?"

"I was assigned as a driver to Brigadier General Butler, ma'am. He's at the White House."

"You're off duty at the moment?"

"Yes, ma'am. I was about to go for a walk."

"Would you mind if I joined you?"

He smiled at her, and his voice was soft.

"I'd like that, ma'am."

They had walked in silence for a few minutes. And then Evelyn stopped and turned to face him. There were all sorts of emotions in her eyes when she softly said his name once more, and this time he answered her in the same way. She reached out to touch his face, but stopped in midair and let her hand fall away. Her eyes darkened with sadness and regret. She dropped her gaze. He moved closer and touched her face to make her look at him again.

"You're not my CO anymore, Evelyn."

He still held her gaze. And then she gave in and kissed him, tenderly and carefully. He closed his arms around her and deepened the kiss, and her body melted against his.

When they moved apart she breathed:

"I missed you, Jack. Every time I turned a corner I expected you there, but you were gone. Because I had made that decision."

"You didn't have a choice, did you?"

She laughed bitterly.

"No, I didn't. Obviously I can't resist you."

She squared her shoulders.

"When do you have to report back to the general?"

Jack looked at his watch.

"In about an hour, so I should get going. Can I see you later?"

~o0o~

Jack picked the general up and drove him back to the hotel.

"Will you need me again tonight, sir?"

"No, I'll have dinner at the hotel and call it an early night, so I won't need you until 08:00 tomorrow. You're dismissed for today, O'Neill."

Jack went to his room to take a shower and change back into civvies. He hadn't been prepared to go out, so all he had to offer was jeans and a navy blue shirt, but there was nothing he could do about that now. He glanced at the mirror and made his way to the little restaurant that Evelyn had picked. When he arrived she was already there, waiting for him with a smile on her face. She wore a dark red blouse and looked great in it. Approaching her table he softly said:

"Lieutenant O'Neill reporting as ordered, ma'am."

"Sit down, airman."

After they had placed their orders, Jack leaned back in his chair.

"So, what are you doing in DC?"

"Someone I know might face court martial. I was ordered to report on the incident, and I'll have to report back tomorrow to see if they need more information. In case they decide to press charges I might have to testify."

"Oh. You think he's guilty?"

"No, I don't think _she _is. I think someone wanted this to go south."

Jack just raised his eyebrows.

"It's not the first time this has happened and it won't be the last. There will always be people - men - who don't believe in a woman's leadership abilities and try to discredit her. I've seen it before. It has happened to me, too. What's really bugging me is that someone was willing to risk the welfare or even the lives of good people in order to achieve their goal."

"You gotta be kidding me."

Evelyn just looked at him with a sigh. She looked older than her 38 years when she said:

"Jack, there's a lot you have to learn."

He let it hang in the air for moment. But he just couldn't help a cheeky grin and a sassy reply to this.

"Teach me."

Evelyn's mood lightened up immediately.

They spent their dinner talking about the people under Evelyn's command that Jack had known, and about Jack's new assignment. Every now and then one would look at the other and smile, and they both knew where this was going.

They walked back to the hotel together, but Evelyn entered the lobby on her own with Jack lagging behind. They were not actually breaking the regs, but they still felt they shouldn't be seen together. At least not on their way to Evelyn's room. Jack waited a few minutes, then he followed her. He made his way up to her room and knocked. She must have been waiting right there because she instantly opened the door and let him in. As soon as the door was closed Evelyn looked him straight in the eye. Everything she felt was their, plain and open, and he realized that she did it on purpose. She wanted him to know. It was almost too much to take, so he closed his eyes. She moved away.

"I'm sorry, Jack. We shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be this close. I need to stay away from you."

His eyes still closed and his voice perfectly level he asked:

"So you changed your mind. You want me to leave."

When she didn't answer he opened his eyes to look at her. She had sat on the bed, her back turned on him.

"No", almost too low to catch. And then, a little louder:

"No, Jack, I do not want you to leave. I want you here with me so badly I don't even know how to say it. But - "

Her voice died away and her shoulders sank. He knelt on the bed behind her and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Then don't make me leave. Not again."

When she didn't answer he started a tender massage, noticing how tense she was. She let out a breath, and it turned into a little moan.

"God, Jack, you're too good to be true."

"Why don't you lie down, so you can relax, let go?"

She did, shrugging out of her blouse. His hands on her shoulders and her back felt so good...she felt the tension leave her body, and she simply surrendered. After a while she felt his lips on her neck, soft, sweet, careful. All of a sudden there was a lump in her throat. She didn't want to hold back any longer, she wanted him so badly, his hands and his mouth all over her body...she turned onto her back, locking up at him with such passion and longing that his heart skipped a beat. He swallowed hard, and then they smiled at each other. She reached up to touch his face, and he leaned in for a long, hungry kiss.

"I want you, Jack...", she whispered right into his ear, and she knew what it did to him. With a groan he clenched his teeth and buried his face in her neck, and from there his mouth wandered to her throat and all over her soft skin. He gently pushed the strap of her bra down her shoulder, following it with his lips until she practically begged him to take it off. Her pants followed suit, and her panties went with them. There she was, all sprawled out on the bed, completely naked and gazing up at him, and he thought she was adorable. For a while he simply looked at her, drinking her in, his eyes stroking her. His hands wandered, soft, teasing, worshiping.

"You're amazing", he said, his voice thick with adoration and desire. She smiled and reached for him.

"So are you." In one smooth move she had him on his back. She straddled his hips and cocked her head.

"_And _you are completely overdressed, airman. Lose the shirt."

"Yes, ma'am", he grinned, starting to unbutton it. After it had come off, she removed his t-shirt as well. She ran her palms over his chest and shoulders.

"You gained some muscles!"

"You like it?"

The look she gave him said 'Are you kidding me?', and her tongue followed her hands. His head fell back, and it was his turn to surrender. She worked her way down his body, undressing him while she went. The moment her lips closed around his cock a deep, throaty moan escaped him that went straight to her already soaking center. She enjoyed this just as much as he did, turned on by his arousal, thrilled by his pleasure.

"Wait", he breathed. She looked at him, and he gently eased her on her back. When he moved down her body she felt that she was already close – and she realized they had never really...with what felt like her last breath she begged:

"I need to feel you inside me, Jack. Please!"

A moment later he entered her in a long, slow move that felt so incredibly good that she almost started to cry. She arched her back to meet his body, taking him in as deeply as possible, and then she came so violently that she actually did start to cry. He slowed down, letting her ride it out, and kissed away her tears. For a few moments they lay perfectly still. Evelyn felt like she would never move again, completely overwhelmed by the aftershock. Then she drew a breath and looked at his face. He kissed her, and they prolonged the kiss, unable and unwilling to part. When they finally did she said:

"And what can we do for you now?"

He smiled at her.

"I'm fine."

"Oh no. Wrong answer, airman. Just tell me what you need."

From the way his gaze wavered for a second she knew there was something on his mind. She kissed him again.

"Please, Jack. Let me satisfy your needs."

A wave of arousal washed over him.

"You can still say 'no', OK?"

"OK."

"I'd like you to roll over."

A wide grin spread on her face.

"I see. You want to be in control."

It was a purr, teasing him, challenging him.

"Yeah", his voice was hoarse with anticipation. Obediently she slipped out from under his body and turned onto her stomach. When he entered her again they both groaned, reveling in the sensation. He held his upper body above her, his hands on the mattress, but after a while she reached behind her back to draw him closer.

"I will crush you", he protested.

"No, you won't. Just come here, let me feel you. Please."

The moment she felt the whole weight of his body, his chest pressed against her back, she came again. And one heartbeat later he followed her.

He collapsed, boneless, and buried his face in the crook of her neck. His breath on her skin made her shiver. She wriggled against his body, and he finally lifted himself off her and pulled her into a spooning position.

"You are incredible, Jack."

"So are you."

He kept kissing her shoulder and her neck, and she relaxed fully against his chest.

"Can you stay?"

He hesitated for a moment.

"Is that wise?"

"Probably not, but I'd love to have you close. You could sneak out in the morning..."

"OK."

She turned to look at him.

"Really?"

He kissed her.

"Really."

When she snuggled back against him she made a sound that reminded him of a kitten. Sweet and warm and completely content.

~o0o~

Early the next morning Jack got up and dressed so he could report back to the general in time. But before he had reached the door Evelyn woke up.

"Where do you think you're going, airman?"

He swallowed once and turned back.

"Hey."

"I didn't mean it when I said you could sneak out."

She reached out to him.

"Get back here. Now."

He closed the distance and knelt beside the bed.

"I need to get going, Evelyn."

"I just want to say goodbye."

She leaned in and kissed him.

"Who knows if I ever get to see you again?"

"Yeah, who knows", he drawled and kissed her back. Then he got up from the floor and made for the door. He turned back again to look at her one last time.

"Take care of yourself, Jack", she said.

"You too."

And he vanished from her life.


	3. Missing Link - Epilogue

The weekend after Evelyn returned from Washington she went to see her best friend Kate to have coffee together.

"You look happy. Obviously Washington wasn't that bad?"

Evelyn smiled and took a sip of her coffee.

"They decided not to press charges, so me testifying actually did some good."

"That's great!"

"Yeah. And besides - I might have met someone there."

Kate's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline.

"You did? Who?"

"Someone I used to know..."

"And?"

"Well maybe he made me happy..."

Her friend leaned back in her seat.

"Details, Evelyn. Who, when, where, what and why."

Evelyn snorted and almost spilled her coffee.

"You will not get all those details. Forget it."

"Oh come on, it's just two friends talking! Forget about your military discipline and be a girl for once."

When Evelyn still wouldn't spill she tried again.

"OK. Does Mr. Perfect have a name?"

Evelyn smiled.

"It's Jack."

"OK, so now we are talking. Is he military?"

"Yes, he is."

"How do you know him?"

"We used to serve together."

"Oh please this is horrible. Work with me here!"

"OK, OK. Back then he used to be in my chain of command, but he's not anymore, so..."

"Oh, I see, the frat regs. They don't apply now, do they?"

"Nope."

"Was he your commanding officer back then?"

Evelyn's grin was almost evil.

"No, he wasn't."

"Oh my god, he was under _your_ command!"

Evelyn just took another sip.

"What's his rank?"

"He's a lieutenant."

"He's a – _ Colonel Myers,_ what age difference are we talking about?"

She looked a little shy and her voice was low.

"Twelve years."

"We are talking about a military man in his twenties here?"

"Yep."

"Well if _that's_ not worth a trip to Washington..."


	4. Chained again

**\- Sometime during the first season of SG1 -**

Retired USAF Colonel Evelyn Myers was busy around her house. She was expecting a few of her best friends for dinner. When the phone rang, she thought about ignoring it for a moment. On the other hand, maybe it was one of the girls? With a sigh she picked up the receiver.

"Myers?"

There was a brief silence, before a man's voice said:

"This is Jack."

Oh my god. She wouldn't have needed to hear him add his last name. After all these years she still recognized that voice. She took a seat.

"Evelyn? Do you even remember me?"

"Are you kidding me?"

She had finally found her voice.

"Of course I remember you! I didn't know, I mean, where are you? What have you been doing all these years? Are you still in the Air Force?"

"Woah, wait a minute!"

She could hear him chuckle. Oh yes, she remembered him. Remembered that smile...she cleared her throat.

"Listen, Jack, I'm a bit busy here - "

"Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you -"

"No, that's fine, just – I'd love to talk to you when there's more time. Was there a special reason you called?"

"Uhm...yeah...I just thought of you the other day because – well maybe this is a bad idea. I'm sorry. You're busy, so -"

"Now cut the crap, airman. You think after all that time I let you off the hook that easily? Where can I reach you?"

"Well I'd rather not discuss this on base, so maybe you'd better try my private number..."

She wrote down the number he gave her, and they said goodbye. She sat very still for a while afterward.

~o0o~

It took her six tries over a period of two weeks until she finally got a hold of him. When he picked up the phone he sounded like he was out of breath.

"O'Neill?"

"Hey. You're a hard man to catch."

He didn't need her name either. He dropped his groceries and sat down.

"Evelyn!"

"Yes. I tried to reach you so many times, I already thought you'd given me false intel."

"I know you're retired, but you still sound quite military to me. I guess you never really lose that, right?"

"And what would you know about that? Retired yourself already?"

"I was. Got reactivated."

"What happened?"

"Uhm, a lot?"

She laughed at his obvious refusal to answer her.

"Classified information?"

"Actually – yes!"

"I thought so...you disappeared from my radar completely, and that was a long time ago."

"You had me on your radar?"

"I tried."

She heard him draw a breath.

"I was in black ops for quite a while. Then something went – wrong, and I retired. And than they got me back, and somehow I managed to get myself into something classified again."

She couldn't help but chuckle.

"What about you – retired Colonel, I read?"

"Yeah, I made full bird about six years after your transfer, and retired another five years later. I had a nasty accident and didn't want a desk job. What's it say on _your_ uniform now?"

"You're talking to Colonel O'Neill, colonel."

"Wow, you did good!"

"I learned from the best."

Evelyn smiled at that.

"Didn't I say you had a shining career ahead of you?"

"Yes you did."

"So how come you were thinking of you're very old CO the other day?"

"Well, that was because of something else you said back then."

Evelyn knew immediately what he was talking about. So she just said:

"Who is she?"

"She's a captain and a geek, and I really didn't want her on my team, but it seemed I didn't have a say in it. So now I am stuck with her as my 2IC."

"And that's bad?"

"Yes! Well, no, but – oh come on, you know what I'm talking about."

"Do you think you will have to remove her from the team?"

"Have her transferred? I can't do that. She's too valuable to the program."

"And to yourself?"

"What?"

"Jack, don't think I didn't think long and hard before I made that decision. I – knew I'd miss you. I didn't want you gone."

"Yet still you made me leave."

There was silence.

"Yes."

"Did you ever regret it?"

"Weren't we talking about your captain?"

"I see. Distraction, huh?"

She smiled.

"So? What about that captain?"

She heard him sigh in frustration.

"She's – smart and tough and annoying. And hot."

Evelyn laughed out loud at that.

"You know, I knew a young lieutenant once..."

"Come on, I'm being serious. I realized pretty quickly I _did_ want her on my team, and that it wasn't entirely about the program...I really like her. And after all that time all of a sudden I understood how you must have felt. So I thought I give you a call, apologize."

"For what? I fell for you, which I wasn't supposed to, but that wasn't your fault. And yes. I did regret it."

Jack didn't know what to say to that.

"So, you need an advice?"

"No. I already know what you'll say. But I can handle it."

"What about _her_?"

"Are you kidding me? Didn't I mention she was smart? Actually she's a genius, for crying out loud. She's way over my head. She's brilliant, she's young, she's beautiful. She doesn't even look at me."

"You mean she's being disrespectful?"

"No! She's the text book soldier. She just doesn't care for her very old CO."

"Which she shouldn't."

"Which she shouldn't."

There was silence again. Then Jack cleared his throat.

"Well, I'll leave you to your stuff. It was good talking to you, Evelyn."

"Wait a minute! That's it? I'm dismissed?"

"No! I just assumed -"

"Stop it, Colonel! Where are you anyway?"

"Uhm, Colorado Springs?"

"Peterson?"

"No, Cheyenne Mountain."

"What, NORAD?"

"Well, in a way..."

"Right. Classified. I forgot. Anyway – since I have family in Denver: how do you feel about having dinner some day?"

She could tell from his voice that he was grinning broadly.

"I'd love that. Just say when."

~o0o~

She recognized him at once. Tall and handsome as ever, but when he approached her, she could tell he'd gotten older. There was something in his eyes that hadn't been there when he was young. She'd seen it in many military men. And yet the wide smile he gave her was exactly the same that she remembered. She stood to greet him. For a moment both of them weren't sure what to do, but then they made their decision simultaneously - and embraced. He still felt so good...she held on to him for a little longer than she had intended. Eventually she let go and smiled at him.

"Hey!"

"Hey", he answered her, still smiling. "You look good."

"Thank you! You're still easy on the eyes yourself."

She even blushed a little. Chuckling softly he sat across the table from her and said:

"We should have done this a long time ago."

With a swift glance at her hands he stated:

"You're not married?"

"Straight to the point, huh? No, I'm not. Actually, I'm a widow."

He looked concerned.

"Oh god, I'm sorry."

"Thank you. What about you?"

"My ex-wife is alive."

Evelyn was a little startled by that.

"That's good...I mean, not the ex-part, though. Was it the job?"

"You mean Sara didn't like that I was gone pretty much the whole time, and when I came home I could never tell her anything? No, she dealt quite well with that..."

He sounded bitter, but she got the impression that he wasn't being sarcastic about it. There must have been something else, she thought, but knew better than to ask.

"What about your husband, was he military?"

"No, he was a carpenter. I met him when I moved off-base and wanted some changes to the house I had bought. About three years after we married he had an accident. He fell off a roof and suffered a severe head injury."

Jack could tell she had wanted to say more, but fought to keep her emotions in check. He reached over the table for her hand.

"I'm so sorry, Evelyn."

She swallowed hard and squeezed his hand. Then she drew a deep breath and forced a smile.

"So, since the small talk is done -" Jack rolled his eyes at that - "I think people ask about each others' jobs, but that's a no go with you, right?"

"Oh boy, I wish I could tell you. You'd love it! But I really can't. Officially I'm in deep space radar telemetry -"

Evelyn snorted and almost choked on her drink.

"Yeah right, one helluva cover story."

Jack tried to look offended.

"You're saying I'm not smart enough for that?"

"I'm saying you'd be bored out of your skull within a week!"

She took a sip from her glass and leaned back in her chair.

"Are you happy, Jack?"

That obviously caught him off guard.

"I don't think anybody cared about that for quite some time", he pondered."But yeah, I guess I am."

"Can you tell me about your team?"

"Let's see. I've got a geek captain -"

"Ah, the one I owe this to!"

Glaring at her he continued:

" - a linguist, archeologist and anthropologist -"

"Wow, did you practice those?"

Another glare.

"Actually I did. And a – well you could say he's a soldier. Not from the US armed forces, though."

"Oh boy, I'd love to meet them."

Holding up her hand she said:

"I know, I know. Classified."

"Well, actually I'm planning on a barbecue this weekend. How long are you in town?"

~o0o~

Sg1 plus their base commander was assembled on Jack's deck, steaks on the grill and beer bottles handed out, when a cab pulled up in front of his house. He signaled to Teal'c, who reached into the back pocket of his jeans, pulled out a baseball cap and put it on. Jack got to the car and briefly hugged the woman who had emerged from it. She had gray hair, but she was tall and slender and looked like she was in perfect shape. Jack took her small suitcase and gestured for her to come with him.

"Attention everybody? I'd like you to meet retired Colonel Evelyn Myers."

Daniel extended his hand and introduced himself. Evelyn shook his hand and smiled at him:

"I have heard about you, Dr. Jackson. I wonder what might bring a civilian scientist – let alone an archeologist – to work with the Air Force. But Jack refuses to tell me."

"That's just because I still try to figure that out myself", Jack put in. Daniel shot him a glance.

"Please call me Daniel."

She nodded with a smile and turned to Teal'c who gave her a short bow as Jack explained:

"The silent guy is Murray."

Evelyn returned the nod.

"This is my CO, Major General George Hammond."

"Colonel, I hear we suffer a common fate. You need to tell me how you managed to keep that man in check."

After the laughter had died, Evelyn answered dryly:

"I simply gave up, General."

When she turned to the last remaining member of the group, Sam came to attention.

"Captain Samantha Carter, Ma'am."

"Relax, Captain. I'm retired, remember?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"I really like your dress, Sam. Can I call you Sam?"

"Yes, of course. And – thank you."

"Since the official part is done, can we please all get a steak? Evelyn, would you like a beer?", Jack took over.

~o0o~

Daniel was the first to leave, and he took Teal'c with him. Shortly after that the general and Sam said their goodbyes. Jack had invited Evelyn to stay and use his spare room, so it was just the two of them on his deck now.

"I understand what you see in her, Jack. She's amazing."

Evelyn took the last swig from her beer bottle.

"So what are you going to do?"

"About?"

"Oh come on."

"Oh for crying out loud, Evelyn – there isn't much I can do."

From the way she didn't say anything he could tell that she disagreed.

"And by the way, Jack O'Neill, you were wrong."

"I was? Well I usually am, so what was I wrong about this time?"

"She _does_ look at you. When she thinks nobody is watching – she looks at you a lot."

He briefly closed his eyes.

"Don't."

His voice was soft, and there was something unfamiliar in it.

"What?"

"Don't go there, Evelyn, please. I can't allow myself to think about it."

"So that's it? You're missing out on something that could be just perfect for you, because – well, why exactly?"

He turned to look at her.

"It's called regulations, colonel."

"Oh don't give me that. You could reassign, or even retire. Again."

He was silent for a moment, his gaze fixed somewhere out there in the dark, and when he finally answered her she knew she wouldn't get him to say any more. It was his final statement on the subject.

"No, Evelyn. I can't."


	5. Breaking the chains

**I'd like to dedicate this to ****ebineez01 who claimed "****though I am completely a S/J shipper I could totally handle a rekindle between Evelyn and Jack :-)" There you go, handle it ;-))**

_Previously - Jack and Evelyn talk about Sam after the team has left Jack's house: _

"_And by the way, Jack O'Neill, you were wrong."_

"_I was? Well I usually am, so what was I wrong about this time?"_

"_She does look at you. When she thinks nobody is watching – she looks at you a lot."_

_He briefly closed his eyes._

"_Don't."_

_His voice was soft, and there was something unfamiliar in it._

"_What?"_

"_Don't go there, Evelyn, please. I can't allow myself to think about it."_

"_So that's it? You're missing out on something that could be just perfect for you, because – well, why exactly?"_

_He turned to look at her._

"_It's called regulations, colonel."_

"_Oh don't give me that. You could reassign, or even retire. Again."_

_He was silent for a moment, his gaze fixed somewhere out there in the dark, and when he finally answered her she knew she wouldn't get him to say any more. It was his final statement on the subject._

"_No, Evelyn. I can't."_

~o0o~

It broke her heart to hear the loneliness in his voice. She knew exactly how he felt. She remembered how hard it had been on her to be close to him, unable to act on her feelings. What an effort it had been to make that decision. How much she had hurt sending him away. For some reason she didn't fully understand he refused to make that same decision now. Without really thinking about it she reached out to comfort him, and she was completely taken by surprise when he turned to her, moving into her embrace. Probably something to do with all that beer he had been drinking, she thought as she held him.

"You feel good", he murmured against her neck. She closed her eyes and braced herself, trying to shut out what he evoked in her. This was for him. He was vulnerable, and he was hurting. She would never forgive herself if she took advantage of that. But she couldn't help her own emotions washing over her. All those years, another life, and here she was, still falling for him.

"Jack", she framed his face with her hands, "I shouldn't be this close to you..."

He kissed her, and she was lost. This was wrong, they were doing this for the wrong reasons, and still it felt so good, so – right. She resisted for one second, and then she gave in to him. Everything she had ever felt for him was there, stronger than ever, and just like back then she simply couldn't resist him. But she had to -

"Jack!"

There were tears on her face, and he immediately drew back.

"I'm sorry. God, Evelyn, I'm so sorry. I was just -"

"Shhh...it's OK, Jack. You're hurting, longing for someone you can't have. Believe me, I know what that's like. What an irony that it's you now having to go through that."

There was a brief pause.

"It's not Carter I'm thinking about right now, Evelyn..."

She felt like the rug had been pulled out from under her feet. She just stared at him, unable to process what he had just said. There was the faintest of smiles on his face, and she realized he was even more handsome than he had been twenty years ago.

"You're still amazing, Evelyn, and I'm still in awe of you."

She couldn't say anything, and then she felt him back away. He cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry I forced this on you. You and me was so long ago."

She still wasn't able to put her emotions into words, so she simply leaned in and kissed him, tears flowing freely down her cheeks now. When she felt him respond, something inside her came undone. She could hardly speak through her tears, but she had to get it out.

"Oh god, Jack, I need you. I need you so badly."

He wrapped her in his arms and carried her inside.

"My back isn't quite what it used to be", he chuckled as he put her down in his living room. When he looked at her, there was a tenderness in his eyes that hadn't been there before.

"I need you, too, Evelyn. More than you know."

He kissed her again, softly, like he was asking for permission. She gave him permission by melting against his body, and the kiss deepened. Still kissing, and already removing pieces of clothing, they made their way to the bedroom. When they got there, he gently made her lie down on the bed and kept undressing her until she was completely naked. She had put on a little weight, but in all the right places, and was still slender. And more beautiful than ever.

"You used to do that, you know? Looking at me, caressing me with your eyes."

"That's because you're a sight for sore eyes", he said, all soft and loving and no teasing in it at all.

"So are you. Why don't we have a look at _you_, then?"

While he got rid of his clothes he smirked:

"Well, I'm not in my twenties anymore, you know?"

"Yeah, I noticed. Bad back and all."

"Not to mention stamina."

"So I need to go easy on you, all nice and slow?"

He laughed out loud.

"Let's wait and see..."

He settled back into the pillow, and she propped herself up on her elbow. Letting her gaze wander she observed:

"All those scars...I bet you had some rough times."

"Yeah, well, black ops tend to be a little rough sometimes..."

"Can you talk about it?"

"Not really. And besides, I'm not too keen on remembering, so -"

He reached for her face, letting his hand wander to her neck and breasts, and then bending down to caress them with his mouth. She reveled in his tenderness until she could no longer hold back from touching him. She sat up and gently pushed him onto his back. Her hands and lips wandered, and every time she met a scar she paused, wondering what had caused it, wishing she had been there to help him heal.

"You know, I could get used to nice and slow", he drawled lazily.

"What, you getting bored?"

He chuckled. God how she loved that sound.

"No, I'm fine. Just working up the courage to ask you what you want."

"Well, since I don't outrank you anymore, _colonel,_ I guess I have to ask nicely?"

He looked like the cat that got the cream.

"_Very _nicely and very politely, colonel."

"OK, fine, so could I please have that clever mouth of yours all over my body?"

The sentence ended in a purr that brought him a sharp pang of desire and made him swallow.

"Whatever pleases you, ma'am."

And for quite a while there was not much talking going on.


	6. Morning after

Evelyn woke up in an unfamiliar room. It took her a moment to remember last night, but when she did, a smile spread on her face. She turned around.

"Hey", Jack greeted her softly.

"Hey beautiful", she answered, still smiling. She reached out to caress his face.

"Been awake long?"

"No, half an hour maybe."

"You should've woken me up."

He just smiled and softly kissed her lips. She hummed against his mouth, her eyes closed, simply enjoying him.

"Last night was amazing, Jack. _You_ are amazing. Thank you."

"Thank _you_!"

And then his smiled faltered.

"Wait a minute, why does this sound like goodbye?"

Evelyn sobered, too.

"Because I think that's what we should do. Say goodbye."

"No! I mean – why?"

"Because we shouldn't be doing -", she gestured between them " - this."

"For something we shouldn't be doing _this _was pretty spectacular, don't you think?"

That made her smile, but it was a little sad. He tried again.

"So why exactly shouldn't we...?"

"Because your heart is held by someone else."

There it was. He looked guilty now.

"You think I used you. That I was – what, repressing something?"

His hand came up to her cheek.

"I'm sorry you feel like that. I swear I was with you last night, and only you. I loved every moment we had."

"I know. So did I. But still you're not free. You yearn for what you can't have, and like I said, I know just too well how badly that hurts. This can not happen again, no matter how spectacular it was."

"So you admit it?"

Again she had to smile. She slapped his shoulder. Then she turned serious.

"Maybe you don't have to disappear from my life completely this time. You know, when I tried to find out where you had got to and all I found was 'transferred – need to know' I felt like I'd be sick. I knew that could only mean one thing. I was worried to death. And I realized that if you were KIA I'd never know."

She sighed.

"I guess it could still happen, right?"

When he didn't say anything she had her answer.

"So can we please try to be friends, Jack?"

The smile he gave her took her breath away.

"Of course we can! I'd like that. A lot. I might need your advice some day, you know? Concerning – ah crap, you know what I'm talking about."

Returning his smile she got up.

"I think I'll have a shower, if you don't mind?"

"Sure, why don't I make breakfast in the meantime? What d'ya like?"

"How about pancakes?"

That caught him off guard.

"Since when do you eat pancakes?"

"Since when do you know what I eat for breakfast?"

"Touché. Pancakes it is."

When Evelyn joined him in the kitchen it smelled delicious. She set the table and then she sat down to watch him work. He did feel her eyes on him but didn't say anything. And then his phone rang. Without a word Evelyn got up and took over so he could answer it.

"O'Neill?"

…

"Uh, well, I don't think that's necessary, Carter."

Evelyn's head snapped up. Jack covered the receiver with his hand and whispered:

"She says she could come over to help clean up."

Evelyn nodded vigorously. He raised his eyebrows.

"What? Uhm, yeah...she's still here."

He shrugged at Evelyn. She gestured for him to hand her the phone.

"Carter? I'll hand you over."

"Sam? Hey!"

…

"Yeah, just come over. There's pancakes!"

He could hear both women laugh. It warmed his heart to think of Carter joining them. But then again, would it really be such a good idea to have them closing ranks? Apparently he didn't have much say in it, he noticed, as Evelyn already said goodbye, put the phone down and smiled at him. A bit evilly, he thought. She let her gaze wander over his body, cocked her head and said:

"You might wanna get dressed before your 2IC arrives..."

His eyes dropped to his boxers. Yeah, that would make a nice image.

"Not that I mind", Evelyn was still grinning. He resisted the urge to throw something at her, handed her the spatula instead and made for the shower.

Sam arrived while he was still in the bathroom, so Evelyn let her in and they sat down to start on the pancakes while they were warm. The former colonel tried to read the captain as they were chatting along. All of a sudden the older woman said:

"Don't tell me you buy the dumb act."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm talking about Jack trying to fly under the radar. He's smart. Don't ever underestimate him."

Sam smiled.

"I thought so...I mean he wouldn't have made colonel if he wasn't smart, right? But why is he doing it?"

"Well, partly it might be because he seems to have extremely smart people on his team."

Sam blushed a little.

"And partly it might be my fault."

"What?"

"When he was very young he used to be too smart for his own good, especially when it came to his superior officers. I kept telling him to rein it in, and with time I think he found out it can come handy to be underestimated sometimes."

She took a sip and smiled at the younger woman.

"And besides, he used to be a little lazy. But I never told you that."

Sam smiled, too.

"He's an amazing CO, Evelyn. I learn so much just by following his lead."

"Yes, I always knew he'd grow up to be like that. It just came naturally to him from the beginning, and he has incredible instincts. People follow his lead willingly because he inspires great loyalty. I wish I'd had more superiors like that when I was your age. Learn what you can, and I'm sure you will make a fine officer yourself."

"Are you conspiring with my 2IC against me, Evelyn?"

Jack was back, dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, his hair still damp. Sam stood, almost to attention. Evelyn smiled at him like a proud mother.

"Actually we were talking about your leadership abilities, Jack."

"Which are extraordinaire, right?"

"Yes, that's roughly what I said."

"Well, Carter, listen to the woman. She's always right."

And turning serious he added:

"I learned from the best."

They finished their breakfast, and afterward went to clean the kitchen and the deck. When they were done Jack thanked Carter for helping, the women said their farewell and she was gone. Shortly after that Evelyn told him that she had to get back, so he drove her to the train station. They were silent, each clinging to their own thoughts. All of a sudden something came to Jack's mind.

"Do you remember Frank Judge?", he asked.

Evelyn was puzzled, not knowing where that had come from. After a little break she said:

"Vaguely. He was under my command at the same time you were. He transferred some time after you did."

"He did? Did he request to be transferred?"

"Well let's say we agreed that it was for the best."

Jack looked at her with his brows raised but soon had to focus on the road again.

"No, he did not transfer for the same reason you did, Jack. Why are you asking about him anyway?"

"I ran into him recently. I wouldn't have recognized him, but he remembered me. Said some weird stuff about you, so..."

Jack thought back to the conversation he had had with the man.

_"I don't know what was wrong with that woman. She was stiff as a board and had no sense of humor. I thought she needed to get laid, but probably she wasn't into men."_

He had barely been able to suppress his grin. Evelyn looked a little irritated, so he hurried to explain:

"I thought he had some issues with you."

She sighed again.

"If you must know, he made a move on me once."

"Did you report him?"

"No. I told him to stop it, but he wouldn't listen."

"What, he bullied you?"

"Let's say he tried."

Jack looked at her for a moment again.

"How many levels above him in hand-to-hand-combat were you?"

She smiled.

"It was sufficient."

Jack snorted.

"Yeah, I bet...he wasn't the most clever guy, was he?"

She gave a little chuckle.

"Anyway, I didn't want him in my command after that, and it did go into his record. He transferred a few weeks after that. Didn't miss _him_."

They had reached the station. Jack killed the truck's engine. He didn't want her to leave, but he didn't know what to do or say. She turned in the passenger seat so she could look at him properly. She didn't say anything, just waited for him to look at her. When he finally did something inside her reacted. She cared about him, and she knew she always would. But suddenly she felt they would be OK. She wanted him to be happy, and she wanted to take part in his life. But she would try to be a friend, and she would live. Obviously he could read her, because the tension she had sensed before vanished, and he gave her a genuine smile. OK, that smile didn't help...she returned it anyway, kissed his cheek and said:

"Take care, Jack. And call me once in a while if you like, OK?"

"Promise. Take care yourself."

He was actually looking forward to talking to her, and he intended to do it soon.

~o0o~

**I tried to find out if there was a train connection from Colorado Springs to Denver but failed. If there isn't, please go easy on me. I've never been to the states!**

**I plan on having Jack and Evelyn talk periodically throughout the series, as suggested by Nerdmom1701. Any preferences as to what events they should discuss? Jack would have to be vague of course...**


	7. Fire and Water

They had lost Daniel. He had died an awful death right before their eyes, screaming for their help. They had left him behind. Only to find out he was alive.

Jack sat at his house staring at the phone. He had planned on calling Evelyn for weeks but never found the time. Now he was on downtime and didn't know what to do with himself. He knew he needed someone to talk, but he had gotten so used to not giving in to that need, because for the better part of his life there hadn't been anybody to talk to. He thought back to all those times, all those missions gone south, all the while fiddling around with the phone.

When he had made it home after nine days in enemy territory with a broken skull, Sara had held him, and he knew he wouldn't have survived without the thought of her. There wasn't much to talk about, he had crashed, he had been injured, he had healed. She had been there for him.

When that mission in Potsdam had gone wrong, he had tried to tell her how he felt, but she hadn't been able to relate, to fully understand since he couldn't give her the details. They had both been frustrated, and he had simply stopped trying. He could talk to his comrades, his team, but only about the facts, never about how he felt. He could have talked to a shrink, someone from the AF who had clearance, but he had been afraid it might look bad. Like he was cracking under pressure.

When he came home from Iraq, after having been declared KIA, after four months in hell, he did talk to a shrink. His superiors had insisted. He had convinced the doc that he was fit for active duty, but then again the man didn't know about the nightmares. Sara couldn't help him. He wouldn't talk about it, retreating behind the 'classified' line. They both knew it wasn't true. He wasn't protecting sensitive intel. He was trying to protect himself, unable to name the horror he had faced, unable to lose his face to his wife.

When Charlie died, he had felt incredibly guilty, both for the death of his son and for his inability to comfort his wife. When she left him, there hadn't been a single soul on the planet he would have wanted to talk to.

And now he had lost Daniel. The closest thing to a friend he had had in a long time, and it was his fault. They had him back, he wasn't dead. Just like Jack hadn't been dead when Frank Cromwell had left him behind. But they might have lost him. Because he had left him behind. He'd sworn to himself that would never happen under his command, he'd drilled it into every recruit he had ever trained. And still they had left Daniel behind. And getting him back had been Daniel's own credit as well as Carter's for her bravery in the hypnosis experiment. He hadn't done anything.

And here he was, trying to find comfort. Did he even deserve that? And was it fair to impose all this on Evelyn? Yes, she was a former colonel. She knew the pain that being in command could bring. But she was retired, and from what he knew she had a good life. Was it fair to drag her back into that world of pain and fear that she had left behind?

He still stared at the phone in his hand when it rang. He certainly didn't feel like answering it, but afraid it might be some SGC emergency he did anyway.

"O'Neill?"

"Hey, it's Evelyn. I know you said _you_'d call but since I'll be in the neighborhood next week...oh, sorry, how are you?"

He smiled at the speed her mind and mouth worked.

"Hey, it's good to hear your voice. How are _you_?"

"I'm fine, but I asked first."

He should have known that she really meant the question. He closed his eyes for a moment, going back to the debate he had had when she called.

"I'm – drained."

That obviously surprised her. Not the fact that he was, but that he'd admit it.

"Oh. So this is a bad time?"

"No."

He sank down on the couch.

"Actually I was thinking about calling you."

"You were?"

"Yeah. I guess – wait a minute, didn't you say you were coming to Colorado Springs?"

"To Denver, but I can easily make a detour if you're OK with that. Given you're not on a mission."

"Well, you never know...but actually I'm supposed to be home next week."

He paused briefly.

"I'd really like to see you. Talk to you."

Now she was concerned.

"Jack, did something happen?"

"I can't talk over the phone. It'll have to wait."

"Is everybody OK? Your team?"

She was still thinking like a commanding officer, he mused. Always thinking about her people. Or his, in this case.

"Yeah, they're fine. We had a rough time, but things are OK now."

"You do have me worried, Jack. Do you want me to come sooner?"

He normally would have declined, but he really needed her. Before he could think about it too much he said:

"Yes. Please."

She had been concerned before. Now she was alarmed.

"OK. This sounds like an emergency. I'll try to get the next available flight. I'll let you know when I'll be there."

Jack tried to back-pedal.

"It's not _that_ urgent, Evelyn. You don't have to drop everything just because I'm a little shaken."

"Stop it, Jack. There's nothing I can't reschedule. All I need to know is – do you want me there?"

She was afraid he'd say no, denying himself whatever comfort she might be able to give. If he did, she'd back off, but she was very relieved to hear him say yes instead.

It was late when Evelyn's plane landed. She was tired from the rush of getting to the airport and booking a last minute flight, and while she had been in the air she kept thinking about what might have happened. She had second thoughts about her offer. Maybe she was exaggerating. Jack was a seasoned officer, certainly he could deal with whatever the job brought. But then again he had sounded more than just a little shaken. When she got out of her cab at his house he was standing on his front porch, waiting for her. She stepped up to him and after one look at him simply wrapped her arms around him. He held on to her, his face buried in her neck.

"Hey. Wanna tell me what happened?"

He drew back and led her into the house. They sat down in his living room and she looked at him. He drew a deep breath.

"Daniel was KIA."

She looked at him in shock.

"What? You said everybody was fine!"

He realized he should probably tell her the last part of the story first, so he rushed out:

"They are, it's OK. He's safe. It wasn't for real."

"What? Wait a minute. Slow down. Tell me from the beginning."

"We lost him on a mission. He was taken prisoner, and the – guy who captured him messed with our brains."

"You were brain washed? All of you?"

"The whole team. We were made to believe that Daniel had been killed. We were sure that we'd seen him die and that the area was too unstable to even go back and recover his body. I ordered the team out."

He ruffled his hair.

"We had a memorial service, hell we even held a wake and were about to close his apartment."

Evelyn still hadn't said anything. Now she cleared her throat.

"And then? How did you find out?"

"We all had those flash backs and something about the whole thing felt off, as if we knew he was still alive. Carter went though this hypnosis thing and came out completely terrified, and she said that he was alive and that we had to get back."

"So you did. You rescued him."

"Actually all we did was pick him up. He'd rescued himself. Apparently he had given the guy what he wanted and was released. We should never have left, Evelyn. We left him behind. We gave up on him. Hell I should know what that feels like."

"What are you talking about?"

His head fell back against the couch.

"Really don't wanna talk about it, Evelyn. Just that I _know _what it feels like when your team gives up on you. The people you trust with your life. We should never have left him there."

For a while she didn't know what to do or say. Then she started, low and dead serious:

"I was promoted to major while I was in Vietnam. About two weeks later I lead a team on a scout mission. We were ambushed, and I lost my 2IC in the attack. I was furious when the rest of my team kept me from checking on him, insisting that we fall back, and I threatened to have all of them court-martialed. We secured the area the next day and recovered his body, and it was obvious that he had been dead instantly. Still I hadn't slept that night, wondering if maybe he was still out there, hoping for us to come and get him. Or even worse, if he'd been taken prisoner. I guess what I'm trying to say is these things happen. They shouldn't, they mustn't happen, but still they do. And those in command have to make decisions. I'm sure you did the right thing under the circumstances. You had to make sure the rest of your team was safe. And after all, Daniel is alive."

Jack laughed bitterly.

"He doesn't have _me_ to thank for that."

"Does that really matter?"

He looked at her blankly.

"It's not about you, Jack. I know you feel responsible -"

"I _am_ responsible, for crying out loud! He's my responsibility, he isn't even military, he's a negotiator. He's the kindest person I know, always seeing the best in everybody, always believing in the non-military solution to every conflict, and he's brilliant. All _I_ am supposed to do is keeping him safe. And. I. Failed!"

His hands were shaking and he couldn't stay seated. Evelyn got up, too.

"Hey."

She carefully touched his shoulder, ready to avoid a blow should he strike out. But he didn't. His shoulders sagged, and he looked utterly spent. He didn't look at her.

"It's not just about me failing a team mate. He's a friend, Evelyn, and I betrayed him."

"Is he mad at you?"

Jack smiled, but it looked sad.

"I don't think Daniel has ever been mad at somebody."

She waited for him to look at her. When he finally did she said:

"So don't be mad at yourself, Jack."

He closed his eyes and let her step closer.

"Thank you", he breathed when she pulled him in a hug. Evelyn knew the worst part was over when he let out a breath and relaxed into her hug. She smiled and let go, and then she said:

"Always."


	8. Evelyn has a life, too

**I felt Evelyn deserved some backstory.**

_Previously:_

_She carefully touched his shoulder, ready to avoid a blow should he strike out. But he didn't. His shoulders sagged, and he looked utterly spent. He didn't look at her._

_"It's not just about me failing a team mate. He's a friend, Evelyn, and I betrayed him."_

_"Is he mad at you?"_

_Jack smiled, but it looked sad._

_"I don't think Daniel has ever been mad at somebody."_

_She waited for him to look at her. When he finally did she said:_

_"So don't be mad at yourself, Jack."_

_He closed his eyes and let her step closer._

_"Thank you", he breathed when she pulled him in a hug. Evelyn knew the worst part was over when he let out a breath and relaxed into her hug. She smiled and let go, and then she said:_

_"Always."_

~o0o~

Jack felt a little uncomfortable after what he thought of as a breakdown, but Evelyn didn't seem to mind. She just sat on his couch, and he realized he hadn't even offered her a drink. She gladly accepted when he finally did, and they both didn't say anything for a while. Then something came to his mind.

"The man you were talking about, your 2IC -"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna talk about him?"

She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"You don't have to, of course, I just thought – ah crap, forget it."

"No! I'd like to tell you. His name was Marcus Jones, and he was a captain. I liked him, he was funny and kind and he'd accepted me from the beginning. Unlike many others. He always used to draw, we joked that even under attack he'd first make a sketch of the enemy before pointing his weapon at him. But that wasn't true. He was good. He was quick. He shouldn't have...well it wasn't fair. But I guess it never is. Since I was his teamleader I had to write my first letter to the next of kin. It took me all night, I think I tried about two dozen times and still wasn't satisfied. I even went to see his parents when I was stateside again about a year later."

From the look on her face Jack could tell that hadn't gone so well.

"How'd they react?"

Evelyn played with her beer. She took a sip and said:

"They were mad, and still paralyzed with pain, and they blamed me. His mother asked me if I had children, and when I said no she shut down completely. Obviously I couldn't imagine what it feels like to lose a child."

She didn't notice Jack closing his eyes.

"I didn't know what to tell them – just like I hadn't known when I wrote the letter. On the way back I thought about resigning."

He cleared his throat, refocusing.

"That bad?"

"Well it wasn't just Marcus. I had been stationed at Hill AFB for a few weeks only and already I had to face the same crap I had when I got to 'nam. I felt like maybe they were right, that I didn't belong there. I was starting to get tired of that – always having to prove myself. All that fighting to earn people's respect when actually we were supposed to fight side by side...I was in my early thirties and I really thought about giving up."

"Why didn't you?"

She smiled.

"Someone talked some sense into me."

"Your superior?"

She laughed and shook her head.

"My sister-in-law. I called my brother and told him how I felt. Theresa overheard us and demanded to talk to me. She had some kind of hero worship going on at the time, I think. She's seven years younger than me and an only child, I guess she needed a role model."

"She sounds like a sensible woman. Picked the right person I'd say."

"Whatever. She gave me a good talking-to about not giving the bastards what they wanted but keeping up the fight. She's a brave girl. And I listened to her."

"You two seem to like each other."

"Yeah, we do. When I go to Denver it's as much to see her as to see Andrew. Oh and there are the kids, too. Well actually they're hardly kids anymore. Madelyn is 23 by now and Leonard will be 19 next week, which is why I was planning to go see them. I talked to my brother, and he said it's OK for me to come visit sooner than I had planned."

"What, you're planning on leaving me at first light?" Jack said in mock shock.

Evelyn looked at him more seriously than he had expected.

"Yes, Jack, I will. This was a rescue mission, and I guess it was completed."

"Oh, OK...where do you live nowadays anyway?"

"I bought a house in Bountiful after I had made full bird. I still live there."

"How far from the Lake?"

"It's a half an hour drive."

"I bet it's beautiful. I love all kinds of lakes, and ponds and such, you know?"

"You should come visit then."

"Yes!"

He pumped his fist. Evelyn raised her brows.

"So that's what you were aiming for?"

"Subtle, huh?"

She looked at him with an affectionate smile.

"Very. Look, I'd love to have you come over. Show you my life."

She ducked her head a little, afraid that may have sounded silly. But he returned her smile.

"I will. Promise."


	9. Singularity - Cor-ai

**A little something along the way. Jack and Evelyn are missing each other. Trying to talk on the phone I mean.**

Singularity

"Hello. This is Evelyn Myers' number. I can't take your call right now, so please leave a message."

Jack considered for a moment.

"Hey, it's Jack. Too bad you're not in. I'm about to gear up so I don't have much time. Just wanted to tell you...ah crap, this is probably a bad idea..."

He let out a sigh.

"We – on the last mission we came close to losing Carter. She's OK, nothing happened. But she did something incredibly stupid - and incredibly brave. Not to mention that she refused to follow a direct order. It was some kind of suicide mission she had decided to go on, and she did it although I had ordered her out. I was...god I was absolutely sure were about to lose her! I felt...I just couldn't do anything, Evelyn. And then it was over and she was on the radio. I couldn't believe she was alive. When she got back I didn't know if I should hug her or throttle her. I probably shouldn't feel like that about my 2IC. But I do."

He was about to end the call when something came to his mind.

"Oh you should probably delete this. Take care."

When Evelyn came home the first thing she noticed was the flashing red light. She hit the button and listened to Jack's voice. She knew he was right about deleting the message, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it straight away. Knowing it might not be of much use she called him anyway. Only to talk to his answering machine:

"Hey, it's Evelyn. You're obviously - not home, I hope things go well and everybody is OK. Make it back safely. I'm glad Sam came out of this OK, whatever it was. I guess I know what you must have felt like...can't believe she disobeyed a direct order by the way. Ya think some CO might be rubbing off on her? Give me a call when you're back. Oh and you might wanna delete."

Cor-ai

"Myers?"

"Hey. Are you real? Flesh and blood?"

She chuckled.

"Hi Jack. It's good to hear your voice. Live. In person. How are things in the deep space radar telemetry field?"

Jack plopped down on his couch, phone in hand, beer in the other.

"Uh well you know how these things go. We tend to almost lose people here."

"What? Again? Who was it this time?"

"We like to keep things even, so after Daniel and then Sam this time it was Murray. Funny how I'm the only one who's safe..."

He was _so _not telling her the Hathor story. She would have loved the beat about all the men going nuts and the girls saving their collective asses, but no way would he go _there._ How should he have explained that anyway.

"Jack? What _about _Murray?"

"Oh, sorry, zoned out here for a moment. Uh remember I told you he wasn't – uh _originally _AF? Something from his past came to bite him in his butt. But we got him out."

He reconsidered.

"Well actually he got himself out, being the stubborn but honorable man that he is. Remind me not to argue with him."

Evelyn chuckled.

"So the team is safe?"

"Yes, they are."

"And how are you?"

"I'm OK, how are you?"

"I'm still working on the new issue of my book. By the way did you ask Sam?"

"Crap, Evelyn, I forgot. But I really don't see why she wouldn't want you to call her. I'll give you the number and you girls can knock yourselves out."

He still wasn't sure if he liked the idea of those two getting to know each other too well, but hey, who was he to interfere with what might as well be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


	10. Solitudes

**A pattern is developing here I guess. Obviously I'll post chapters chronologically, even though I'm not writing them that way. My favourite episodes will get a little more attention while the rest - not every single one – will have to do with a phone call or a short visit. Still like to know what you're thinking.**

Solitudes

The day after Jack was released home, Evelyn paid him a visit. When he opened the door she rushed out the line she had prepared:

"I'm beginning to lose my patience with you, colonel."

Only then did she take in how pale he was, and how weak his smile looked while he raised his brows at that kind of greeting. She explained:

"You've been telling me you'll come visit for ages, and again it's _me_ coming to see_ you_. What did you get yourself into this time?"

"Ice. A lot of freaking cold ice."

He hugged her, but she could tell that it hurt. She let go and they stepped inside, sitting down in the living room.

"Ice?"

"Yeah, I fell. Broke the leg and a rib and hit my head, oh and doc says there was some internal bleeding."

"God, Jack, who do I have to bribe or blackmail to find out what it really is you are doing?"

Smiling, he shook his head.

"Not going to happen."

"Was the team with you?"

"When I got stuck, there was only Carter with me."

"Now I see why she didn't want to talk about doing that interview any time soon – was she as badly injured as you were?"

"No, fortunately not, but both our butts were frozen to the ground. With hers being the greater loss to humankind of course."

"Jack!"

She swatted his arm.

"This one was serious, wasn't it?"

He ran a hand over his face.

"It was a close call, Evelyn. I was unconscious when they got to us. And a while after that. I really thought I'd die there. Even gave Carter the famous line."

Now it was Evelyn's turn to raise her brows.

"You did?"

He realized she'd misunderstood him.

"You know – 'honor to serve with you' and stuff."

"Oh."

"Anyway, we made it." He let out a breath. "How's the book coming?"

She accepted the fact that he didn't want to talk about himself any more. Or about his 2IC and how he very nearly had died in her arms. At least that was the way she imagined it.

"Evelyn?"

She snapped out of it.

"Oh, yes, the book. I'm done with most of the research and almost all the interviews – mainly waiting for Sam."

"You want me to order her?"

Evelyn chuckled.

"I guess that won't be necessary."

He looked down at his hands.

"When you girls are talking..."

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind _not _talking about – uh, _us_?"

She sat back on the couch with a cheeky smile.

"You mean _back then_ or _recently_?"

"Neither?"

"Jack, seriously, you're really afraid I'd talk to your 2IC – who, by the way, most probably has feelings for you - about something that could still get both of us in trouble after all those years?"

"I was out of your chain of command!"

"Barely. It was a _very _fine line."

"Well, you're retired, and _recently _there was no chain of command."

"Still I won't talk about it. Do you still trust me?"

He couldn't help but think back to the first time she had asked him that. Under completely different circumstances. Very –_ intense _circumstances. Not going there, Jack.

"Jack?"

"What? Oh, of course! I do trust you. Just making sure I'm safe with the two of you getting close."

She smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"You are. Don't worry."

When she felt him relax she grinned and added:

"We wouldn't want her to be angry at you while she's supposed to cover your six out there, would we?"


	11. Finally

**Sometime around the end of season 1; dedicated to djenie who helped me come up with a little more back story for Evelyn. Please keep in mind that I know nothing about the military besides what I see in TV shows.**

Finally

It had taken him ages, but for once there was no emergency at the SGC, no immediate threat to the planet, no rescue mission to embark on. Therefore Colonel Jack O'Neill had finally taken some leave that was _not_ for medical reasons. He was fine, no broken bones, no staff wounds, no alien diseases. Just plain simple time off. And he was planning on keeping a promise.

When his plane touched ground in Salt Lake City he actually felt like he was on vacation. He left the airport, and there she was, waiting for him.

"I can hardly believe you're really there", she said as she hugged him.

"Yeah, well, you know, good things come to those who wait", he quipped and pulled her closer. For a moment she simply enjoyed his embrace.

They stopped once on their way to Evelyn's house to get some groceries. Jack was eager to see the lake, but Evelyn told him the weather forecast for the next day had just been perfect for that. So they decided to spend a nice cozy evening catching up on the last few weeks.

~o0o~

"Oh, it's cold in here", Evelyn said as soon as they were through the door. "You think you could get a fire going while I put away the groceries?"

"Yes, ma'am."

She snickered and went to the kitchen. When she was done she returned to the living room, finding Jack squatted down in front of a crackling fire. He stood and turned to her, backlit by it's soft warm glow.

"Mission accomplished, ma'am."

"Jack, we're the same rank, you should really stop calling me ma'am."

"You've got more years in the service."

"I'm retired."

"Anyway." He turned serious. "I guess I'll always think of you as a superior officer."

"Oh don't worry, that will change as soon as they pin those stars on your shoulders."

He snorted at that.

"Yeah right, as if that would ever happen."

"General Jack O'Neill? Does have a ring to it, don't ya think?"

"Uh, I don't know. I guess when I'm no longer fit for active duty I'll just retire."

He looked around the room and back at her.

"Seems to suit _you_ just fine."

She smiled.

"It does."

He looked a little unsure.

"You wanna tell me why you retired?"

"Yeah, sure. Why don't we get seated."

Evelyn sat down on the couch and Jack went for the armchair. She looked at him.

"Remember I told you I had an accident?"

"Yeah, sure. It was retirement or flying a desk I recall."

"I badly hurt my back that day, but there was a casualty, too. I lost a man under my command in that accident."

Jack looked down.

"Oh crap..."

Evelyn drew a deep breath.

"They said I shouldn't have been there."

She let out a bitter laugh.

"Those were my people risking their lives. _Of course_ I had to be there!"

She stared at nothing, clearly reliving that day. Her voice was flat, but her pronunciation was crystal.

"There was a terror alarm. The bomb had been found and we were called in to dismantle it. When we got to the building it had been evacuated, everybody was standing back. My team stepped forward, all geared up. The team leader was Major David Hayne. He examined the bomb, and the team went to work. I just watched and held my breath. They were the best, Dave had a natural instinct and knew everything there was to know. It took some time, but they made it. The team fell back behind the secured line and I waited for Dave to signal the area was clear. When he did I stepped closer to check on him and tell him 'well done'. He looked exhausted, so we walked a few meters to the side. He sat down and started to take off his helmet. And that's when the second bomb went off behind him. I felt the heat and the blast wave, and then nothing. I woke up in hospital. Dave hadn't made it."

Evelyn had closed her eyes, she looked like she was in pain. Jack got up and sat next to her on the couch. She turned to him, and a moment later he engulfed her in a hug. She felt tense in his arms, but when he softly rubbed her back she started to relax.

"A year ago to the day my husband had died. I should have taken the day off. It was my fault."

"No it wasn't. It was an awful accident. There -"

"Oh cut the crap, Jack. Don't give me that. There was nothing I could have done? Yes there was. I should have made sure there was only that one bomb. That was what I had been told in advance, but I should have that checked before I sent my people in. I lost a good man because I didn't pay attention."

She could tell he wanted to object again, but there was simply nothing to say. He started rubbing circles on her back again.

"What happened to _you_?", he asked softly.

"I woke up and couldn't feel my legs. I'd been thrust backwards, hitting some edge with my back. My spine was damaged. There was a massive swelling, the spinal chord had been bruised. They kept draining liquid, and after 4 days it started to look better. Then an inflammation set in. They hooked me up on antibiotics, I wasn't allowed to move, and finally they got it under control. It took me months to regain control over my legs, and they're still weak. When stressed or exhausted they sometimes give way."

"You're telling me that only a year after losing your husband, you had to go through _that_? Was there anybody there for you?"

"My brother and his family. The came to see me while I was in rehab. We became even closer than we'd been before. After rehab I went to live with them for a while until they were convinced I'd survive on my own. They even wanted me to move in permanently, or to buy a house in Denver, but I just liked my house too much. After all, Greg had put so much effort in it. It felt like I came back to him when I moved back in."

There was a slight smile on her face. Jack's voice was low when he said:

"You never mentioned his name before."

She still smiled.

"I was happy with him, Jack. We had so little time, but what we had was wonderful. I loved what he did to the house. When we first met I showed him around, and the place was desolate. But he saw what it might become right away. He had all those ideas, and a solution to every problem. And he was so happy when he could build something, create something. I watched him work whenever I could, and I fell for him. Hard."

Her smile looked a little shaken, happy and sad at the same time.

"And then it was over, we didn't even have three years together."

Jack felt helpless and uncomfortable.

"I'm so sorry you had to lose him."

Evelyn moved into him again, and he held her for a while. Then he softly said:

"Why don't you give me a tour? I'd love to see all of it."

She pulled away from him and smiled.

"Lousy host, huh? No drink, no tour,..."

"Well I'll live", he grinned, happy that she was starting to look better. She got up and motioned for him to follow her.

"Come. I'll show you."


	12. Postcards from Europe

Postcards from Europe

**I realized that nothing in the first half of season 2 really tickled the muse so I decided to do something a little different instead of just skipping it. You might wanna have a look at the places I'm describing on the web. They are truly beautiful.**

**Concerning the part about Germany: I might have given up on this if it hadn't been for ebineez01's help. Thank you! Oh and if you don't like it, blame **_**her. **_**;-) ****I'm taking some liberties there - Nellingen Barracks was an Army base, not Air Force, so Evelyn would probably not have been stationed there. But I grew up within three klicks from there, so I just **_**had **_**to use that. Sorry. There **_**were **_**in fact troops deployed to Iraq from there during "Desert Storm". Research is fun ;-)**

**Last comment: the chalet is ebineez01's request.**

~o0o~

Jack and Evelyn had been on the phone for a few minutes when she said:

"I'll be abroad for the next few weeks."

"You will? Where?"

"Europe. I always wanted to travel when I was retired and it seems I never did it as much as I could have. So now's the time."

"Where will you be going?"

"I'm planning on Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Malta and the Canaries – though that's not exactly Europe."

"Wow, that's quite a tour."

"Yeah...I was thinking...if your schedule allows it – would you like to come over and meet me in one of those places?"

There was a brief silence. He certainly hadn't expected that.

"Uh, well, why not? I guess I must have a ton of leave."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yeah", he said, surprised by his own decision.

"Great! Any preferences?"

"Anything that's not Germany, please."

Evelyn chuckled.

"You have issues with Germany?"

Again there was a pause, and it was long enough for her to get it. She turned serious.

"Crap. You do."

"Uh, well, let's just say we don't actually have the best record."

"Wanna talk about it?"

He thought back to that hell of a mission that had ended with him enjoying the famous Iraqi hospitality for a few months, and which had started out of a southern German army base. And to that other one about a decade earlier that had gone south so badly he still had nightmares about losing a friend near Potsdam. So all he said was:

"I guess Berlin is out for me, and so is Stuttgart."

She closed her eyes for a moment. Could he have been deployed to Iraq from exactly the same base she had been stationed – she did the math – a decade earlier? Evelyn's voice was soft when she answered:

"OK, so just pick whatever place you want."

"I hear Switzerland is nice this time of the year. Do you ski?"

"Oh yeah, I'm thinking nice cozy chalet!"

She heard him hum. And so it was settled.

~o0o~

When Jack came home one day he found an envelope in his mail that had been stamped in Germany. When he opened it, there were two postcards in it, and he recognized both places. He turned the first one over and read.

_Dear Jack!_

_I know you're not too fond of Germany, and if I guessed right especially as far as Nellingen Barracks is concerned, but I just have to show you this. I was stationed there from May '79 to September '81. It was closed in '92, and a whole new neighborhood was developed called "Scharnhauser Park". They even won a few architectural awards! It's a completely new place, so very civilian and vivid and green, I hardly recognized it. I think you'd really like it the way it is now._

_I hope you even get this card before you leave for Switzerland. I'll catch up with a few old acquaintances and then leave for the Rheinfall. I guess I'll make it to Davos before you do, so I'll start a nice cozy fire in the chalet, and I'll shop for that incredible Swiss chocolate. Make sure you make it. I've been missing you. Hugs, Evelyn_

_P.S.: lots of snow!_

The second card had a castle on it surrounded by vineyards, and that one made him smile. The smile grew even broader when he read Evelyn's comment:

_I don't know if you've ever been there – it's the Esslinger Burg. We used to climb up all the way from the city with a bottle of wine or two and sit there on the castle wall. Maybe when you were at Nellingen Barracks this was still a popular place to spend an evening. I actually did it again now, only in plain daylight and I didn't bring wine. _

Oh yes. He did remember both places. And it felt as if Evelyn visiting – and telling him about it – took the edge off the bad memories. In fact those places hadn't been too bad, just the stuff that came afterward. The fact that she knew those places as well as he did – maybe even better since she had been there longer – made him smile. She was still full of surprises.

~o0o~

When Jack finally made it to Switzerland he was exhausted and jet lagged. He got into a cab and settled back into the seat. That was when he realized how ironic it was to travel between planets in mere seconds while traveling planetside was still such an effort. He briefly wondered if it had been really wise to go to all that trouble for a few days of skiing. But with the cab slowly making its way through the narrow streets, made even narrower by the walls of snow to each side, he started to relax and to look forward to seeing Evelyn. By the time they reached the little chalet he was smiling to himself. He paid the driver, picked up his bag and straightened. He definitely needed some exercise if the stiffness in his back was anything to go by. When he turned away from the car he spotted her leaning against the door frame, a smile on her face and a steaming mug in her hand. She looked amazing.

"Hey", she said, and her smile widened. She put the mug down and he dropped his bag.

"Hey", he answered and engulfed her in a hug. After a while she pulled away to look at him.

"You must be dead tired. I feel a little bad about luring you here."

"It's not that bad. Nothing Swiss chocolate couldn't cure."

She chuckled and picked up her mug. It smelled delicious when she held it out to him.

"For me?"

"Actually I meant to drink it myself, but you're needier."

He just grinned at that and nodded to her when he accepted the mug. It _was _delicious. Evelyn watched him enjoy the flavor and wondered how the guy could keep his shape with that sweet tooth of his. Then she decided he had had enough and reached out to take the mug from him, but he wouldn't comply.

"You said it yourself. Needy."

She just smiled, shook her head and moved back into the chalet.

"Get inside. I'm freezing", she called over her shoulder.

"Yes, ma'am", he mumbled, picked up his bag and followed her inside.

They had had dinner, and they had talked a little about what Evelyn had been up to, but she noticed he looked really drained. They should probably head to bed she thought. Which included a little problem she had been thinking about for a few days now. She cleared her throat.

"I guess we should call it a day. You're obviously jet lagged."

He yawned and stretched.

"There's one thing to resolve, though."

He looked at her with his eyebrows raised. She sounded a little too serious for his liking. She went on:

"There are two bedrooms. You feel like we should use both?"

"Uh, how do _you _feel about it?"

"I think that should be _your_ decision."

"It should?"

She leaned in a little, her palms flat on the dinner table.

"Jack, I've always had it bad for you. A lot more than vice versa I think. So it should be up to you if you want me in your bed. The last few times we saw each other there were separate bedrooms, guest rooms, whatever. So..."

"This is different. This feels like – _our_ thing. I'd feel stupid sleeping down the hall from you."

She smiled.

"OK. One bedroom it is."

When they were laying side by side Evelyn turned to him.

"Can I snuggle up?"

"Sure! C'mere."

She rested her head on his chest.

"So how tough a skier are you?"

"Uh, well..."  
"Black slopes?"

"Probably..."

"I should have known."

"How about you?"

"I can do black on a good day, but I'm more comfortable with red. Especially after the accident. Tell you what. Why don't we start slow, see what the weather's like, and the snow, and we can still go our separate ways if you get bored and meet up for lunch. Oh and I _have_ to show you the trail around the lake."

"There's a lake?"

"Yes, I went for a walk there yesterday, and it's just beautiful. So don't wear yourself out completely on the slopes."

"Yes, ma'am."

They were silent for a while. Then Evelyn said:

"This is nice."

"What exactly?"

"Us, here, close and calm, planning on a day of something we both enjoy. I like it a lot."

"Well thanks for inviting me!"

There was another pause, and this time it was Jack who broke it.

"Evelyn, what exactly is this thing between us?"

She lifted her head to look at his face.

"Hey, I thought you didn't do emotion!"

"It seems with you it's easier than – with anybody else."

She lay back down and was silent for so long he was finally convinced she wouldn't answer, but eventually she did. Low and tender and a little sad:

"I _still _care about you. A lot. And probably still more than I'm supposed to. I think we could make some kind of long distance affair thing work if you wanted that, but then there's Sam. I don't know."

He seemed to be lost in his thoughts for a while and she didn't press him. He sighed.

"It's true. There's Sam. I do have feelings for her, and it seems they won't go away even though I know I can't be with her. If anything they might be growing." He shifted so he could look at her.

"I feel like I – God Evelyn, I shouldn't really be discussing Sam with you of all people. I'm sorry."

"That's OK, Jack. Who would you be discussing it with if not me?"

He realized that was true. And still what he was about to say was cruel. But he had to get it off his chest, so he said it anyway:

"I don't think I could be in a relationship with you because – because I can't do that to Sam."

Evelyn swallowed once.

"And I know that's a cruel thing to say because it means I value her feelings higher than yours. I choose not hurting her over not hurting you."

There was a lump in Evelyn's throat and her voice failed her:

"You can't be with her yet you deny yourself the chance to be with anybody else. Not to speak of me getting hurt in the process."

She just couldn't keep the tears at bay any longer.

"I think I changed my mind about the bedrooms", she breathed and got up from the bed.

"Evelyn!"

"No, just – let me get some distance. I'll be back to good friend in the morning."

The door closed behind her and Jack lay back, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes. Where had that headache come from? He made a mental note to himself: 'Keep away from emotion talk. You suck at it.'


	13. Postcards from Europe part 2

**Didn't wanna make you wait for too long since you're all so worried about Evelyn. Good to know you care about her! :-)**

Evelyn woke to the smell of coffee and the sight of Jack O'Neill with a tray in his hands.

"Hey", he greeted her, his voice soft, careful, maybe even a little unsure.

"Hey. What's this?"

"Peace offering."

"Were we at war?"

"You tell me?"

"Set it down and get into bed with me."

"Yes, ma'am."

He move around the bed and lay down on top of the cover. Evelyn turned and looked at him.

"I'm sorry I was a little melodramatic yesterday. "

"You weren't. I hurt you. You were trying to protect yourself. And it's me who should apologize. I'm sorry I ruined this", he gestures around the room, indicating the whole trip.

"You didn't. I just had to deal with a door that had just closed - "

"Right into your face."

She smiled a little sadly.

"- a door that I had always imagined to be ajar at least. And I'm sorry I made being friends sound so hollow. I value our friendship. I don't want to lose that."

"Won't it hurt?"

"It hurts in the right places." She kissed his cheek. "I'll live. And didn't you bring breakfast?"

~o0o~

They spent the first day adjusting to the height, the weather and the snow, finding their way around the slopes. They had lunch in one of the lodges and called it a day early so Evelyn could show Jack the path that led around the lake. They went about half the way and sat down on a bench, facing the water, enjoying the last rays of the setting sun.

"This is beautiful", Jack said. "Thank you for showing me."

"I'm glad you like it. So, were you bored today?"

"No, why would I be bored?"

"Oh come on, I know you were going easy on me. Wanna try those black slopes tomorrow?"

She could see something flash in his eyes. It was enough of an answer, so the next day they went their separate ways and agreed to meet around noon. Evelyn made it before Jack did, so she made herself comfortable on the porch in front of the lodge and observed the skiers that went by. She spotted him the moment his tall frame appeared on the slope in front of her. She followed him with her eyes as he made his way towards her – and then she realized he was coming in way too fast. He wouldn't dare! A moment later she was covered in snow, splattering under his skis' edges from a textbook all-out braking, and he was grinning like mad. She was snorting and patting her clothes, and then she jumped off the porch as quickly as she could with her ski boots on, threw the biggest snowball and tackled him. He went down, unable to move with his feet still in the ski fittings, and they lay on the snow in a heap and couldn't stop laughing. After they had finally untangled they lay side by side on their backs - still laughing.

~o0o~

They spent the next days either skiing or going for long walks, went out for dinner or cooked at the chalet, and spent the evenings in front of the fire. On their last evening together they were snuggled up on the couch.

"Jack?"

"Hm?"

"I was thinking..."

"Uh oh."

She swatted his arm.

"Sorry. What were you thinking?"

"I'd like to give that sleeping in one bed thing another try. I knew it didn't go so well the last time, but..."

"...you feel like it might be the last chance we get?"

She was surprised.

"Yeah! Actually that's how I feel."

He smiled and pulled her closer.

"I'm fine with one bedroom, Evelyn."

"Can I still have this from time to time?"

"Have what?"

"This. You being...tender."

"Of course. I do care about you, you know?"

She relaxed against his body.

"I know. Feels good."

He kissed her hair and got up from the couch, pulling her up with him.

"Let's get you to bed."

And so they spent their last night together in Europe in the same bed, happy just to be close, unwilling to justify themselves to anybody. And then Jack had to get back to the States and Evelyn continued her journey.

~o0o~

When he got back there were two more postcards waiting for him. One was stamped in Germany again. It showed a small pond surrounded by trees. The water was such an intense blue and turquoise that it looked almost fake. He flipped the card over.

_This is incredible. Yes, it really looks like this! It's the Blautopf, and the water springs from a cave underneath the pond. I couldn't believe the colors. Since you like water I thought you might find it as beautiful as I did. I wonder what it looks like in fall when the leaves add red and gold. On my way to Switzerland. Evelyn_

The second card was stamped in Schaffhausen, Switzerland and showed a castle and the famous Rheinfall.

_Hey Jack, looks like I got you another castle - this one is called "Munot" - and more water. Of course I had to show you the Rheinfall. I stood and watched for a long time. The water's power is impressive. I was lucky to be there on a bright sunny day, so the spray produced all kinds of colors. Such a beautiful and powerful place. Might wanna come and see it one day. Hugs, Evelyn _

_P.S.: Still looking forward to Davos, though you're probably on you way already. _


	14. Postcards from Europe part 3

**This is the last part of my little detour in this story before I'll get back to canon. **

The next postcard Jack found in his mail was from Locarno, Tessin, Switzerland, and it had palm trees on it! When he turned it over that was the first thing Evelyn mentioned.

"_Palm trees! No kidding! The rest of Switzerland still looks like a winter wonder land, and here they have palm trees! I did some sightseeing, and yesterday I drove all the way up into the mountains as far as I could, along the river Verzasca to the little village of Sonogno. I sat at the river bank, and once more I thought you'd like it here. Oh and of course there's the Lago Maggiore. It all feels very much like Italy here although it's still Switzerland. I'll catch a train to Milan tomorrow. __Really__ Italy then."_

So that was the next one: Milan, Italy

"_I'm sitting in a little pizzeria right behind the cathedral. The food was great and now I'm having coffee. On the inside the cathedral felt gloomy, but I loved the view from the top. I'll see 'Carmen' at the Scala tonight! Will have to go shopping for that. What better place to go shopping than the Milan Galleria! Happy girl here. Hugs, Evelyn"_

He smiled when he tried to imagine Evelyn shopping for a dress to wear at the opera. He'd never seen her in anything else than her uniform or jeans. Or nothing at all.

A few days later he got a card with a little lagoon that looked like a film set for a pirates movie. It said it was from Comino, Malta. There was only one line written on it.

"_I think I will simply stay where I am."_

Obviously Evelyn had changed her mind eventually, because the next card came from Gran Canaria, showing an almost black beach.

"_I had a full week of sun, sand and sea. This is great to wind down. It's warm, but not too hot, and they say it's pretty much like this all year. Lots of retired people from central Europe spend the whole winter here. Gives me ideas...kidding. I'll catch my plane tomorrow. End of journey. I'm so glad I did this! I'll call you when I'm home. Yours, Evelyn."_

There was no message on his answering machine when he made it back from planet "garden-with-virtual-reality-pods" – but another card. Salt Lake City.

"_I know I said I'd call, but somehow I just got used to the picking postcards thing. I made it home in one piece, and after three days of coming down from the jet lag, unpacking and doing the laundry I'm ready for new adventures. I'd really like to see you...here, Springs, or how about that cabin you keep talking about? Pick one. Love, Evelyn."_

Card still in hand he picked up his phone. Only to talk to her answering machine:

"Hey, it's good to know you're stateside again. I'm scheduled for another mission next week, but after that I could probably manage to get away for a few days. Cabin sounds great! I'll try and catch you again later. Bye!"


	15. Need

**I realized there _was_ an episode in early season 2 that I wanted to do – actually it was ebineez01 who spelled it out for me. And since I can _so_ relate to back pains these days...**

It took them some time to actually make it happen, but finally they met at Jack's cabin. By then he desperately needed some time to recover from the last mission, and the cabin was just perfect for that. Daniel had been - Daniel. Getting them all in trouble, and when they had almost been _out _of trouble Spacemonkey had been buried under rocks, brought back to life by a princess and gone all Prince Charming complete with marrying the princess and all...all the while the rest of the team had been worked to death. Well, almost. He still had the constant pain in his back, and his knees, to remind him of that.

~o0o~

Jack got up from the couch and couldn't completely hide a grimace when the familiar pain set in. Of course Evelyn had noticed it.

"I could have sworn you looked comfortable on that couch."

"Uh, well, I'm fine _lying_ on the couch. Usually it's the getting up part that sucks."

"Usually?"

He didn't comment. She got up too and stepped behind him, putting both hands to his back.

"Where?"

"Lower."

"Lumbar spine?"

She put her thumbs to both sides of his spine and pressed. He groaned at the sudden pain.

"Crap, Evelyn."

"Sorry."

She let her hands fall away.

"I could try and do something about it, you know?"

He considered brushing her off – but the prospect of maybe getting some of that pain to go away was too good.

"OK."

~o0o~

"Oh my God this is good", Jack said, muffled by the mattress.

"This might hurt, but it should wear off after 30 seconds", Evelyn warned him before she put pressure on a certain spot an inch to the left of his spine. From the way he tensed under her hands she knew it was the right spot – and she knew it had to hurt. She held her breath and watched out for the reaction she was waiting for, counting in her mind. There it was – he relaxed, slightly, not yet trusting if the pain was really gone. Then he turned his head to look at her.

"This is magic, Evelyn!"

She smiled.

"No. Simply craft."

She searched for the equivalent of that spot on the right side.

"You're right handed, right?"

"Yes?"

"OK, so this will probably hurt more than the other one."

She applied just the slightest pressure – and backed off when she heard him hiss through his teeth. His back had just become more rigid, a fact she just hadn't thought possible. He had already been so tense she nearly wasn't able to find the right spots. He consciously relaxed his muscles.

"Go again."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Worked fine the first time."

"But it will hurt."

"Yeah. I know."

Since he seemed to be determined she tried again. She grimaced when his original reaction set in, and it took some more time than it should, but finally she felt the tension wear off. His breathing was a little frantic, but soon he started to relax. He turned onto his back.

"Seriously, Evelyn, it _is _magic. This is the first time in months that some of that pain wore off."

She was shocked.

"You're telling me you've been in pain all that time and never felt like you should do something about it?"

He shrugged.

"Like what?"

"Well, I don't know! Like massages? Physiotherapy? Like talk to your doctor?"

"Honestly, Evelyn, I think she's usually a little too busy patching me back up to pay attention to back pain. I've been having problems with my back on and off for a long time, and the last mission didn't help. But it's just not that important."

"Are you simply not taking care of yourself or are you downright self destructive?"

"It's just a bad back, Evelyn."

"It's you being in constant pain!"

His eyes turned soft, and so did his voice.

"Well maybe _you _could do a little more about it? Please?"

"Sure."

He turned back over and she set to work. After a while she noticed his breathing had changed. She smiled to herself when she realized he had fallen asleep under her hands, all the kinks and knots gone from his back, relaxed for the first time in too long. She couldn't help but place a tender kiss against the back of his neck. Of course he had to wake from _that_. He sounded sleepy when he asked:

"How come you know how to do this?"

When she hesitated he turned again, fully awake now.

"Wrong question?"

"No. I was just- " There had always been some unspoken rule of trying not to talk about their respective marriages. She sighed.

"My husband had a history of back pains, it came with the job. So I took classes. You know, trying to be able to do something about it."

For some reason she looked shy, as if she was afraid he might find it silly. He reached out and pulled her closer.

"Hey, I'm sorry I brought it up. None of my business. And – thank you, Evelyn. I feel better than I have in a long time."

She smiled at him.

"You're welcome. I'm a little rusty, but the basics seem to be still there."

"Any time you need to practice – I'm yours."


	16. Message in a Bottle

Jack collapsed on his couch the moment he got home. Doc hadn't been convinced he was ready to be released from her clutches, and maybe he wasn't, but he had sworn every oath he could think of to take it easy, rest and not drink beer, and so she had finally shown some mercy. And then his phone rang. He really didn't feel like answering it, but it might be Janet checking if he'd really gone straight home, so he picked it up.

"Hey Jack. How ya doing?"

Not doc. He smiled.

"Hey Evelyn. You got good timing."

"Yeah I actually can't believe I really got you on the phone first try. So, how are things in the deep space radar department?"

He let out a sigh.

"To be honest I'm a little...shaken."

"What did you get yourself into this time?"

"Uh, rather something got itself into me, actually."

"I swear if you keep speaking in riddles I will stop calling you."

Jack laughed softly. Ow. Still a bad idea. His left shoulder was sore. And he could still feel the fever's aftermath, making him shaky and weak. He let his head drop back against the couch.

"I had a fever, some kind of infection."

"What, like the flu?"

He tried _not_ to chuckle at that.

"Sort of."

"And did Dr. Fraiser have something to cure it with?"

"Uh, it was more like Carter and Daniel found something."

"An astrophysicist and an archeologist cured your infection? Some team you have there. OK, honestly, how bad was it?"

How bad? He didn't remember, but they had told him he had been clinically dead. And that vague memory of another being – zillions of beings - using his body...he really didn't wanna think about that.

"I'm OK", he said, and Evelyn was well aware of the fact that he hadn't answered the question.

"Murray was with me. Oh hey, he even told a joke! And I actually bought it!"

"_That_ bad?"

"Please don't make me laugh, Evelyn."

What was it with everybody trying to make him laugh recently?

"OK, so the big guy kept you company while an archeologist and an astrophysicist saved your life?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Seriously, Jack, they shouldn't let you out of that mountain."

He considered telling her that this time trouble had hit _inside_ the mountain, but decided against it. It was always such a fine line with these conversations.

"Did you just get home?"

"Yeah, I managed to get on doc's nerves enough to be thrown out."

"OK, so I'm pretty sure she told you to rest, right?"

Jack rolled his eyes.

"Yes she did. Are the two of you conspiring against me?"

He heard her soft chuckle.

"Get to bed, airman. I'll catch you some other day."

"OK."

He briefly wondered whether he should bother to actually get up or just crash on the couch, but assuming that he would be asleep for a while he decided to head for his bedroom.


	17. Secrets

**Beta read by ebineez01. Thank you!**

After they had returned from D.C. and received their medals at the mountain Jack had requested some leave, and Hammond had granted it, knowing his 2IC needed some time to deal with the accident and its implications. George could tell the younger man hadn't been convinced when he had told him it had been an accident.

Jack had called Evelyn, and because of the way he had sounded on the phone she had practically ordered him to Salt Lake City. When he made it there they sat down in her living room, and she waited for him to start talking. She was taken by surprise when he actually did.

"I'm so tired, Evelyn."

"Stressful mission?"

"No. The _mission_ was a piece of cake."

That wasn't exactly true, but the fact was he was worried about something else. Something that had happened earth-side. He ran both hands across his face and around his neck, lacing his fingers behind his bowed head, elbows rested on his knees. She had never seen him like this.

"There's blood on my hands, Evelyn."

"What are you talking about?"

"We had a civilian casualty. A journalist. I'm sure it was on the news."

"Wait, the man that was run over by a car in D.C.?"

"Yeah. I was there. He died...well not exactly in my arms, but close enough. He – said he knew about the program, wanted to go public. I warned him not to. And then he was hit by a car."

"You have reason to believe it wasn't an accident?"

"I don't know. I was told it _was_ by people I trust, but it still smells bad. It was just so damned convenient."

She moved closer on the couch, laying a hand on his shoulder. His hands moved back to his face, covering his eyes.

"There are good people out there. They put their lives at risk following orders, and sometimes those orders come from people behind the scenes, people I don't trust. People both willing and capable of doing something like that."

"It's politics."

"Yeah. Exactly. It's politics, and I detest that. I don't wanna be a part of it."

"You used to be black ops."

"What's that got to do with it?"

"You must have seen and done things you – detested – before."

He briefly closed his eyes. A hard look crossed his face as he clenched his jaw.

"Exactly the reason I quit. I refuse to go back there."

"So what now? Retirement?"

"I honestly don't know."

She hadn't been completely serious, but now she realized _he_ might be. This was bad. She knew he could never tell her what it really was they were doing, but she also knew he believed in it. It was important enough to keep him from even trying to be with the woman he loved. And now he thought about packing it all in? She softly rubbed his shoulder.

"What can I do?"

He looked at her for the first time.

"You?"

"Yeah. What can I do for you? To take your mind off it, help you make a decision, whatever. Whatever it is that you need."

He turned into her, and she pulled him close. For a while he just rested in her embrace.

"Take me to the lake."

She smiled.

"OK."

Less than an hour later they arrived at the lake and got out of Evelyn's car, falling into step side by side. They didn't speak. Evelyn sensed that Jack needed to think. His strides became longer and longer as he was building up a silent rage. It took five minutes before he noticed that she had fallen behind. He turned and waited for her to catch up. When she did she looked him straight in the eye.

"Find a solution?"

He snorted.

"You know damn well there isn't a _solution _to this."

"I wasn't talking about a solution for the world. What about _you? _What do you want?"

His shoulders slumped.

"I don't know. I really don't know."

He turned and started walking again, at a more reasonable pace this time. Evelyn walked beside him and simply waited. When it didn't look like he was going to say anything any time soon she stopped and turned to look at him.

"OK. I think I know the best place to go right now."

"As long as there's beer..."

She smiled.

"Uh, I don't think so. Tell you what. We go try what I do when I'm frustrated, and after we're through, if you still feel like you need it, you have permission to get drunk."

Jack's smile was a little weak, but at least it was a smile.

"Sounds like a plan to me."

~o0o~

When they got out of Evelyn's car in front of a large building he looked at the sign above the door.

"I had no idea you were doing martial arts!"

"Taekwondo, to be exact."

Jack turned and put his hands on her shoulders.

"I have no idea at all, do I?"

When she raised her eyebrows in confusion he went on:

"I come running to you whenever my life is more of a bitch than usual, and yet we _never_ talk about you. That has to change."

She smiled and put her hand over his where it still rested on her shoulder.

"That's OK, Jack. It's the way I want it to be."

"No. It's not. It _will_ change. Let's start right here. What is this place?"

"I used to come here three times a week. Nowadays I take it a little easier, but I still come here when I need to let off some steam. The people are good, and some have become friends over the years. So, shall we go in?"

"Just to get this straight, you want to spar? With me?"

"Yes."

"I'm not really martial arts trained."

"Oh come on. You are special ops trained. Just follow your instincts."

~o0o~

"Jack, meet Mike Johanson. He's the owner and my trainer. Mike, meet Colonel Jack O'Neill."

Both men shook hands.

"Colonel. Air Force, I assume?"

"Yeah, but please call me Jack."

Mike nodded and turned to Evelyn:

"So, you wanna do a little demonstration for Jack here?"

"Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of flipping _Jack here_ onto his lovely backside."

Mike chuckled.

"OK, your locker is as you left it. Jack, you wanna get changed, too? I'm sure I have fresh sweatpants and a t-shirt that might fit."

"Yeah, thanks Mike."

He followed Mike to a locker room. When he handed him pants and shirt Mike said casually:

"You better be careful, man."

"What, if I hurt her you'll hurt me?"

Mike smiled.

"No. It's not Evelyn I'm concerned about here. She's good. I bet you know a thing or two about hand-to-hand, but don't underestimate her. I'm just saying."

~o0o~

Jack and Evelyn circled each other, bare feet making almost no sounds on the pad, playfully testing each other. Attack and block, again and again, and after a while they locked eyes. They were serious now, and the wide room fell silent. The fight that was going on wasn't the regular dance, it didn't follow the rules, but it was a beautiful thing to watch anyway. Jack was a little taller and a lot stronger, but Evelyn was a skilled fighter. She was quick at assessing her opponent's weaknesses, and this opponent's greatest weakness was that he was trying to go easy on her. It culminated in a blur of moves and ended with Jack on his back, panting and looking up at her smiling face more than just a little stunned. She held out her hand and pulled him up, and he grinned widely as their audience started a round of applause. He gave her a small bow that would have made Teal'c proud, and she smiled back at him.

"Feel better?"

"Actually, I do."

~o0o~

When Jack had finished his shower and changed back into his street clothes Mike appeared in the doorway. He stood there for a moment, then he stepped into the room and closed the door, sitting down on the bench beside Jack. Without looking at him he said:

"You sleeping with her?"

Jack looked up from lacing his sneakers, not sure if he had heard that correctly.

"Excuse me?"

"I saw the way she looks at you, Jack."

"I don't think –" He let out a sigh. "OK, look, she's a friend. In a way she might be the closest friend I have. But that's as far as it goes. I'm saying – you have my blessing."

Mike was stunned.

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on, man. I saw the way _you_ look at _her_"_, _Jack grinned.

"So you're not gonna kill me with you bare hands if I try something?"

Jack still grinned.

"Nope. Might not be that easy anyway."

He held Mike's gaze for another moment and added:

"I might consider using a spoon."

~o0o~

On their way back Jack was silent for a little while. And then, out of the blue, he said:

"You still got that dress you bought in Milan?"

Evelyn was a little startled.

"Uh, yeah, of course, I only wore it once. Why?"

"Would you like another opportunity to wear it?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"If you like?"

"Oh wait, is it an AF thing?"

"Would that be a pro or a con?"

"It would mean you'd have to wear your dress blues!"

"I _hate _my dress blues. No. I'm not talking about an AF thing."

"But you're thinking about dressing up, complete with dress and heels and stuff?"

"Well I was hoping _you_'d wear the dress. I'd rather not."

She chuckled.

"But will you dress up?"

"I'm afraid that's only fair if I wanna see you in that dress, right?"

"Right. So, suit and tie and everything?"

"Even a shirt if you insist."

"I'd love that."

"OK, so the next time you visit your brother, pack the dress. I really feel like I owe you one. Or rather a dozen."

"You don't owe me anything, Jack."

"Yes, Evelyn, I do. Let's have a nice evening out together, OK?"

She gave him a genuine smile.

"OK."


	18. A matter of time part 1

**My apologies if I didn't answer to a review lately, I lost track a little I'm afraid. I still love them though! *hint***

Every time Jack had picked up the phone over the last few weeks to give Evelyn a call he had put it down again without dialing her number. 'Murray' had turned into a giant bug? Carter had almost lost her dad, but thanks to a friendlier version of the universe's greatest enemy he had survived? Yeah sure.

After he had been shot – with an arrow, for cryin' out loud – he _had_ actually dialed, but only gotten her answering machine. As it turned out, Carter had talked to her, though. Evelyn was still working on her book, and apparently being given temporary command of SG-1 had reminded Carter of her promise to contribute to it. OK, so, was she avoiding him?

After a freaking black hole had swallowed SG-10, and his most favorite special forces colonel had been sent to rescue the SGC, Jack tried again.

"Myers?"

"Thank God. I thought a search and rescue was in order."

He could almost hear her smile as she said :

"Hey."

"Hey. What have you been up to, I couldn't get a hold of you for ages."

"Well I guess we just missed each other. You know how it goes. I took up my Taekwondo again after your last visit, it was my nephew's 20th birthday,..."

Taekwondo, huh? Wonder if Mike made a move. He cleared his throat.

"So busy, huh?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Ah, well, you know how it goes", he repeated her own statement from a minute ago. "Lately I met a guy I had hoped I'd never have to work with again."

"Oh, how did it go?"

"He's dead."

"What?"

"I didn't have anything to do with it, I swear. Actually I had just begun to remember why we used to be friends when he – fell."

"Jack, are you making sense in your own head? Because I certainly don't understand a word. And _don't_ give me 'classified'!"

"No, ma'am. Uh, OK. His name was Frank Cromwell, and he used to be my CO like – uh – seven years ago? And we were friends, at least that's what I thought. Back then a mission went south and he made a lousy decision and I was paying for it. After that I swore I'd never even talk to him, but recently there was an – emergency and guess who we got for reinforcement."

"No."

"Yes. It turned out he was still a decent guy. Just a man who made the wrong call."

There was a brief pause.

"He – asked me to forgive him for what happened to me, but – I didn't."

Evelyn was searching for a way to ask what she wanted to know. Before she could think of something Jack went on:

"Guess you can call that a missed opportunity. And now _I _am sorry."

"Because you didn't get the chance?"

"No, because I didn't use it. I _had_ a chance. Not exactly the best time to go all touchy-feely, we were under a bit of stress there, but how long does it take to tell a friend that you forgive him? I just didn't _want _to say it. And a moment later, he was gone. Ah crap. You would think that I was used to the thought of losing people by now."

"Jack, _never_ get used to that! Once you start accepting the loss of men and women under your command with a cold heart, you'll turn into an arrogant bastard and a lousy commander. Just like the people you think might have been behind that car accident in D.C. Did Cromwell leave a family?"

"Yes, he did."

He hadn't seen Stephanie in years, nor the kids who would be teens by now. But they had been close once. A smile started to spread on his face as he realized what he had to do. He would lie to a woman who had once been a friend, and from all the lies in his life _that_ one would be a good one. He drew a deep breath.

"Thank you, Evelyn."

She didn't ask for what.

"Anytime."

His throat felt suspiciously dry all of a sudden.

"So, how's the book coming?"

She should really be used to that tactic by now. Still it caught her off guard and she had to give herself a mental shake.

"Uh, did Sam talk to you?"

"Yeah, you know, sometimes we can't exactly avoid it."

She rolled her eyes.

"About the book."

"Yeah, of course, about the book. Sorry. She just said you decided to do her interview over the phone since apparently at least _one _of you is _terribly_ busy all the time."

"Yeah, it looks like her CO is such a bad-ass, you know, like making her work really hard."

"Funny."

"Ya think?"

Jack chuckled.

"So you wanna talk about that book or not?"

"Well, it's just about finished. I'll have to go over my notes from Sam's interview and then I think it'll go to the editor."

"Wow, that's really close to being published then."

"Yeah. Finally. I'll be relieved when it's done. I've been working on it for so long."

"So do I have any chance of seeing you in that dress any time soon?"

"Still wanna go on the date-that-isn't-a-date thing?"

"You kidding me? You promised me a dress _and_ heels!"

"Yeah, and you promised me a tie!"

"Crap."

"Hey, no chickening out, colonel."

"No, ma'am. Wouldn't dare to think of that, ma'am."

"Very good. So, what's the schedule saying?"

And _that_ took some time to work out.


	19. A matter of time part 2

Jack was really nervous when he stood on the porch. He'd spend so much time here, and it had been so long ago. And this was probably not the best of all times. He squared his shoulders and rang the bell. After a few moments the door opened to reveal a dark haired woman in black clothes. She looked at him for a moment, and then her eyes widened in shock.

"Jack?"

"Hey Stephanie."

"Oh my God. I can't believe it."

"Can I come in please?"

"Uh, yes, of course. Sorry, I'm -"

Jack smiled at her knowingly.

Stephanie Cromwell stepped back and let him enter, and after she had closed the door she looked at him.

"Can I – hug you?", she asked, a little unsure, but with a small smile. He moved closer and softly said:

"Of course."

They embraced, and they stood a little longer than absolutely necessary. Then she pulled away and led him into the living room. They sat down and she cleared her throat.

"I suppose it's not a coincidence that you turn up on our doorstep exactly _now_."

"No, it's not. I'm so sorry, Stephanie."

"Yeah. Thank you."

He shifted in his chair.

"How much did the AF tell you?"

She huffed.

"I know the date it happened, and that it was some kind of rescue mission. That he sacrificed himself."

She swallowed once and went on, her voice strained: "They said the mission was a success. I beg to differ."

Jack leaned closer and took her hands in his.

"Look, I know to you it was a disaster. But I was there. The people who needed to be rescued were my people. We had already lost a whole team, and we would have lost so many more if it hadn't been for the decision Frank made. In fact you and me wouldn't be having this conversation, Steph."

She looked at him wide eyed.

"You were there? When he – were you with him?"

"Yes, I was."

Tears started to show in her eyes. It was a mere whisper when she asked:

"Can you tell me?"

He pulled her in an embrace again.

"I'm sorry, Steph. I can't."

They sat for a while, and he held her until she felt she could talk again. She looked at him.

"Did he – did he get a chance to – ask your forgiveness, Jack?"

There it was. He gave her a small smile.

"Yes, he did."

"And – could you?"

The smile widened.

"Yes. We were good."

It wasn't actually _exactly_ a lie. In his heart he _had_ forgiven Frank, he had simply been to stubborn to say it. He only hoped Frank knew, wherever he was now. Stephanie looked incredibly relieved. For the first time since she had opened the door she really smiled at him.

"Oh God that's so good. When he got home from that mission in Iraq he was completely thrown off balance. It took him three days until he was able to say 'We lost Jack.' I couldn't believe it when he finally did."

She sat back and looked out of the window.

"The day before that mission we had had that barbeque, remember? The kids sensed that something was up and didn't wanna go to bed, so you started that crazy tag, chasing them around the garden until they were so tired they fell asleep on their feet. And then you and Frank carried them to bed."

She looked back at Jack again.

" And there he was, telling me you'd never sit on our porch again."

She let out a sigh.

"And then one day he came home, white as a sheet, and collapsed on the couch. When he started to talk he didn't make any sense to me. He said you were back, and yet he blamed himself for something he didn't say, and then he said: 'He wouldn't talk to me, Steph. I lost him again.' It didn't make any sense."

It did make sense to Jack. He had woken up in hospital, and Frank Cromwell had sat by his bed. His face had been a mask of pain and guilt, and yet Jack had thought he couldn't possibly be suffering enough.

"_Hey Jack."_

"_Colonel."_

_Frank had flinched at his formality as well as at his tone. Cold. Flat. Unapproachable. _

"_Jack, I'm more sorry than I can ever tell you. I'm here to ask your forgiveness."_

_He couldn't. Four months in a fucking hell hole because his CO had left him behind._

"_Was there something else, sir?"_

_Frank briefly closed his eyes._

"_No. That's all, Jack."_

As soon as he had been declared fit for duty Jack had requested a transfer. No chance in hell he'd ever serve under Frank Cromwell again.

Stephanie went on:

"He said he had tried to talk to you. About whatever it had been that had happened to you. Whatever it was that he was to blame for. He said you wouldn't listen. And he never mentioned your name again, Jack. You _were_ dead to us."

She inhaled deeply and smiled.

"And here you are. Thank you so much for coming. It means a lot."

Jack returned the smile, nodded once and stood. This had been the right thing to do.


	20. The fifth race

**This is a really short one, even for me. The next two are written and beta'd. This one wasn't, so all mistakes are mine.**

Jack was sitting on the roof of his house, gazing up at the stars. He didn't use his telescope, just leaned back and looked up there, trying to imagine how far away he had been this time. When he heard the faint sound of his telephone from downstairs he really didn't feel like answering it. The cell in his pocket remained silent, so it wasn't some intergalactic emergency. When he made it back to his living room almost an hour later there was a message on his answering machine.

"_Hey Jack! I was wondering_ _what's going on. Haven't heard from you in a while so I hope everything is OK. Oh, in case you haven't figured it out yet, it's Evelyn. We're still going on the date-that-isn't-a-date thing? See you soon! Bye."_

He ran a hand through his hair. She was wondering what was going on. OK, let's see – he had sat in the briefing room more annoyed than usual after the last mission, doodling more purposefully than usual. And then he had been confined to the base because everybody seemed to believe that something was seriously wrong with him, and T had punched him harder than he had expected. And words had started to pop into his head that he hadn't even known existed. He hated not being in control, especially if it was his own head he lost control over. He had been immensely grateful to Danny claiming he wouldn't leave him, isolated as he was from everybody else, losing his ability to communicate. And than things had gotten completely out of control until all he'd known was he had to go through the gate, no _matter_ if he could get back, so apparently he had left the galaxy.

And then little green men – uh well, OK, they had been gray – had helped him. Confused him, but also saved his sorry ass. Brain. Whatever. And the over all feeling of this whole mess, the one thing that had stuck, was – that he thought, no, he _knew_ they were going to be alright. His team. The SGC. Earth. So what was he supposed to tell Evelyn about what was going on. He decided to keep it simple.

Evelyn smiled at the text that popped up on her cell.

_Yep, still going on the DTIAD thing. Remember to pack that dress. _


	21. A nice evening out

Jack arrived in Denver early, with plenty of time to check in at the hotel, take a shower and get dressed. As much as he hated his _dress blues_, he actually did like dressing up once in a while. Not that he'd tell anyone. He glanced at himself in the mirror and tied the brand new tie that had made him smile when he had seen it at the store. Once it was in place he wasn't so sure anymore. Over the top? Ah well, he could always take it off before Evelyn showed up. He left his hotel room, took the elevator down to the ground floor and sat down in the hotel's restaurant.

~o0o~

When Evelyn came down the stairs in her brother's house she heard him call out:

"Now wait a moment. Where do you think you're going dressed like that?"

She grinned like the Cheshire cat.

"Are you going all big brother on me, little brother?"

He just glared at her, so she gave in.

"I'm going out."

"With whom?"

"With Jack."

"Well he sure as hell won't return you if you show up like that. So I'd better not expect you home tonight, huh?"

She swatted his arm and he turned serious.

"He's one lucky guy, big sister. You look amazing."

"Thank you."

"Have fun."

~o0o~

Jack turned when he caught movement from the corner of his eye – and froze. This was – even in his mind he didn't know what to call it - her. The dress she wore was simple, a black ankle-length halter neck, but it hugged her curves in a way that made him swallow. There was a slim silver bracelet on her left wrist, and she wore a matching necklace. Her hair was pinned up instead of the usual low pony tail. There was a bit of mascara, making her eyes shine and look more green than grey, and she wore the slightest touch of a light pink lipstick. She was stunning. And she beamed at him, clearly amused by his reaction. Or rather non reaction.

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

He cleared his throat and got up.

"Hey! You look amazing!"

He leaned closer and softly kissed her cheek, lingering for a moment when he caught her perfume. Then he pulled himself together and smiled at her while she took in his appearance. Black suit, black shirt, top button open.

"I feel under dressed. Let me do something about that."

She couldn't believe it when he actually got up and disappeared in the direction of the restrooms. And she believed it even less when he returned. His shirt was buttoned now, and he wore a tie that was a silver grey with a tinge of green. He looked fantastic, but he seemed to be unsure.

"When I saw it, it reminded me of you. But then I felt silly, so I took it off before you got here. But then again -"

She beamed at him.

"I love it, Jack. It's perfect. I bet you turned some heads walking in here."

~o0o~

They ate, they talked, they had a drink, and then the band played Sinatra and Jack just knew he needed to hold her for a while. She smiled at him when he asked her to dance with him, and as soon as they got to the dance floor she moved into him like they had done this a thousand times before.

"This is great, Jack. Thank you for this evening."

"Hey, anytime."

After a while they returned to their table, and something in the air seemed to change. Evelyn looked serious all of a sudden, maybe even insecure.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Oh?"

"Remember Mike?"

For a split second Jack felt something he couldn't place. And then it was gone and he grinned.

"What?" Evelyn didn't know what to make of that grin.

"Ye-ah?", he drawled.

"Well, he -"

Jack's grin got even wider.

"No. Don't tell me you knew!" She couldn't believe they had talked about her. They had only met once!

"Hey, I know nothing. Why don't you start at the beginning?"

Evelyn obviously struggled with how to begin. Jack just looked at her, smile in place. She decided to go for the cut-the-crap version.

"We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now."

And there it was again. A brief flash of – no. No way was he jealous! How egocentric could one guy be? Telling her he didn't want to be with her and then, when she found a guy that actually wanted to be with her, he was jealous?

"Jack? Are you listening to me?"

Crap. Talk about egocentric. He smiled at her, but if he was honest with himself he had to force it. Here she was, looking – amazing, telling him there was somebody she cared about – as far as he could tell Mike was a good guy, and he probably made her happy – and as a friend he should be happy for her – but – crap, it hurt!

Evelyn narrowed her eyes at him.

"Jack, what's going on?"

OK, so she didn't buy the smile. Escape plan. Oh. That look was bad.

"Evelyn -"

"Don't."

She got up and left the room, and Jack closed his eyes for a moment. Breathing deeply through his nose he pushed back his chair and followed her. He found her outside, pacing. OK. She was spitting mad. He braced himself for an outburst, but it didn't come. Her voice was deadly low instead. She locked eyes with him.

"What do you want, Jack? You expect me to wait? For what? For the day the woman you _really_ want will move on, so you're heartbroken enough to come crawling into my bed?"

Jack's jaw set. But she wasn't done yet.

"I've had it, Jack. Mike is a good guy, and I like him. I won't miss out on this for something that will never happen. This is a chance to be happy. I say I deserve that."

"You _like_ him? What, next you're going to tell me that you might 'learn to love him'?"

"That's it. You're way out of line."

"You're not my CO anymore!"

"I wish I was!"

She turned her back on him, and her shoulders slumped as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Evelyn -"

He took one step closer, but when she turned further away from him he stopped. He stood for a moment, not sure what had just happened, indecisive what to do. And then he said:

"Okay. Fine."

Evelyn took a deep breath and turned, just in time to see him disappear into the building.

"Fine", she sighed, and she felt like a huge part of her had just been ripped out.

~o0o~

**Uh, I should probably have warned you. Drama ahead. But it would have spoilt the whole fun! *pouts* Sorry.**


	22. Don't know what you got till it's gone

**The songs mentioned are "Don't know what you got (till it's gone)" by Cinderally and "Baby can I hold you" by Tracy Chapman.**

The first thing Jack noticed when he made it to his hotel room was the silence. The door shut behind him, keeping the sounds of the big building outside, and he just knew he couldn't take silence now. Silence allowed him to think. He really didn't feel like watching TV, so he turned on the radio and got a beer from the minibar. Beer in hand he stood at the window, looking down over the street. He wasn't paying attention to the song that was on the radio until he saw a cab pull over.

_If we take some time to think it over, baby_

_take some time, let me know _

_if you really want to go_

He gritted his teeth when he realized it was Evelyn who had called that cab. He caught a glimpse of her bare back as she turned to get in. The cab's door shut and he closed his eyes.

_Don't know what you got_

_till it's gone_

_don't know what it is I did so wrong_

Yeah right. He knew damn well what he had done wrong. He'd been a selfish idiot, taking Evelyn's friendship for granted, taking from her without giving, counting on her to be there whenever he needed her. And now that she found someone who wanted to be with her he couldn't even say "I'm happy for you". He'd hurt her, questioning Evelyn's feelings for Mike. Mike – he felt like punching the guy. Hard. He sighed and started pacing. OK, who was he kidding? He couldn't even convince himself he was mad at Mike. The only person he was really mad at was himself. Leave it to Jack O'Neill to mess up when it came to 'emotion'. And why exactly did it hurt to think of Evelyn and Mike – together? He ran a hand over his face and sat down on the bed. He certainly didn't have any right to be jealous. _And_ he'd probably just lost her as friend. Driven her away and robbed himself of – he jumped off the bed again, willing himself to stop that train of thought. This wasn't about what _he'd_ lost. He'd hurt her. Damn it, she didn't deserve that.

But then again she'd hurt him first. She knew him well, knew which buttons to push. And crap had it hurt to hear her talk about Sam. Oh for cryin' out loud, beer wouldn't do. While he tried to remember what else had been in the minibar, that damn song had come to the chorus again.

_Don't know what you got_

_till it's gone_

_don't know what it is I did so wrong_

Jack exploded. His arm shot out, smashing the radio against the wall. It fell to the carpet with a dull thud, and all of a sudden the room was back to the silence he hadn't been able to bear earlier.

'Deal with it', he spat at himself with a cruelty he hadn't felt for a long time. Beer would not do.

~o0o~

Evelyn got into the cab and told the driver her brother's address. She really hoped Andrew and Theresa wouldn't be up when she got there. She just couldn't deal with anybody right now. Her mind raced and her heart ached. So, dear Jack was jealous...very interesting. Who did he think he was to judge the way she felt about Mike? About a man she had known and respected for years, who had been there for her when she needed to blow off steam. A good guy who adored her, happy she finally really saw him.

And then there was Jack. Major crush of her younger years, lost to her for such a long time. Back in her life with bang.

Who _did_ he think he was?

She was incredibly tired all of a sudden. This thing between her and Jack had always been intense. Exhausting. She leaned back in the cab's seat and looked out of the window. She didn't see what was out there, concentrated as she was on the song that played on the radio. The volume was low, but she knew this song by heart. It had always been _their_ song. Well, since Jack didn't know about it it was probably more like _her_ song. Whatever. How fitting that it would be on the radio now of all times.

_But you can say baby_

_Baby can I hold you tonight_

_maybe if I told you the right words_

_at the right time_

_you'd be mine_

It had always been what she wanted - to hold him. Maybe if she had held him long enough, and at the right time, maybe he'd been hers.

_I love you __– __is all that you can't say_

_years gone by and still_

_words don't come easily _

_like I love you..._

She had never said those words. And she realized she hadn't said them to Mike yet, either.

~o0o~

The next morning Theresa found her sister in law sitting at the kitchen table, coffee mug between her palms, a blanket around her bare shoulders and sporting the worst panda eyes she'd ever seen.

"Hey", she greeted softly, not asking the obvious questions.

"Hey", Evelyn answered and got up to get Theresa a cup of coffee, too. It said 'Sit with me please', and Theresa understood. Her husband had told her about Evelyn's date, so she was pretty sure this had something to do with the complicated thing between her and Jack. They had talked about that complicated thing _so_ many times...

"You wanna -"

"Nope."

"OK."

They finished their coffee in silence, and then Evelyn got up and went upstairs to the guest room she hadn't used last night. Theresa bit her lip as she followed her with her eyes. This looked bad.

~o0o~

Kate Hartley opened her front door and knew it was bad. Her best friend wasn't actually crying, but it was more then obvious that she had been. Kate didn't say anything but simply stood back to let Evelyn enter, and as soon as the door was closed she pulled her into an embrace. She felt the former military woman go limp. Oh Lord. This was really bad.

"Ev?"

Kate gently pushed Evelyn away from her a little and looked at her.

"What happened?"

When her friend just shook her head she pulled her close again.

"Is it Mike?"

"No. Or maybe yes. Among other things."

Kate decided they were getting nowhere. She let go and jerked her head towards the living room.

"Come on. Coffee? Or stronger stuff?"

"You still got that Bourbon you got for your birthday?"

"Ouch. That bad?"

When Evelyn didn't even smile Kate turned to the kitchen.

"Bourbon it is."

~o0o~

They sat in the living room, and Evelyn still didn't say anything. Kate cleared her throat.

"So, you wanna talk about it, or did you just come for -" She raised her glass. "- the company?"

That brought a tiny smile from her friend.

"I'm not sure, Kate. These days it seems I just don't know – anything."

"OK. What can I do?"

Evelyn drained her glass in one go.

"Leave Ron and start something with me?"

"Anytime, honey, if you think it would help."

Oh good, another smile.

"So you're telling me you're through with men?"

Evelyn held out her empty glass. Kate raised an eyebrow but complied. Evelyn seemed to need something to hold on to, if the way she turned the glass in her hands was anything to go by.

"It's really Jack more than Mike."

It was so sudden that Kate was caught off guard although she shouldn't probably be this surprised. How many times had it been 'Jack' when Evelyn needed a shoulder to cry on?

"I know. You don't want to hear it anymore."

"Hey, I never said that. Wait, weren't you supposed to be on that date-that-isn't-a-date thing with him?"

"Yep."

"OK. That – didn't go so well then, huh?"

"It did, Kate. It was going great. We were close and he was sweet and funny – and then I brought up Mike."

"Ah – finally. I always thought Jack should know about the two of you. Uh – what did he have to say?"

"He didn't actually say much. But I know him well enough to see that he was – jealous."

"He – what?"

Evelyn let out a sigh.

"I know, I know. Who does he think he is yadda yadda. Been through that with myself about a dozen times."

"OK? So?"

Evelyn just looked at her.

"No. No, no, no. Evelyn Susanna Myers. You will _not_ think about what it may _mean_ that he's jealous."

Evelyn's eyes looked suspiciously wet when she said:

"I thought I could stop caring about him so much. That with Mike being in my life what I feel for Jack would – fade. I told myself I was happy with Mike, because he's a good guy, and he loves me, and being with him was so much better than being pathetically in love with a man who doesn't want me. I told myself, now that I have Mike, being friends with Jack would be easier, more relaxed. But -"

"But denial ain't just a river in Egypt, huh?"

"Yeah", was the last thing Evelyn could say before the tears started to flow. Kate took the glass from her hands and hugged her.

"Life, my friend, sucks", she said, gently rubbing Evelyn's back.

"Amen to that."


	23. Issues

**Halleluja! The writers block broke. I'm back. Thanks to ebineez01 for beta reading and to both her and djenie for their words of comfort and support.**

The SGC had been under threat from – well, basically Satan, and Jack didn't call Evelyn.

SG-1 had switched bodies, and Jack didn't call Evelyn.

After he had almost lost a little boy that had named himself after his dead son he couldn't take it any longer. He sat on his couch, phone in hand. And didn't dial. What should he tell her**?** He had no right to call her. She was probably having dinner with Mike, and Jack O'Neill was probably the last person on the planet she would want to talk to right now.

When they made that little trip to the sixties he briefly wondered where she was in that time line. Probably Vietnam. She wouldn't have known him, because they wouldn't have met yet. He stopped thinking about it. Not because it hurt. Nope. Simply because time travel made his brain ache.

The very next mission was time travel in the opposite direction – or so he was told when he woke up in some stasis pod. He was led to believe that he had been asleep for almost 80 years and that everybody he had known was dead. He recalled the confusion and the panic that information had evoked. And oh the joy of laying eyes on her Royal Nuttiness Hathor once again. Especially with one of those snakes in her hand. The disgust as that snake had invaded him had been even stronger than the pain. And he recalled killing Hathor and knowing with absolute certainty that the snake was dead and he was himself – and the relief that had rushed over him when he had held Sam Carter, holding on to her slim frame for comfort at least as much as for warmth as she had informed him of the current situation. Once he was back from that one he decided he had to do something about Evelyn. So he sat down and started a letter.

~o0o~

Evelyn found the letter when she came home from the supermarket. She didn't recognize the hand writing, but when she saw the sender's address her hands started shaking. She hadn't heard from him since that horrible evening, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what was in the letter. She briefly considered calling Kate, but decided she'd read it later, so she put it on the kitchen table. She only had time to take a quick shower and change clothes before Mike would be there. In fact she wasn't finished getting dressed when the door bell rang, so she opened the door hiding behind it. Smiling at Mike she retreated back into the house and called over her shoulder:

"I'm almost done. You're early!"

He closed the front door behind himself.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry, I didn't mean to rush you. Take you're time, we're early anyway."

He sat down at the small table in the kitchen and couldn't help but notice the letter. And the sender's address. He also noticed the letter hadn't been opened. He didn't like the emotion that Jack O'Neill's name on that envelope evoked in him. He had met the man only once, but Evelyn had mentioned him a couple of times, and Mike just couldn't get rid of the feeling that maybe there was more to that friendship than he liked. Recently Evelyn hadn't talked about Jack at all, so he had assumed maybe the contact had died out – but why would he write to her? Some invitation maybe? Mike really wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to confront Evelyn about it – and obviously she didn't know what was in it herself yet. So he decided to wait and see if she would bring it up the next time they met. For today they would be busy anyway: he would be spending the day at a competition with a group of teenagers he trained, and Evelyn had agreed to join them. In case things didn't go so well he had found out she was great at giving comfort, and the kids adored her. Especially because they knew what a skilled fighter she was herself – and they thought it was cool that she was ex-military. They even called her 'colonel' sometimes. One of the older girls considered joining the military because she looked up to the strong and independent Evelyn.

Things did go well for Mike's kids, so Evelyn wasn't required for giving comfort. Instead she did a little pep talk when the youngest of the boys needed his nerves calmed, and in the end everybody was exhausted, but happy and proud. Mike decided they deserved a little celebration and took them to a diner. After they had all disappeared in their parents' cars Mike looked at Evelyn questioningly. She smiled and kissed him and said she was awfully tired, so he dropped her off at her house and they said good night. She let herself in and went to the kitchen. And there was that letter. She took it and sat for a few minutes before she finally made up her mind.

_Dear __Evelyn,_

_To be honest, it took me an eternity to find the courage__ to do__ this. I wish I knew what you're thinking right now. Probably words like 'stupid bastard' and 'selfish idiot' are coming to your mind, and I sure can't blame you. I__ probably __shouldn't be writing this letter. But the fact is - I'm sorry. I want to apologize for what I said and for what I should have said but didn't. I should have said 'I'm happy for you' and 'How are things __going?' and 'Are you happy?' Instead I questioned your feelings and behaved like a jealous lover, and I did __not__ have any right to do that. I had obviously taken for granted everything you had done for me. I had assumed you would always be there, and all of a sudden I felt like you were slipping through my fingers. Talk about selfish._

_I'm sorry. I miss what we had and I wish we could go back there._

_I hope you __are__ happy. You certainly deserve it. _

_Yours,_

_Jack_

Her sight had become a little blurry while she read. Oh God she missed him, too. She didn't want things to be like this. Not talking to each other. Not knowing what went on in each others lives. She missed his voice on the phone. If she was brutally honest with herself she had always expected a message when she got home, and whenever her answering machine had blinked she had been disappointed when it was someone else. Sometimes it had been Mike, and she had felt guilty for being disappointed. She would call Jack. Soon. She smiled a little, hoping they could get over this and go back to being friends. That was what they were, right? She was with Mike, and she was happy with him. But that didn't mean she couldn't be friends with Jack. She went to bed still smiling.

~o0o~

The next day Evelyn drove to Mike's training center, feeling a little guilty for letting him down the night before. She arrived in time for lunch, so they went to a little restaurant close by where they often ate. Mike was more quiet than usual, so over dessert she asked him what was up. He put down his spoon and looked at her.

"There is something I'd like to talk about."

"OK?"

"I was wondering – I mean I'd really like to – I'd like to find a place to live together. I know you value your freedom, but I just wanna be – closer to you. What d'ya think?"

Evelyn felt like she couldn't breathe all of a sudden, and she felt incredibly guilty for that reaction. She liked being around Mike, so why was the idea of being around him _all_ the time such a shock?

She knew she had to say something. When she looked at him she realized he was hurt. He looked so sad, so disappointed that she had to look away. Her voice was low and a little unstable when she finally managed to answer him:

"I'm sorry, Mike. I don't think that's such a good idea. Can't we just keep it the way it is?"

He waited for her to look at him again before he spoke. And when he did, he sounded resigned:

"I thought by moving in together I could finally get through to you. That living together would make us – a unit. Close the distance that is always there and that I can't seem to close no matter how hard I try. But now I see how naive that was. It isn't about whether we should live together. It's about whether we should _be_ together."

Oh God. Where was this coming from now? Evelyn realized Mike must have seen the letter, and she recalled he had seemed to be uncomfortable whenever she had mentioned Jack. Well she hadn't in a while, but still. Mike was still looking straight at her.

"It's about whether or not you actually care about me the same way I care about you. Do you?"

"Mike -"

His jaw set and his gaze dropped.

"I see."

"It's not about you, Mike..."

He laughed bitterly.

"No. It's not. It's about your heart being occupied. But tell you what? I refuse to compete against a shadow. I don't have an awful lot of pride when it comes to you, but I will not tolerate being second best. Look at me and tell me you will not disappear from my life the moment _Jack_ snaps his fingers."

She did look at him, but she couldn't say anything. And that was all it took for Mike to know he had been right.

"Yeah. That's what I thought. I really wanted this to work, because I adore you. But - "

His voice trailed off, and she knew he had given up. She couldn't believe how much it hurt to see him like this. She inhaled deeply and forced herself to hold his gaze.

"I'm sorry, Mike. I wanted it to work, too. But you're right."

She couldn't look at him anymore. Her voice became softer.

"I _don't_ feel about you the same way you feel about me. I thought I could, but it didn't...I'm sorry for hurting you. You don't deserve that."

"Oh please don't tell me I deserve someone better than you."

"Mike."

"What? You wanna stay friends? I'm sorry, Evelyn. I don't think that's _such a good idea._"

He was quoting her, and there was pain and resignation and a hint of bitterness in his voice. She swallowed once and nodded.

"OK. I understand."

She got up and looked at him. For a moment she considered hugging him, but decided against it. She was really sorry to leave him like this, but she knew he was right. She couldn't give him what he wanted.


	24. Conversations

"O'Neill. You seem unfocused."

"Yeah. Sorry."

Jack shook his head, trying to clear it, and took position again. Teal'c raised his fists, but a moment later he lowered them again.

"What? I thought we were sparring, T!"

"I will not fight against you while your mind is in turmoil."

"Turmoil? Oh come on. I'm not _in turmoil_. I'm perfectly able to focus on the task at hand."

"Then why am I constantly landing strikes on you?"

"Because I trained you well?"

He didn't even have to look at the Jaffa to know what his face looked like. Yep. The eyebrow. Jack lowered his hands and let out a breath.

"OK, if you absolutely have to know: I'm stuck between two women."

"No, you are not. You are sparring with me. Besides, that can be a very pleasurable experience."

It took Jack a moment to deal with that. Oh images in his head. Teal'c sat on a bench and looked up at his friend, all serious now.

"I wasn't aware that you had a mate. Let alone two."

"Yeah, you know, usually I don't talk about that stuff. And I don't actually _have_ either of them."

Jack took off his gloves and sat next to Teal'c. The Jaffa went on:

"Yet you have feelings for both?"

Jack closed his eyes. "I guess you could put it that way."

"Who are they?"

The colonel turned to look at his friend. "Really?"

"Even the wisest of counselors can only provide advice based on the information he is given."

"T, I swear, if you talk about this to anyone -"

"Do you trust me, O'Neill?"

"Yes, T, I do, but..." He sighed. "Evelyn and Carter."

"I was under the impression that EvelynMyers was merely a friend to you, not a lover."

"She is. But that hasn't always been the case."

"I see. Do you wish to re-establish that relationship?"

"I don't know. I thought I didn't."

"What makes you think differently now?"

"She – told me she was in a relationship, and all of a sudden I realized I was – jealous."

"Isn't she entitled to be with that man?"

"Of course she is. And I am so not entitled to be jealous."

"Yet you are."

"Yet I am. It might be a case of 'Don't know what you got'."

Teal'c didn't comment on the quote. Maybe he knew the song. Instead he said:

"So what about CaptainCarter?"

"I'm her commanding officer."

"I am aware of that."

"It means we are not allowed to engage in a relationship."

"This is the law of your world?"

"Only AF regulations, but still I'm not allowed to feel – what I feel for her."

He remembered holding her, and he remembered the moment he had realized how much she meant to him. So much more than she should. His face turned to stone.

"There is no way."

Teal'c thought about the situation for a moment, and then he concluded:

"There is no advice I can give you that would solve this problem. The only honorable course of action is not to act on your feelings for either woman. I am sorry, O'Neill."

And there, shoulder to shoulder with a man he considered a brother, Jack felt lonelier than he had in a long time.

~o0o~

When he got home Jack made himself comfortable on the couch with a beer and turned on the TV, but he didn't really care much about what was on. He wondered if Evelyn had read the letter. She should have gotten it by now, but maybe she didn't feel like reading it. Or she had read it but was still mad at him. He thought back to his conversation with Teal'c. He should have asked how they resolve something like this on Chulac. Probably weapons would be required. He was about to change the channel when his phone rang, and he just knew it had to be Evelyn. He was relieved, but the next moment the feeling was gone. What if she told him to leave her alone? He would respect that of course, but he'd miss her so much. The phone was still ringing. A sip of his beer and a deep breath.

"O'Neill?"

"Hey."

It really was her. But from that one world he couldn't tell if she was mad.

"Hey."

A moment of silence. Then Jack said:

"Did you get my letter?"

"Yes, I did."

Another silence. He could hear her sigh.

"Jack, I'm sorry, too."

Oh good. Not mad. Wait, what?

"What are _you_ sorry for?"

"For what I said to you that night. I wish I could claim I didn't mean to hurt you, but that's not true. I knew exactly how to hurt you, so I aimed low, and I'm sorry for that."

Jack briefly closed his eyes. It was true. She had hurt him, but so had he.

"I think we're even then. Can we just forget about it?"

"OK."

"Good. So – how's Mike?"

Evelyn knew what he was doing and she appreciated it. She knew she would have to tell him about Mike eventually, but she just wasn't ready to admit defeat yet. She knew it was childish, but she couldn't help it.

"Not talking to you about Mike."

Ouch.

"OK. I guess that's fair enough. So what else is going on in your life?"

There was silence again as Evelyn realized everything that had been going on in her life lately had to do with Mike. She drew a deep breath. Jack misunderstood.

"OK, you don't have to talk to me if you don't feel like it. I'll just give you some time."

He was trying very hard not to sound hurt, but she knew him too well.

"No, that's not it, Jack. In fact I was working up the nerve to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

She might as well do the mature thing and tell him now. He was her friend, for heaven's sake.

"It's over with Mike."

"What? When? I mean - " He just had to know. "Did you end it because – of me?"

"No -"

"Good."

"- he dumped_ me_."

"What? Why on earth would he do that?"

"He said I had issues, and he was right. I was trying to prove something, and I failed."

Jack didn't know what to say. After a while Evelyn went on.

"Look, I think I need some time to work this out. I'm glad we're not mad at each other anymore, but can you please give me some time? I know it's selfish, but -"

"That's bullshit. How is that selfish? Of course you can take all the time you need. Think about stuff, get some distance, whatever you need. I'm there when you're ready, OK?"

"OK", her voice sounded suspiciously like tears.

"Oh, and Evelyn?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad, too. That we're not mad at each other, I mean."

She chuckled, and it made him smile.

"OK, Jack. I'll call. I promise."

"OK. Take care."

"You, too."

Both hung up their phones exhausted and confused, but relieved. They would be OK.


	25. Seth - Fair Game - Legacy

After they had found one goa'uld in the haystack that is earth – OK, mixed metaphor there – Jack regretted agreeing to give Evelyn time. He would have really liked to talk to her, but of course he would respect her wishes. He started writing to her anyway. Who said he had to mail the letter?

_Dear Evelyn, _

_our last mission was somewhat untypical - _yeah, especially because we didn't have to use the 'gate for that one – _and it stirred something in both Carter's dad __– __and me. _She would never read this, right? _Something about family bonds, and how you can't value them highly enough. I wish I still had those bonds. The Carter family got together more closely though, an outcome for which I'm really grateful._

He'd never understood why people kept a diary, but this felt good. Not as good as actually talking to her, but still relieving. He continued his not-letter to Evelyn after playing master negotiator on behalf of the planet. God help him.

_The Secretary of Defense payed us a visit recently. As much as I hate wearing my dress blues, I wore them proudly that day, since I had the honor of __pinning a __golden oak leaf_ _on Carter's shoulder today. One proud Major Samantha Carter she was. And then I was prevented from giving a speech that I had prepared very carefully as something more urgent came up. And all of a sudden we were hosting very, very crucial negotiations, and someone insisted that I of all people should lead these negotiations on behalf of __– __well, a __lot__ of people. Yeah. That somebody obviously doesn't know me very well. Daniel and Murray tried to brief me as best they could, but I was still in way over my head. And I just __couldn't__ seem to get out of those damn dress blues. I screwed up before the negotiations had even begun. Luckily Daniel saved my sorry ass once more. He's such a diplomat. Still things weren't going so great. For a while it looked as if we would have to give up the program in order to prevent __– __something __bad__ from happening. __And__ for a moment it looked as if the decision was entirely on my shoulders. And then Murray was injured, and one of the representatives was, too. Apparently they had history, which nobody felt like mentioning to me. In the end it turned out to be a conspiracy. And I turned out to be not that bad a negotiator. Maybe there __is__ still hope for that shining career you used to see ahead of me._

He dropped the pen. Yep, this was almost as good as talking to her.

~o0o~

He _didn't_ feel like writing after Danny had gone nuts. He was sitting on his couch in complete darkness when she called.

"Hey Jack."

"Thank God for your timing, Evelyn."

She chuckled.

"Actually I had planned to take it easy, but you sound as if you could use someone to talk to. About something – bad."

Jack swallowed once. He had really wanted things to change between them. Be more level.

"You're right. I do need you. And yet I feel bad, because I already owe you. Big time."

"I'm not keeping count, you know?"

"I am, and it's a badly unbalanced record I can tell you."

"Jack, how many people are there in your life that you can do this with?"

"What, come to for advice, run to when the shit hits the fan, be with when I'm awful company?"

She smiled, amused at his description of their relationship. He didn't smile when he added:

"And give nothing back?"

That wiped the smile from her face, too.

"So, how many?"

"Hm?"

"How many people are there?"

He let out a sigh.

"None. Just you."

"See?"

"See what?"

She could barely keep from rolling her eyes.

"If you denied yourself _this _there would be nobody. I really think everybody should have at least one person like this."

He paused, then he asked:

"Since I'm obviously not that person for you, who is it?"

"Well there's my brother, his wife maybe even more so – and then there's Kate. I've known her for ages, and we talk about everything."

He smiled, satisfied with her answer, but after a moment he frowned.

"Wait a minute, what do you mean 'everything'?"

"Well, as in 'everything'?"

"Does she know about -"

"Of course."

"Great. She must hate me."

Evelyn chuckled.

"Why would she hate you?"

"Because I'm the guy taking advantage of her friend? How may times did she tell you to screw me?"

Evelyn just smiled. The small smile playing on her lips turned into a grin as she practically _felt _the pun sink in. She couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"Actually she did tell me that a few times."

He blushed. And yes, she could feel that, too. All of a sudden he didn't feel so bad about telling her.

"Uh, the thing I needed to talk about?"

"Yes?" She was completely serious again.

"It was Daniel this time. We thought he was – losing it. There were signs of him developing a mental disease."

"Oh my God! How is he?"

"He's good, we figured it out. But it freaked me out, Evelyn. I'm not exactly proud of the way I handled that whole thing. I should have believed in him. I should have known something was up. Instead I listened to a _shrink_. One that I personally detest. I thought Daniel was having a break down, that he couldn't take the stress. Bullshit. I should have know better. Instead he had to figure it out himself."

He ran a hand over his face.

"He looked horrible. I'd never seen him like that, and he did sound crazy. I mean, more crazy than usual."

It was a lame joke. Jack remembered Danny's haunted look and the pain in Carter's face and his own helplessness.

"Murray got it, too. It was – contagious. The doc and Carter figured it out after Daniel had the original idea. _I_ was useless."

"Nothing you could do, huh?"

"No, and I _hate _that. They're my team, my responsibility. I'm supposed to keep them safe, get them out of trouble. Instead I was down and could barely stay conscious while Carter and the doc saved our collective asses."

Evelyn needed a moment to take it all in. Finally she said:

"Seems you have pretty good people there, Jack."

"The best."

There was a brief silence, then Evelyn changed the subject, sensing that he needed some distraction.

"So, how is Captain Carter doing by the way? Did she get her copy of my book?"

"_Major C_arter is doing fine, and why wasn't I invited to the publishing party – event – thing?"

Oh way to go, Jack. Evelyn seemed to consider her answer for a moment.

"Uh, because we were under radio silence at the time?"

She didn't sound upset, probably she had that cheeky smile on her face. He was relieved to hear it in her voice.

"Yeah, right, that's a logical explanation."

"OK, so, please congratulate the major on her promotion. You must be proud of her."

"Oh yeah...I got to pin a shiny oak leaf on her shoulder! She certainly deserved it. So, what about the book? I _am _literate, you know? Do I get a copy, too? "

"If you want?"

"What? Of course!"

There was a brief silence, and then, almost shyly, she went on:

"Would you like to come pick it up in person?"

He smiled.

Yes. They would be OK.


	26. Rollercoaster

**I should probably warn you this time: there's heartache ahead. Thanks to ebineez01 for beta reading. Forgot to say that in the last chapter!  
**

Evelyn opened the door with a small smile. Jack wasn't prepared for the intensity of the relief he felt when she stepped out on her porch and hugged him. They held on to each other like the long lost friends they were. At least it felt like a very long time.

They had dinner together, and Evelyn told him about the book. There had in fact been a celebration when it was published, and she still seemed surprised by the amount of interest from both military and civilian groups.

"Believe it or not, I will be speaking at half a dozen events, one of them at the Academy! My publisher thinks that's just the tip of the iceberg! _I_ think she's a little carried away by the thought of actually making money out of this."

She was grinning widely. Jack sat back in his chair.

"I think you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You've been working so hard on this, and I just know people will be inspired by what you have to say. You can be really proud of yourself, Evelyn."

She bowed her head in a graceful little nod.

"Thanks."

"So, where is mine?"

"I put it on the bed side table in the guest room. I thought if you have trouble falling asleep it might help."

"Oh come on! Stop implying I'm too dumb for it."

She burst out laughing.

"I never bought the dumb act, Jack. Remember I've known you since before you developed that. All I was implying was you might be bored. It's a lot of psychology, you know, emotion and stuff."

"Urgh, gross!"

They both had another glass of wine and the conversation got sillier until they had to admit they'd better call it a night.

When he got into the guest room the first thing he did was pick up the small packet that lay on the bed side table. He carefully removed the wrapping paper. "Female Strategy – Women in Leadership, by retired USAF Colonel Evelyn Myers". He smiled as he opened it. On the first page there were two hand written lines:

_to Jack_

_I couldn't write what I wanted to write._

The smile disappeared from his face. Hurt. She was hurting, and he couldn't make her better. In fact he would probably have to make things worse. Evelyn. Carter. T had been right, there wasn't any honorable way to do this but to be on his own. Absentmindedly he closed the book and stroked the cover with his thumb. Evelyn was such a strong woman, and yet when it came to this thing between the two of them he knew she was incredibly vulnerable. Maybe he shouldn't have come. Maybe they should have kept that radio silence. His train of thought was interrupted by a polite knock. Oh please no. He had hoped he could avoid that conversation until tomorrow. He cleared his throat.

"Come in."

Evelyn opened the door and stepped into the room.

"I figured you would have read the inscription by now."

He smiled and nodded.

"I have. And I think we have to talk."

"Do we?"

"Yes."

Evelyn didn't want this conversation. She was pretty sure where it would go, and she preferred _not_ knowing. She took a step towards him.

"Jack, please. Can't we just - "

He reached out and carefully touched her cheek.

"I_ have_ to talk about it. Please."

She sighed, giving in to the inevitable. The look on her face said she was ready to hear what he had to say. It was a look of resignation.

"OK. Uh, look, I think...despite the little – scene I made the other night, I still don't think the two of us would work."

Evelyn had thought she was prepared, but it still felt like a punch to her stomach.

"If you decide that under these circumstances being friends is too painful, of course I'll understand, and I won't bother you anymore."

And that hurt, too.

"God, Jack. One of these days I swear I'll use that hold that Mike told me never to use in earnest."

"You feel like killing me?"

"Yes, Jack, some days I do."

"Not that I could blame you – but for what exactly are you going to kill me?"

She stepped past him to look out of the window. No way could she face him right now.

"Because I love you, and you don't, and it's so damn hard to get over you, and I should probably ban you from my life, but I refuse to deny myself this friendship, and -" She lost it. Usually the military discipline she had been used to, still worked for her, but this was too much. Tears were running down her cheeks, and she was shaking.

"Hey", Jack buried is hands in his pockets. His eyes were soft and his voice full of empathy. "I'd hug you, but -"

"Yes, please." She turned but still didn't look at him. He opened his arms and she moved into his embrace, clinging to him. He slowly ran his hands over her shoulder blades and down her back, wishing he could soothe her. But since he was the source of her pain he was at a loss.

"Evelyn, I really don't know what to do."

"Neither do I. All I know is I need you in my life."

"We'll figure it out. OK?"

When she didn't react he pulled away a little and looked at her.

"Just promise me you won't use that hold."

There was a tiny smile, and then she nodded.

"OK."

~o0o~

Jack woke up the next morning to the smell of coffee and – toast? When he entered Evelyn's kitchen she was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and eating toast. There was something spread on the toast that looked suspiciously like chocolate. He sat down across from her and frowned.

"Toast?"

"Yeah, why?"

"The only time we had breakfast together you wanted pancakes."

"Yeah, that's because I assumed you wouldn't have the ingredients for a European breakfast available."

"So how come you eat a European breakfast?"

"Remember I used to be stationed in Stuttgart?"

When he just nodded she went on:

"Well, I kept a love of dry red wine from that time – and for Nutella."

"For what?"

She indicated the half eaten toast.

"Nutella. It's like peanut butter, but made from hazelnut, and there's cacao in it. It's basically sugar."

"You're telling me they have something that tastes like chocolate to be spread on bread _and I have never tried that?_"

"I assume you didn't get off base a lot, and I'm pretty sure _on_ base there was no Nutella."

"So where did _you_ get to eat it?"

She just smiled, rather smugly he thought. Raising his eyebrows at her he made her smile even wider.

"Ah, you know, there was that liaison officer from the Luftwaffe..."

"No."

"Yes. It was a brief thing, nothing serious."

"And yet, you got to have breakfast together."

"And yet, we got to have breakfast together."

"Uhm, I remember you saying you wanted to catch up with some of the people you knew from back then during your trip to Europe..."

"What, you wanna know if Stephan was one of them?"

"Well..." He grinned.

"Yes, he was. And no, nothing happened between us."

She took a sip from her cup.

"I guess his wife and children wouldn't have been too thrilled."

"Oh."

"Yet I could still see what I had seen in him back then. We might have flirted a little. When his wife didn't look."

Jack was still grinning, and he was relieved to see her more relaxed.

"So, what about that Nutella thing. You willing to share?"

She considered for a moment. "OK."

She held out the jar to him but pulled back when he reached for it. "But only because I love you."

She held his gaze for a moment, and then a grin spread on her face. He exhaled. Somehow, he thought, they would be able to pull this off.

~o0o~

**For the sake of a scene I assumed there was no Nutella in the US. Which I know is wrong. Please forgive me :-)**


	27. Learning Curve

**A/N: Hey folks, sorry it's been so long. Had to actually go back and look where I had stopped! Thanks to ebineez01 for beta'ing and keeping my OC in character.  
**

When Evelyn's phone rang she thought about not answering it. She'd been running around all day and was feeling really tired, but when she saw the number on the display she smiled.

"Hey Jack."

"Hey."

He sounded drained.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just our last mission, it was a tough one. It was OK in the end, but in the middle of it I felt so – frustrated and helpless, and nobody was listening to me..."

"What can you tell me?"

"Not much, as usual. But – there were children involved, some of them very young. The adults – I hated to see the way they treated their children. They weren't allowed to be children. They kept telling us that it was such an honor to – uh, never mind. I felt like they had all been – brainwashed. And Hammond refused to help them because of the diplomatic fall out. Which by the way got me close to being court martialed once again."

She could tell from his voice how much he had detested his CO's decision.

"The way those kids behaved, it wasn't – natural. When Charlie was their age -"

Evelyn was wide awake all of a sudden.

"Charlie?"

Jack closed his eyes. He really didn't want to go there. It had been a slip. Charlie had been on his mind all through that mission, that's why he had let down his guard. Reluctantly he explained: "My son."

"You have a son, and you _never_ speak of him? Did your ex-wife get custody?"

"I'm not talking about it."

"What, just like that? You don't _talk_ about him?"

He took a deep breath. "Please, Evelyn. It was – different than you think. But I really don't want to talk about it. Maybe some other time, OK?"

"OK. I'm sorry. None of my business anyway."

There was a brief silence. "So. What's going on in _your_ life?"

She needed a moment to adjust. "Uh, I had this stupid idea..."

"If it's your idea it's most probably anything but stupid."

"I'm not sure yet, it's all still in my head. I realized I needed some place to work out. Mike's place is out, so I thought about what I'd like to do. And so I started a sports group. Well I'm in the process of starting one. I'd taken up physiotherapy again, and the therapists helped me organize it. I have half a dozen people, all my generation and all former military personnel. The idea is that everybody teaches what they know to the others."

"You'll teach taekwondo?"

"Yep. We have different kinds of martial arts, a swimmer, one guy who's into basketball and a lady who's a very successful runner. She does several marathons every year. And of course all of them remember their AF training and are used to a regular work out."

"Remind me not to mess with you, Evelyn. You sound like you're in better shape than I am."

She chuckled. "Getting there."

"And what was that about taking up physio again, are you having trouble?"

"On and off. I'm not getting any younger. It's basically prevention, I'd like to be able to use my legs for a little longer."

"Do I need to be worried?"

"No. Really it's just making sure that things stay as they are. But I'm flattered."

"Hey, you _know_ that I care about you, right?"

"Yes, Jack. I do."

She could hear a phone ring.

"Uh, Evelyn? I have to answer that. Hang on, will you?"

"OK."

She heard him answer his cell phone: "O'Neill?...What?...At home...I see. I'm on my way."

And then he was back on the line. "OK, I have to get going. Some emergency at the base."

"What? OK, you'd better get going. I'll catch you later."

She'd hung up before he could say good bye. 'Military to the core still', he thought as he grabbed his jacket and made his way to the mountain, wondering what the big emergency might be this time.

**You guys know which emergency it is, right?**


	28. Point of View

**Hey folks, thanks for r&amp;r. For those of you who are worried about the way Jack dealt with the Charlie thing in the last chapter - read on. :-)**

When Jack got home after the alternate reality thing his head still swam, and the concept of alternate realities wasn't the only reason for that. When he closed his eyes he could still feel Sam's body in his arms. Only it hadn't been Sam. The real one. The right one. Whatever. He got himself a beer from the fridge and sat down. After a few minutes he noticed the blinking light on his phone.

_"Hey, it's Evelyn. You're probably still in the middle of that emergency, but when you've solved it __– __notice I didn't say 'if'? - anyway, I'd appreciate an update on how you came out of it. You, your team, the base, whoever it concerned. I mean, not right away of course. Just, after the dust has settled. Uh crap, you know what I mean. Just let me know you're OK."_

He smiled at her uncharacteristically ineloquent message. Did he feel like talking to her right now? He started typing a text message on his cell phone, but as it got longer and longer he realized that maybe talking to her wasn't such bad idea.

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey! Glad to hear your voice. How did it go?"

"Uh, not too bad actually. A little rough for a while, but successful eventually. But – I did something very stupid. It looked like the right thing to do at the time, but in hindsight it was stupid."

"Let me guess, you did it to help someone, and you got hurt in the process."

He considered that for a moment. "Well, I guess you could put it that way..."

"You really have to start thinking about what's best for you for a change."

Jack fiddled with the beer in his hand. "This one isn't exactly classified, you know?"

"It's not? Oh wait, you mean you actually _want_ to tell me?"

"There was this woman. She said I reminded her of – someone. Her husband. She had only just lost him, and she – I guess you could say she turned to me for comfort."

"That's – how do you feel?"

He sighed. "Used. And I know it sounds pathetic -"

"How is that pathetic? She was mourning, and she needed someone, and you were there. But it wasn't about you, she probably – uh, well. You know."

"Thought of _him_? You can bet she did. It wasn't about me, I was a replacement. That wouldn't have been such an ordeal, you know."

"But?"

His voice was low, troubled. "She reminded me of someone, too. The whole thing just shoved into my face what I can't have. What it could be like. It was a very bad idea."

"Where is she now?"

"Went back to where she came from."

After a moment Evelyn softly asked: "Does Sam know?"

Talk about irony. He remembered the awkward conversation he had had with the real Sam right after he'd come out of the other Sam's quarters. How he'd hoped she would open up to him, only to be brushed off. "No, she doesn't."

"And now you're alone."

"Yeah. With a lot of time to think. And not nearly enough beer."

"You want me to come?"

"No. You don't have to come to the rescue every time I get myself into trouble."

"That wasn't the question. Do you _want_ me to come? You know, thinking about what's best for you for a change?"

She could hear the beginning of a smile in his voice when he said: "No, really, it's OK."

"Good, but get yourself some company. Talk to the team. Don't be all alone, Jack."

"I can't tell them."

"You don't have to. Just spend some time with them, one of them at least. Don't carry the weight of the world all the time, Jack."

"Well I guess that's not such a bad idea. Thank you, Evelyn."

"Always."

~o0o~

"Feel like grabbing a beer or three? Well, one for you, three for me?"

If Daniel was surprised by the invitation, he didn't let it show. He simply said 'yes'.

~o0o~

Over his third beer, while Daniel had excused himself to the restroom, Jack took his cell phone and texted Evelyn.

_About that 'thinking about what's best for me' thing __– __I'd like to give it a try. Any chance you might be in the neighborhood sometime soon?_

He found her answer when he checked his phone before going to bed that night.

_Say when._

~o0o~

They sat on Jack's roof enjoying the evening sun. Evelyn told him about the first meeting she had had with her new sports group, and he could tell that she liked them. "I don't think I'll be running a marathon, but I'm really looking forward to being trained by her. Oh and I'd love to play basketball again. I haven't for a very long time, but I used to like it a lot when I was young."

Jack smiled at her, pleased to see her that relaxed and happy. She returned the smile, but her eyes turned serious. "So, why am I here?"

Jack broke eye contact. "Because I need to apologize. Or maybe explain, actually. When you asked about Charlie, I couldn't tell you, not over the phone. But I do want you to know. It's the most horrible thing that ever happened in my life, and that's saying something."

"Jack, you don't have to talk about it if it's that hard. That's OK, I'll never bring it up again."

"No. I do want to talk about it. Come with me? Please?"

~o0o~

When they got out of his truck and started walking Evelyn realized where they were.

"Oh my God."

Jack simply looked at her, pleading with her to join him. Her throat felt constricted as she followed him through the many rows of headstones. When he stopped in front of a small one she stood next to him. Charles Tyler O'Neill. All sorts of thoughts were running wild in her head, and in order to calm herself she did the maths. The boy hadn't lived to see his ninth birthday, and he had died almost four years ago. She still didn't know what to say. Jack looked at his son's grave for a while. She didn't dare to take her eyes from the stone, afraid of what she might find in his face.

"Let's go home. I can't tell you here."

~o0o~

They were sitting in his living room.

"I've never been there with another person. Sara goes to visit him, too, but we never go there together. I sometimes talk to him, you know?"

"What about?", she asked, carefully, softly, still afraid to look at him.

"All sorts of things. Missions. Places I went. People I met. He used to be very curious about the people I served with, always asking about their families and pets, about their ranks and full names. He would remember all of that information, and the next time I brought someone up he would point out if they'd been promoted, or he would ask about their children."

Evelyn could tell that he was somewhere else, his eyes fixed on nothing, his voice hoarse.

"Jack, do you want to tell me what happened?"

"He – it was an accident. He was playing with my gun**...**"

Evelyn closed her eyes in shock.

"By the time we got to him he was unresponsive. We got him to the hospital, but it was too late. He never opened his eyes. I couldn't even say goodbye..."

That last sentence gave him away. All his pain and grief, how much he longed for his child, it was all there in the way his voice broke as he said those words. Evelyn was crying, but she hardly noticed it. Her voice was just as unstable as his. All she said was: "C'mere."

She thought he hadn't heard her, or that he was refusing to be touched, but then he turned to her, a tiny movement, as if he wasn't sure what he wanted. It was enough though. She opened her arms for him and gently pulled him close, holding him, softly rubbing his back. After a moment's hesitation he surrendered completely, his body going limp.

"I don't deserve this", he breathed.

Guilt. He felt guilty about Charlie's death. Maybe his ex wife had blamed him, certainly he had blamed himself. And he still did. She knew him well enough to know that for him to break down like this, it had to be bad. Very bad. She tried to pull away a little to look at him, touch his face, but he held tight and refused to let go.

"I don't deserve comfort, but I need it so badly, Evelyn..."

She swallowed hard, fighting to get her emotions under control.

"You're mourning your son, you deserve every comfort I can possibly give, Jack. No matter how guilty you might feel – more than anything else, it has to hurt."

He relaxed a little when he realized she wouldn't let go. "It was what drove Sara and me apart. We didn't know how to deal with it. I should have helped her, but I couldn't. Instead I went on that mission that looked like a sure suicide thing. I didn't expect to make it back, maybe she didn't either. But we pulled it off and I did make it back. Only when I did she was gone."

"She left while you were on that mission?"

"I had been on some mission or the other most of the time of our marriage. Somehow it seemed fitting that she would decide to end that marriage while I was gone once again."

His son dead, his wife gone. How much could one man take, Evelyn wondered. Jack took a deep breath and pulled out of her embrace. Reluctantly she let go of him only to be surprised by the small, but genuine smile on his face. "Thank you."

"I didn't do much."

"There _is_ nothing anyone can do. They tried, believe me. They kept telling me how sorry they were, they tried to tell me it wasn't my fault, they even tried to cheer me up. I was told that with time it would get easier. Believe me, it doesn't. You get used to the pain so it doesn't feel like a raw, bleeding wound any more but more like a dull, constant ache that becomes a part of you. But you don't need me to tell you that. You have lost people you loved, too."

She had, and she knew what he was talking about. But although she'd never had a child, she could still imagine that burying your own kid must be the most painful thing in the world. Jack's smile had grown a little wider. "Really, I'm grateful. Thank you for being here. I really needed to talk about Charlie. Keep him alive. There aren't too many people I can talk to about him. Thanks."

He pulled her into a hug that felt a lot more like the man she knew. That other Jack, the troubled, vulnerable, grieving father that she had gotten a glimpse of was gone. For now.


	29. About making decisions

Jack had slept surprisingly well, emotionally exhausted, but at least a little comforted. Opening up to Evelyn had been the right thing to do. Over breakfast they didn't talk much. Evelyn wasn't sure what frame of mind he was in, and she didn't want to cause him pain by saying the wrong thing. That's why she was surprised when he started talking, low, controlled, but clearly still emotionally affected:

"On my first mission for the current program I met a kid. He reminded me of Charlie with the way he kept saluting me. It looked funny on him, but he was very serious about it. We had that weird connection from the first moment. Almost like a second son...Anyway, that kid was – kidnapped, I guess you could call it, and there was nothing we could do. About a year later, we found him again. They had – changed him, like a brainwash, kinda turned him around. I thought I'd gotten through to him, but then all of a sudden he threatened Daniel. He would have killed him..."

Evelyn didn't dare to ask, but obviously Jack seemed determined to be open with her, so she didn't have to. "I shot him."

She closed her eyes. "I fired two shots into him, and I shot to kill."

He took a deep breath. "Fortunately my hand was a little unstable, and he made it."

Relief flooded her. To think that he carried the blame for another dead child, another dead son, had been unbearable. Still he must feel guilty for firing on the kid, not only risking killing him, but actually aiming for it. She really didn't know what to say.

"I had to make a decision. A kid that felt like a son, but had been compromised beyond my reach, against my friend and team mate, for whom I was responsible. I hate making those choices."

"It comes with being in command. And it keeps happening, right?"

"Yes, it does. Later on that same mission Daniel took a hit. I thought – hell, _he _thought he wouldn't make it. I left him behind in order to complete the mission. He saved his own ass. We'd left him behind, _I _had left him behind, again, and again he'd saved himself." 'Remarkably bad at staying dead', Jack thought with a smile. He remembered the relief he had felt when Danny had turned up in the 'gate room. He had been relieved enough not to care about who was watching when he'd engulfed his archeologist in a bear hug. 'Space Monkey' had popped into his head from out of nowhere, and only after he had said it he realized it fit perfectly. He'd decided to keep calling him that and find out how long it would take until Danny was annoyed by it. Sam had hugged Daniel, too, and she'd been just as enthusiastic.

And then he and Sam had held each other for a moment, pure joy at being alive, at having saved the planet. Not such a bad day after all.


	30. Letting their hair down

**I made it to chapter 30 of this story, and it feels like a milestone, so I guess it's a good time to say thank you. I greatly appreciate each and every one of you who reads, reviews, follows or faves this story. A very special thanks to my dear friend ebineez01 who spared me some embarrassment in this and who generally is a great help. You already got your reward, girl :-) I felt like doing something a little out of the usual for 30th so I hope you enjoy. And I hope you will stay with me for at least another 30... **

Jack and Evelyn were sitting on the couch in his living room, each with a glass of wine and the bottle within reach. They had decided to get drunk and tell each other stories, sensing they both needed that after all the heavy stuff they had talked about. Evelyn played with her glass. "Tell me about the first crush you ever had."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, the first girl that caught your eye? The first one you dreamed about, fantasized -"

"OK, OK, I know what a crush is. Only if you tell me, too."

"Of course. Wouldn't be fair if I didn't, right?"

"Right." He was silent for a moment. "Alessandra. She spent a year at my high school as an exchange student. Spanish, easily two years older than me. All curves and temper and long soft dark brown curls. I wish I could say something profound about how beautiful her eyes were, but I never got close enough for that. I _could_ see she had an ass like – none I'd ever seen before, and boobs that – haunted me."

"Let me guess, your mom had to change your sheets a lot."

He didn't grace her with an answer to that but instead took another swig of wine. Staring into his glass he grinned: "Boy was she out of my league. Guess she never even noticed me."

"You never talked to her?"

"Nope."

"I didn't think you used to be shy."

"I'm - still shy."

"Oh come on. You're the picture of self confidence."

"I'm fine when I'm in uniform. With a mission objective and a chain of command and a strategy. I'm shy when it comes to personal matters. Took me half a year to ask Sara out on a date."

Evelyn let her head fall back against the couch. "God I wish you could see yourself through my eyes." She looked at him again. "Uh, probably not such a good idea."

His eyebrows rose.

"Might give you an ego the size of the sun", she said dryly and held out her empty glass. "So, what happened to the Spanish beauty?"

Jack poured her more wine. "Of course she had to hook up with _the quarterback. _Such a cliché."

"You didn't play?"

"Football? Nah. I played hockey."

"Were you any good?"

"I was. Until I broke my arms."

"Arm_s_? _Both arms?_"

"Within 6 weeks."

"You played with a broken arm?"

"The first one was easy, and it was the left arm anyway. The right arm was bad, splintered elbow, pins and stuff. Took about a year to fully heal. My parents didn't wanna let me play after that."

"I can see their point."

"I turned to soccer after that, but the team was short lived."

"Soccer?

"Yep. Didn't need my arms there."

She grinned at his logic. "Did you take it up again while you were in Germany?"

"I tried, but those guys were way over my head. It's in their DNA."

He shifted his weight on the couch. "Your turn. First crush?"

Evelyn thought back. "I guess that would have been Oliver. He was a cop. Friend of my parents."

"How old were you?"

"13 maybe?"

"What? How old was _he_?"

"I'm not sure, twice my age. He never knew."

"What did ya like about him?"

"He was in great shape, handsome, funny. He treated me with respect. Of course I was just a kid to him, but he didn't let me feel that. He was nice, friendly. And I thought he was hot. It didn't last long, though. Oh and my mom told me she would be alright with any man I'd bring home – that must have been some time later obviously – as long as he was neither a cop nor a race driver."

"There went Olli." He held out his glass to her and she clinked hers to it. They drank a little more and were silent for a while. It was Evelyn who broke the silence. "So what about your first time?"

Jack coughed and struggled to get his breathing back under control. "Jesus, Evelyn, can't you warn a guy?"

"Oh come on, still sober enough to be shy?"

"Yeah...", he drawled.

"OK, I'll go first."

"Wait, do I really want to know?"

"Oh be a sport! I'll spare you the gory details. Sissy."

He laughed out loud at that and looked at her expectantly.

"OK, his name was Andrew, and it was in college. He was a little older than me -"

"What, twice your age? Wait a minute, you had a thing with your professor?"

She slapped his arm. "No silly, another student."

"I'm just saying."

"Shut up and let me tell my story."

"Yes, ma'am", he raised his hands in surrender.

"So, Andrew, had a great voice and was a member of the theater group, he had long dark blond hair, and he was probably the most beautiful being on earth. Of course all the girls thought that, so I was really flattered when he spoke to me after one of the group's performances – of course I went to see all of them – and asked me if I'd like to join the group since I was obviously such a theater fan...I had sleepless nights until I finally made up my mind and gave it a try. I was a failure...but somehow Andrew thought I was cute. So we started a relationship that lasted almost five months. And he was my first time."

"Was it good?"

She considered for a moment. "For a first time? I'd say yes. He was sweet and sensual and -"

"Ack! OK, fine. Enough details."

She chuckled and decided to show mercy on him. More wine, and then she turned to him. "So, spill. First time. Who was she?"

"Her name was Nicole. Short blond curls, bright green eyes and the softest skin ever. Slim, but with all the right curves in all the right places. It was _her_ first time, too."

"How old were you?"

"It happened between high school and Vietnam, so – 18, I guess. For some unknown reason she thought I was -"

"Cute?"

"Hot! I was going to say 'hot'."

"Yeah, I bet you were..."

Jack swallowed at the sound of her voice. "Anyway. She had decided that I was the one. So she hunted me down."

"You poor thing."

He pouted but couldn't keep it up. A wide grin spread over his face. "Ah well, you know, wasn't so bad..."

"Come _on_!"

"A gentleman never tells."

"Where?"

"Pardon?"

"Where did you do it?"

He looked at her trying to assess if she was serious. When he realized she was he sighed. "The sports ground."

"What?"

"Hey, it was dark, a summer night, nobody else was there. I think."

"You _think_?"

"Sometimes, if I can't help it..."

She chuckled again and poured herself more wine. She really enjoyed this. "This was a brilliant idea."

"It sprang from a brilliant mind."

They clinked their glasses once more. Jack held his up in a salute. "Here's to brilliant minds."

"And weird conversations."


	31. Dean Man Switch

**I'd like to apologize for the long delay. I'm rewatching the show from the beginning and I decided not to publish chapters that deal with eps I haven't rewatched yet because I keep coming up with things I would have liked to use in this story - *after* the chapter in question was published. So I'm afraid this story will be more or less stalled until I have caught up. **

**This chapter is called "Dead man switch" simply to give you an idea when in the show it takes place, but the ep isn't even adressed in the chapter.**

**beta'd as always by the lovely ebineez01**

When Jack got Evelyn's answering machine for the third time in as many weeks he started to get a bad feeling. He'd left a short message every time and yet she'd never called him back. He tried to collect his thoughts.

_"Hey, it's Jack again. I'm getting worried here. How come you __won't talk to me? Please let me know you're OK. If you don't feel like talking a text message is fine as well...just...say __something, OK?"_

A few hours later his phone pinged.

_I am OK. Just having a rough time. I'll tell you when I'm through._

What the hell was _that_ supposed to mean?

_If you were trying to reassure me, you failed. Big time._

He kept looking at his phone after that until late that night, but it remained silent. Still worried he decided to call it a night and went to bed. Only to be woken by the phone. Hewas pretty sure it had to be some SGC emergency, because Evelyn wouldn't call him at – he glanced at his alarm clock – 03:34.

"O'Neill?"

When there wasn't an immediate answer he knew it wasn't the SGC.

"Evelyn? That you?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be calling at this time of -"

He was almost sure she was crying. Or had been. He sat up.

"Hey, I'm _glad_ you called. What's up with you?"

"It's Kate."

"Your friend?"

"Yes. She spent 6 days in hospital after she experienced visual and sensibility disorders, dizziness and headaches – and they still don't know what's wrong, so they released her and she's seeing a lot of docs and I think – I think I know what it is Jack, and it scares the hell out of me."

He felt his chest tighten. He'd never met Evelyn's best friend, but he knew how close they were, and it was painful to hear the usually composed former officer sound this frightened. He swallowed once and tried to keep his voice calm. "What, Evelyn? What do you think it is?"

When she hesitated, he understood. "You don't wanna name it."

"It's silly."

"No, it's not. You're afraid it might make it more real if you say it out loud."

"Yeah, maybe." And then, seemingly out of the blue: "She might need a wheel chair some day. Kate! In a wheel chair!"

It sounded almost hysterical. He knew he had to calm her down, so he tried for logic. "OK, was whatever you think it might be confirmed by the docs? Is there a chance her symptoms could mean something else?"

There was a brief silence again as Evelyn pulled herself together. "No, it wasn't confirmed. Actually they'd ruled it out already, but now the remaining test results hint at it. And yes it could still be something else, so I know it's too early to panic, but -"

"But you're still scared."

"Yes", her voice was low and she sounded so lonely it broke his heart.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No. I don't think there's much anyone can do right now. We'll have to let the docs do their thing. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. And boy am I great at _that."_

Jack was relieved to hear a hint of her sense of humor had returned to her voice.

"When will they know more?"

"She has another appointment tomorrow and I hope we'll know more after that. You know, I really don't know what to wish for, Jack."

He understood at once. "Whether you'd like them to tell her it's not what you think or wish for an enemy you can attack."

"Yeah. You know, make a plan. Follow through with it. Beat the damn thing."

She was thinking like a soldier. He could so relate to that.

"You will. Whatever it is, there will be a way to take it on. If you think it's appropriate, say hello from me, give her my best regards. And please tell me if there's anything I can do. For you, I mean."

She sighed again. "I sure could use a hug right now."

"I'm sorry I can't be there. We're scheduled to go on a mission tomorrow."

"That's OK, Jack."

"You want me to come after the mission?"

"Depending on what the doc says, I might need that."

"OK. Just say he word."

"OK. And Jack? Thanks. And sorry."

"Always. And for what?"

"Calling you in the middle of the night, while you should be getting some rest before embarking on a mission?"

"Oh, that. I'll blame _you_ if I screw up."

Hearing her chuckle flooded him with relief. A smile still in her voice she said: "OK. You do that."

"Get some sleep, Evelyn."

"OK."

"Night."

"Night, Jack."

~o0o~

Jack left the base as soon as he was cleared by Janet after the bounty hunter thing, making it to Evelyn's doorstep in record time. When she opened the door he could tell she needed him.

"Hey", was all she could say before her composure broke, so he closed the distance between them and pulled her against his chest. They stood on her front porch for a very long time without speaking, and all the time Jack's worries grew. Eventually Evelyn pulled back. "Sorry. Please come in."

Once they were settled in her living room Jack looked at her. "So, what's new?"

"Nothing", she almost spat, frustration evident in her voice and face. Jack just kept looking at her.

"They still don't know. Frankly I think the doc she has been seeing is a jerk. He says it isn't anything serious, that she's simply stressed and shouldn't worry. But those results have to mean something. I don't know. Her husband is a wreck. I don't think he eats or sleeps. Kate herself claims she's feeling a little better, but she also says the dizziness and headache are still there and I think she's just being brave."

Jack waited for a moment, still looking at her, before he asked: "What about you?"

"Hm?"

"How are _you_ holding up?"

She didn't say anything, and that was enough of an answer.

"Not knowing is driving you nuts, right?"

That got him a small smile and a nod. "Right."

He lowered his eyes as he went on: "It sucks. You feel useless. Like you're supposed to be doing something but can't figure out what."

"Yeah", her voice was soft, resigned.

Jack sat up straighter and looked a her again. "That's what we're trained to do. Come up with a strategy and then attack. So when faced with an enemy we can't see, we're out of our depth. This is something nobody prepared you for."

"No. I really don't know what to do. When she told me the doc had ruled out anything serious I should have been relieved."

"But you weren't?"

"No. I was – angry."

"And now you feel guilty."

"Yes! I mean what sort of friend would feel angry at the news that the patient _doesn't_ suffer from a terminal disease?"

"Evelyn, it simply means you didn't buy it. Did Kate?"

Evelyn shook her head. "No. Since the symptoms are still there she also thinks there must be more to it. She'll be seeing a specialist at the clinic to get a second opinion. She's waiting for them to give her an appointment."

"So, more waiting."

"Yep. More waiting. My favorite pastime."

He smiled at her and decided: "We need to get your mind off this. Weren't you supposed to meet with your sports group tonight?"

"Yeah, but I canceled. Just didn't feel like it."

"OK Colonel, seriously – will it do Kate any good if you keep away from your workout? Right now I mean?"

"What, you want me to go? Now that you came all the way over to see me?"

"I'll still be here when you come back. Just – let off some steam. Think of something different for a while."

She looked at him, and he could tell that she was considering it. "You sure?"

"Absolutely. Go have fun. I'll have a nice calm evening and we can talk some more when you're back."

She smiled at him, the first full smile he had gotten from her since he had arrived. "You're nuts."

"I know. That's what they all love me for."

"And you're amazing."

"So you keep telling me."

She got up and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Thank you."

"Always."

When she returned a few hours later she looked a lot better – less worried, more relaxed. They spent a little time talking, but didn't mention Kate. Evelyn smiled at Jack with affection and gratitude. "You know me well."

"You function quite similar to myself, it's easy."

"That's what you would have done. Occupy yourself. Try to stop thinking."

"Since _thinking_ has never really been my strong suit, it's not that difficult", he said casually, but she knew it wasn't true. On the contrary, he probably had way too much experience with trying to distract himself from things he didn't want to think about. But she decided to let it go, not wanting to go back to the sombre mood she had been in. Instead she told him a little more about the training session – mostly basketball – and soon they called it a night. Giving him a brief, but firm hug she said: "Thank you. There's nobody I'd rather have been with today."

He still held her loosely and smiled at her. "Welcome. Think you're gonna sleep?"

"Are you kidding me? The guys wore me out completely, so I guess I'll be asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow."

"Good." He placed a small kiss on her forehead. With another smile she let go of him.

"Night, Jack."

"Night, Evelyn."


	32. Surprise

**beta'd by ebineez01 - actually she wrote this chapter :-) all I did was add a little flesh to the bone.**

Evelyn turned up on Jack's door step out of the blue. No phone call, no text message. The moment he opened his door she started to cry, and he froze.

"Oh God Evelyn, what's up? Is it Kate? What – "

She tried to answer him but couldn't say much, so he just pulled her in a hug and after a few moments he steered her into his living room and made her sit down.

"Can you try and calm down a little, please?"

She nodded, and he was relieved to see a small smile on her lips. As soon as she could she choked out:

"It's not MS!"

Jack needed a moment to catch up.

"I know I haven't told you I thought it was MS, but I did, and it was hanging over our heads all this time, and she saw that specialist and he did more tests and explained it properly and -"

"And it's not MS."

"Yes."

She exhaled and gave him a full smile.

"So how is she?"

"Most of her symptoms are gone, and they think the initial problem might have been a migraine attack. It's in her family, so it's a likely explanation. The dizziness she still has might be caused by her cervical spine. She's being treated for that now, and she's confident that it will help. I'm – relieved."

Jack relaxed, suddenly aware of the tension he had been feeling since Evelyn had showed up.

"That's good. I'm glad – for Kate, but also for you. You must have been really worried."

"I was. But now things are getting back to normal."

She looked at him still smiling.

"Thank you Jack." Before he could ask she added: "For being there when I needed you."

"I'm glad I could do something to help. You've been there for me more times than I can count, and it felt good to finally give something back."

She was still smiling, but her eyes looked suspiciously wet yet again. Time for a distraction.

"So, you wanna join me and the team? Daniel is hosting a little barbecue."

"Oh God Jack, I wasn't thinking..."

"What?"

"I should have considered you might have plans!"

"Oh come on, don't be silly. Just come with me, the guys will love to see you, and Carter will be thrilled to have female reinforcement."

"I got the impression she can pretty much handle you guys on her own", Evelyn shot back, but she was smiling, so he knew he had her.

~o0o~

Daniel opened the door. "Jack, is there any chance you will ever be – Evelyn?"

The linguist beamed at the surprise visitor and engulfed her in a hug. Turning back into the house he called: "Sam, uh Murray, look who's here!"

Jack had to give him credit for his presence of mind. Teal'c showed up with a baseball cap low on his head and bowed to Evelyn. Sam followed close behind and hugged the former colonel, too.

They spent an evening full of laughter and lots of stories, and the playful banter was even more vivid with Evelyn joining in.

"God help me, they're closing ranks", Jack hissed at Daniel, nodding in the direction Sam and Evelyn were sitting deep in conversation. Daniel just grinned and made his way to the kitchen. When Jack turned around he found himself face to face with a Jaffa whose facial expression was equivalent to a huge grin.

"Don't. I swear if you say one word about being stuck between two women -"

"Are you threatening to use violence against me in the house of a friend, O'Neill?"

"Oh for cryin' out loud", Jack murmured and got himself another beer. Sometimes, _just _sometimes, he was temped to wish for the old times, when war had been for men and men alone.


	33. Demons - Forever - Jolinar - Devil

**Hey guys! It's been a loooong time...this is just a little something to get back into the game. It hasn't been beta'd because ebi is still very busy, so any mistakes you find are mine. Jack's on the phone once more after making it back from Hell. Netu. Whatever.  
**

~o0o~

"I really don't know where to begin."

He sighed, raking his hand through his hair.

"Well, how about at the beginning, leaving out all the classified stuff and distorting the rest so I barely get what you're talking about?"

She heard him chuckle.

"Sounds like a plan."

He took a swig from his beer bottle.

"OK, first we thought we'd lost Murray, but it turned out he's even more resilient than we already knew. Then Daniel quit the program after Murray had to kill his wife to safe Daniel's life -"

"Wait, what?"

"Uh, did I ever tell you about Daniel's wife? She'd been taken prisoner -"

"Yeah, he was trying to find her. So you finally did find her?"

"Yes we did, but she'd been compromised. The fact is she was holding a weapon to Daniel's head when Murray got to them, so he had to shoot her."

"Oh my God. How did Daniel deal with it?"

"Not so good. Of course he blamed Murray, claiming he would have gotten through to her. Anyway he handed in his resignation. He said he'd achieved his goal...personally I think he was devastated to have lost her. Finally finding her only to lose her for good – and then of course he wouldn't cooperate with Murray any longer. I watched my team drift apart. And Daniel was heart broken. I tried to talk him out of quitting, but he told me he just couldn't do it any more. There was nothing I could do."

"You miss him."

"I did. But he's back!"

"What? What changed his mind?"

"I have no idea. He's an annoying smart ass geek, but I'm so glad he's back. Don't ever tell him I said that. But I really missed him."

"How did things turn out between him and Murray?"

"They sorted it out somehow. Don't ask me how. But they seem to be good."

"So you got your team back together. All's well that ends well."

"Uh, well..."

"Oh no. What else?"

"About a week later we embarked on a mission that was just – well – hell. It was a rescue mission but it almost got all of us killed. We were going in after Sam's dad, Jacob. We had an informant that got us in, but I didn't quite trust the guy."

"Why not?"

_For a lot of reasons...first of all he's a snakehead, no matter what he calls himself! _

"I didn't like the way he treated Carter. He put her at risk, talked her into stuff she shouldn't have done."

"She was trying to save her dad."

"Yeah, but still. I just – generally didn't like him."

"Jack, is it possible that there's a more personal reason to that?"

She heard him murmur something that might have been 'jealous'.

"What was that?"

"OK fine I didn't like that they have history. Way back like from another life, but still. They're too – familiar with each other for my liking."

Evelyn felt for him.

"You didn't like them working together."

"Nope."

"But they were succesful - you were succesful?"

"Yes we were. Murray saved our collective asses. Boy the guy can fly..."

There was a pause that Evelyn knew meant there was something else. Something Jack wouldn't say without being asked. So she took a breath.

"What else?"

She could hear him sigh. And probably he was taking a swig of his beer. Or something stronger maybe.

"While we were held prisoner, they used a – drug on us. Fucking with our minds. I - kept seeing Charlie, Evelyn. I couldn't believe how much that hurt..."

She closed her eyes. There was _nothing_ she could do. Nothing she could possibly say to ease his pain. So she just listened to him breathing, getting himself under control.

"Anyway, we got Jacob back and I can even put weight on the leg again."

"What? What happened to your leg?"

"Oh didn't I mention that? Got shot - why is it always the leg. Or the knee. One could think they know where it hurts most..."

She swallowed hard, not sure if he was still talking about being shot.


	34. A Hundred Days

Evelyn knew Jack's missions had a bad tendency to be overdue, but when she didn't hear from him in two months she started to get worried. When she was unable to reach him for another week she started to get really worried. And when she failed to reach Sam as well she got scared. She took a deep breath and worked her way through the AF connections she still had until she finally got to Major General George Hammond.

"I'm sorry, Colonel", he said with a sigh. "I'm afraid we had to declare him MIA. Major Carter is working on a way to get to him almost 24/7."

Which explained why Evelyn couldn't get a hold of the major either.

"Do you know if he's alive?"

"We don't have reason to assume otherwise. It's just – difficult to get to him. But I have the uttermost faith in the major's abilities to work it out. We'll get him back, Evelyn."

She thanked the general and hung up the phone. What had he gotten himself into this time...why wasn't his team with him, and what the hell was 'difficult to get to him' supposed to mean?

When he finally called she briefly wondered if maybe she was getting too old for this. She had to sit down and take a deep breath. She listened to him trying to assure her that he was OK, and after a few minutes she actually started to believe him. And then there was a break. Silence. And a sigh.

"I'm an idiot, Evelyn."

"You are?"

"Oh come on, you could at least _pretend_ to contradict me."

She smiled, but it vanished quickly.

"Where the hell were you, Jack?"

"You know I can't tell you. Uh, did you talk to Carter recently?"

"No, why?"

"Good."

"Good? Why on earth is that good?"

"Because she would have gone on a rant probably..."

"OK, so you've been an idiot about something that concerns _her_. More of an idiot than usual?"

Jack considered playing hurt, but she was right.

"Yes. More of an idiot than usual."

"Spill."

"That place I got stuck – it wasn't exactly that bad. Just that I couldn't get home. Like – being stranded on a remote island or something."

"M-hm?"

"Anyway I might have let myself be – dragged into – something."

"Jack, please. You're not making any sense."

He heaved another sigh.

"OK there was that woman, Laira."

"So you're saying you jumped into some kind of relationship while being MIA?"

He didn't say anything to that for a while.

"I didn't exactly _jump, _Evelyn. I felt – uh crap I thought I'd never make it home. I was -"

"Lonely."

"Yeah."

He drew a deep breath.

"She'd been giving me the eye from day one but I didn't think too much of it. But after three months of – being alone I gave in. She did me good, Evelyn..."

Evelyn smiled a little sadly. Her voice was soft when she went on:

"I don't see why you'd have to justify yourself. Not to Sam and certainly not to me."

"I keep telling myself that, too. But she's mad and I feel guilty and it – affects us."

"The team?"

"Yeah."

"Then talk to her. It's true that you don't owe her like you would if you were in a relationship, but you owe her as her CO. You have to rely on each other, and you don't need me to tell you that. You're an amazing commander, Jack. Don't let something like that stand between you and destroy the trust you had. Talk to her. Off base. Somewhere she feels safe enough to say what's on her mind."

~o0o~

When Carter opened the door Jack thought she looked really bad. Thin and even paler than usual, and if he looked close enough her eyes might have been red and a little swollen. Maybe this had been a bad idea...

The way she stood straighter when she realized it was him cut through his heart. Always the good soldier, no matter how spent she must be. He remembered the general's words – 'I'm sending Major Carter home for a few days. I doubt she's been sleeping more than three hours a night since you went missing.'

Now she lifted her chin in a way that couldn't possibly mean anything good.

"Sir?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure. Come on in, sir."

He followed her into her kitchen. When she turned to look at him quizzically he said:

"Could you please drop the sir for the moment, Carter? And by that I mean that I'd like you to speak freely."

"Are you sure that's what you want, _Jack_?"

His gut clenched. He realized she'd never really been mad at him, or if she had she'd always reined it in, good soldier that she was. He nodded at her, bracing himself for what was to come.

"Have at it."

And all of a sudden she deflated. Bowing her head she avoided his eyes.

"It took me too long, didn't it?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"It took my a freaking hundred days to figure out how to get to you. You grew tired of waiting."

"No! I -"

But it _was_ true. He had given up. She had been working her ass off to get him home and he had given up and started making a life for himself on Edora.

"I was working night and day, Jack. I was – missing you so badly. And when we finally made it there I could see that it was too late. You weren't waiting for us any more."

Good Lord did she hear what he'd said to Laira?

"Sam, I was an idiot. I treated you like shit after everything you'd done...I'm just so used to you saving my sorry ass. I should have said thank you. I should have -"

Her eyes came up to meet his.

"Is it true? That you'd rather stayed on Edora than come back to Earth?"

He briefly closed his eyes. God how much he wanted her in his arms right now...

"No. It's not. I was lost, and confused, but I'm glad to be back. Home."

He opened his eyes pleading with her to understand. _With you._

She straightened once more.

"Well I guess you don't owe me anything. It might be different if we had some kind of a – personal relationship, but since you're my CO..."

That hurt. It was true, and yet it wasn't, and it hurt.

"I always liked to think that maybe you saw me as a friend, Carter. Not just your CO."

She just kept looking at him, blue eyes bright with tears she stubbornly refused to shed. Her voice was low and so uncharacteristically insecure that it made him wince:

"Are we? Friends I mean?"

He took a step towards her.

"Of course. Come here."

She stepped into his embrace and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

"I missed you like crazy", she breathed, and his grip tightened.

"I'm here. You got me back. Thank you."

She drew a shaky breath. He pulled back to look at her.

"Are we good?"

Oh that smile, breaking through the tears that were silently running down her cheeks now.

"Yes. Yes we are."


	35. Shades of Grey

**This feels a little darker than CoC usually is - but I think it fits the episode. Beta'd by the very busy ebineez01. Thanks a lot!**

**~o0o~**

"Why did you do this."

It wasn't a question, it was an accusation. And she didn't raise her voice. Which didn't mean she wasn't pissed. Actually he would have preferred her to yell. That would have been easier to take than this – cold rage, disgust, disappointment.

"Answer me."

He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Eyes trained at a spot behind her shoulder he said:

"You know why."

"No, I don't! Did you really just do it because you lost your patience, or was there a bigger picture!"

Again – not a question, but a demand to know. Since when had she started to talk to him like that anyway?

"Friends!" She huffed out a bitter laugh. "That's how you treat your _friends_?"

When she realized she would't get an answer she stared at him for a moment, and then she spit in his face. It burned his skin like acid.

"We'll I'd rather not consider myself your _f__riend_ then."

If he could only tell her.

Jack woke up in cold sweat. It took him longer than usual to get his mind cleared of the dream he just had. Or rather the nightmare. He softly touched his cheek and remembered the look in his 2IC's eyes, and it made him shiver. If Carter ever looked at him like that he was afraid he wouldn't survive it. Anger he could handle. But losing his teammate's respect and her trust was a horrible thought. And yet duty came first. He knew what he had to do. And he knew that it could easily lead to exactly that.

~o0o~

_Dear George._

_When you read this, I was KIA during operation "Shades of Grey". I need to ask you a personal favor: Please tell my team that whatever I said and did during this was part of the operation. And please try to reach retired Colonel Evelyn Myers. I know you can't tell her anything, but please explain to her as best you can under the circumstances._

_It was an honor serving with you, Sir._

_Jack O'Neill_

Jack read the letter one last time before putting it away with his personal things. No one would ever get to read it if things went according to plan. If not he just couldn't bear the thought of his team remembering him with anger, hurt or disdain.

~o0o~

He had to talk to Evelyn. But he couldn't. Now even less than all those other times. He called her anyway. He wasn't sure if he hoped for her to pick up the phone or not. When she did all he said was:

"It's me."

It was enough.

"Crap, Jack, what's going on?"

"I can't tell you. I can't believe I actually called you to tell you I can't tell you."

She let out a breath.

"I can't tell you how frustrating this is. I fell like punching a wall every time you give me that line, Jack."

There was a brief silence. Then he said:

"I know. I'm sorry", and hung up, his eyes closed and his jaw set.

He was alone.

~o0o~

When there was a knock on his door he briefly wondered what had taken them so long. He was absolutely sure they'd send Carter, so when Daniel entered he was equal part relieved and terrified. Not Danny. Foster kid, widower, civilian. Friend. Why hadn't they sent Carter, for crying out loud. She might have understood, even if he couldn't tell her, that it was about following orders. Or T – they could have pretended there were no emotions involved. But Danny of all people? Holy crap. He could tell the linguist refused to believe what the man he considered his closest friend was telling him. And Jack could tell the exact moment when Daniel finally believed him. The moment he bought that Jack O'Neill wasn't his friend and never had been. After all the things Jack had seen and done over the course of his career this felt like the most cruel thing he had ever done.

~o0o~

He called Evelyn again after the damn thing was through although he still couldn't tell her anything. He just needed someone to talk to after he'd successfully blown off his teammates. He thought he'd never forget the look on Danny's face nor the shock in Carter's eyes. He'd damaged his team in the line of duty, and it sucked.

Her could hear Evelyn draw a breath.

"I'm sorry about what I said last time, Jack. I know it's not your fault. You _can _tell me how you _feel_, right?"

"How I feel? Well like the biggest asshole in the history of assholes, that's how I feel."

"What did you do?"

He could _hear _her close her eyes and brace herself.

"I followed orders. It cost me my team."

"You're scaring me. Are they - ?"

"They're OK. They just might not consider themselves my team anymore. I lost their trust, Evelyn. You know what that means for a team leader."

She did. But she couldn't imagine what he might have done to make things that bad.

"Are they mad at you?"

"Mad, disappointed, hurt, I don't know."

"For following orders?"

"For not telling them."

She didn't know what to say to that so she went into soldier mode.

"Did you achieve the mission goal?"

"Yes. I just don't know if it was worth the price I'm paying."

_We drew straws. I lost._


	36. The other side

**I've been running around in some other fandom recently, so I haven't watched nor written a lot of SG-1. But just to let you know I still love Jack here's some CoC for you. Beta read by ebineez01. It's all her fault anyway :-D**

Jack sat at home phone in hand trying to make up his mind whether or not he should call. They had almost taken part in a world war for crying out loud. Based on his assessment of the situation. He ran his fingers through his hair. How had it come to that...he knew talking to Evelyn would make him feel better, but maybe he deserved feeling like crap. Which was when the phone in his hand started ringing. He didn't even try to suppress the smile at seeing the caller ID.

"Hey. How do you do that?"

Evelyn chuckled.

"What?"

"How do you always seem to know just when to call?" *

"I'm good?"

"Yes you are."

She turned serious.

"So what is it?"

"Another mission gone south."

"Is the team OK?"

"Yeah, they're fine. But this whole thing – it sounded so easy, too good to be true. We had the chance to form an alliance. These people could have given us everything we need, and what they wanted in return was almost nothing. And of course it was Daniel who was suspicious, and I told him to shut up, and of course he was right in the end. We would have made ourselves collaborators to genocide. A whole people erased by a racist, ignorant society. I..." ..._killed four men myself._ He couldn't tell her that. Those supposedly "unmanned drones", that turned out to be manned _after_ he'd shot them down. He had to take a breath.

"We're not achieving our mission goal, Evelyn. Not just the team I mean, but the whole program. Every time I think we found something, found an ally, there's a catch. This stuff just keeps exploding in our faces. And we're left empty handed and defenseless."

Ow. This was serious.

"What do I do, Evelyn?"

Clearly a rhetorical question, but a tricky one. Evelyn kept her voice gentle, making it clear that she wasn't making fun of him.

"All that we can do is keep breathing now." **

It got a tiny huff of laughter out of him.

"Yeah, I guess that's good advice."

"What can I do?"

"I don't know. Nothing I guess. Take my mind off it. Tell me something."

"Uh, OK. Let's see. Oh did I tell you there's a bunch of lectures coming up?"

"What? No!"

"Yes. Half a dozen states have expressed an interest of me doing lectures on the book. Not just the military – all sorts of schools and universities."

"That's amazing! Lots of the things you wrote could guide people – military as well as civilian."

That shut her up momentarily.

"Don't tell me you actually read it."

"Excuse me? Of course I read it! Any chance you'll be anywhere near the Springs?"

"Actually yes. We confirmed Denver last week. You wanna catch up with me afterward?"

"Forget about afterward. I'll try my best to be off the mission roster so I can be there!"

When he hung up Jack was actually feeling a lot better. How did she do that.

* * *

*stolen from a song. Someone?

** stolen from "The trick is to keep breathing" by Subsignal


	37. Divide and Conquer

**I wrote this along with the next chapter like two weeks ago - don't know why it didn't get posted. Obviously I was distracted. Sorry. Thanks to ebi for beta'ing. She was probably responsible for the delay to. Someone has to be ;-)**

As usual the SGC had been buzzing with activity, and the whole Za'tarc thing hadn't done anything to slow things down, so by the time Jack made it to the lecture hall Evelyn was already halfway through her speech. He slipped in as stealthyly as possible and stayed at the back of the room, leaning against the wall, watching her. She was practically glowing. She had to pause every now and then because people were cheering and applauding a lot, and she had the room completely wrapped around her little finger. After she was done they gave the audience the chance to ask her questions, and Jack was thrilled to see how many people of all ages and both genders lining up. And then he started to grin. Oh that would be fun.

He pushed off the wall and made his way to the end of the line. The moment the person before him was done he could see Evelyn's eyes go wide as she recognized him.

"I was wondering, Colonel, has there ever been someone under your command that you needed to get out from under you?"

He was so going to pay for this later if the look she gave him was anything to go by.

"Well I pride myself on my ability to deal with almost anything, but there is a limit to my patience. So if someone, under my direct command or not, is _really_ getting on my nerves, I do have ways to get rid of them. And no, they will not find the body."

She winked at him as the room broke into laughter once more, and she kept her eyes on him until he'd disappeared at the back again.

Half a hour later he knocked on the door to the office they had designated to her.

"Come!"

He entered and smiled at her, closing the door behind himself.

"You were amazing. I'm sorry I couldn't be here from the beginning."

Evelyn got up and hugged him.

"I'm glad you could make it at all. Busy times as usual?"

"Yeah well, we had the brass at the base and stuff."

_The president, actually...and some high ranking alien. Anyway. _

Evelyn let go.

"Sam couldn't come?"

"Oh right, she told me to apologize on her behalf. She's had – a hard time. I think she'd appreciate it if you could call her some day."

"What's up?"

"We lost someone recently, an ally she was close to. The one I told you about. He helped us with rescuing her dad."

"The one you were jealous of?"

"Me? I wasns't jealous. I liked Marty. He was a good man. Shouldn't have had to die."

Evelyn gathered her things and they went for dinner at a small restaurant. She told him everything about the lectures she had done as well as those still ahead. He could tell how much she liked the whole experience.

"So what's next?"

"I'll stay at my brother's until it's time for my next lecture, about a week."

"That's good. A chance to spend time with your family."

"Yeah, that's like a bonus", she smiled. But then she turned serious.

"What's up with you?"

"What do you mean?"

Evelyn gave him The Look. He sighed.

"Look, this is about you. You're on a roll, such a success. I really don't want to rain on your parade by going on about _my_ shit. Again."

She just kept looking at him.

"Tell me."

For a long moment he didn't answer her, his eyes anywhere but on her. Then he pulled himself together.

"She knows."

It took a beat, but then Evelyn bit her lip.

"Sam? You finally decided to tell Sam how you feel about her?"

"I didn't exactly – well, yeah I guess you could put it that way."

Evelyn started to smile.

"What about _her_?"

He ducked his head, uncharacteristically shy all of a sudden.

"For some strange reason unknown to mankind she – feels the same."

He looked up at her through his lashed, insecure and confused, and yet more happy and relaxed than she'd seen him in a long time.

Her smile widened.

"That's great!"

"Yeah, well, not much we can do about it. But it's nice to know."

"What, are you telling me nothing's gonna happen? Transfer, reassignment, retirement, some -"

"Leave it, Evelyn. Nothing has changed, effectively. But still. Kinda makes me happy."

Evelyn was still smiling, but it looked sad now. He deserved so much more. Jack returned the smile.

"Really. I'm good. We're good. Who knows...some day."


	38. Window of Opportunity

**In the middle of "Window of Opportunity" Jack takes another loop off – this time to call Evelyn.**

"Are you still at your brother's?"

"Yeah, one more day before I'll head off. Why?"

"I'd like to see you. I have ten hours, and there's something I can't tell you over the phone."

"Jack, you got me worried."

"No, it's nothing bad. In fact I think you'll like it."

~o0o~

They went for a walk and sat down on a bench. Jack checked that there was nobody within earshot, and then he turned to look at her.

"This might sound a little crazy – uh shit it's _definitely _gonna sound crazy."

He took a breath.

"OK, so this is where I tell you what I really do. All the classified stuff. I can talk about it."

"What, did it get declassified or did I get clearance?"

"You won't remember."

"What?"

"I'm stuck in a time loop. In a few hours your life will jump back to this morning and this conversation will never have taken place."

"Jack, you're not making sense."

"OK, right from the beginning. At a dig in Egypt, archeologists discovered this device..."

~o0o~

"That's what you do? You go through this gate to distant planets? Meet aliens?"

"Yes. In fact I'm working with one. Murray's name isn't really Murray. His name is Teal'c, and he's a Jaffa. He carries an infant Goa'uld in a pouch in his stomach. They're nasty buggers when they're mature. We've been fighting them for years."

Jack stopped when he saw the look on Evelyn's face.

"What's it like, Jack? Is it all war and destruction out there? Or is there beauty, too?"

He started to smile.

"It's amazing. Yes there are dangerous – well _beings_ out there, but there's also so much to see, so much to learn. Danny would be better at explaining all the cultures and how they're related and interact – I usually pretend not to get it. But it's amazing. I just wish Earth knew how much else is out there. Maybe we'd stick together instead of killing each other off if they did. Earth is awfully small if you look at the whole picture."

He took a deep breath and smiled.

"But yeah, there's beauty out there."

He gave her a moment to process all that he had told her. After a surprisingly short time he could see her switch to officer mode.

"So how are you planning on getting out of this time loop?"

"We don't know yet. Teal'c and I are the only ones remembering it, so we try to be as helpful as possible to our geeks, but it's slow going."


	39. Beneath the Surface

**Beta read by the lovely ebineez01 though I fiddled around with it afterwards. So any mistakes still in there are mine. **

**~o0o~**

**Evelyn calls to make an announcement. **

"There's gonna be a letter in the mail within the next few days."

"Well, it happens occasionally...mostly bills."

"From me, silly. Or actually from Kate."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, you see, Kate seems to think I have to celebrate my birthday -"

"Oh wait, this one's marking a decade, right?"

"Don't you dare say the number, Jack."

"What, scared of turning 60?"

"Jack! Wait until it's you, flyboy!"

"Which won't happen for a looooong time", he teased.

"You know what? I changed my mind. Consider yourself not invited. Despite what the fancy card might say."

He chuckled and waited for a moment, unsure if it was time to stop the teasing and play nice. Evelyn sighed.

"No, seriously. Kate is planning this thing that I'm not allowed to ask about, and I put your name on the list. I'd really like you to be there."

"I swear I'll do whatever I can to make it."

~o0o~

_Dear Jack,_

_our beloved Evelyn __is turning 60 this year and she refuses to acknowledge it. That's why I took matters in my own hands. The details are below. Pl__ease do not talk about them to Evelyn. Don't dress up too much. Oh and don't worry about presents. _

~o0o~

When Evelyn opened the door a huge smile spread across her face.

"Jack! You made it!"

"I'm sorry I didn't dress up, but I barely managed to catch my flight."

"That's OK. I'm just happy you're here."

He pulled her in a long hug.

"Happy birthday, Evelyn. I'm sorry I'm this late."

She led him in the house and got him a drink, and they talked a little before another guest needed her attention. Jack sat down and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again he watched Evelyn float through her party, talking and laughing and practically glowing. He wanted to dance with her, but she was always in conversation with somebody, and besides he was so tired... he dragged himself out of his armchair when he couldn't stall any longer. Making his way over to her he gently touched her arm. She turned to him with a smile.

"Jack!"

"It was a swell party."

"You can't be leaving already!"

"I have to, I'm sorry. I delayed my debriefing in order to make it here, but I have to report to Hammond first thing tomorrow. I'm really sorry. You keep celebrating your birthday, and I'll give you a call soon, OK?"

"Are you OK?"

"I will be."

He kissed her cheek and smiled at her, and then he was gone.

~o0o~

They talked on the phone a few days later. Evelyn said she was glad that Kate had organized a party and that she'd had a lot of fun. Then she paused.

"Yet I could tell that you were – quiet. Subdued even. What was wrong?"

She could hear him sigh.

"The mission that caused me to be so late? We were stuck once more, and we were brainwashed again. Given new identities. We didn't remember being in the air force – which meant we didn't remember the regs either."

"Oh. Sam."

"Yes. For a little while I was allowed to act – freely around her. I liked the way she was looking at me, the way she laughed at my jokes. I liked it a lot. But when we sorted the whole thing out and the time came to leave that place I could see her slip back into her role. The way she called me 'sir'...it felt like a bucket of ice water was being dumped on me."

"It hurt to see her treat you like her CO again after what you'd had."

"Yeah."

There was a brief silence.

"You know, it was like a glimpse of what we could be like. And then it was ripped from me."

Evelyn didn't know what to tell him besides that she knew how much it hurt.

~o0o~

**Whumper me just loves the look on Jack's face when Sam calls him 'Sir' at the end. Like something is dying inside him. Poor Jack :-(**


	40. Abyss

**Hello you beautiful people!**

**I'm aware that I owe you an apology because I've been seriously side tracked recently and completely abandoned this story. I wrote this chapter an eon ago waiting desperately for the day I could post it. So I decided to make a two year time jump in the story in order to be able to give it to you. It's very close to my heart because it deals with my all time ever favorite episode. I'm into whump, I can't help it, and I feel like TPTB let Jack get over things way too quickly. Oh and you folks do still remember that this is an M rated story, right? Just saying.**

Sam was sitting on her couch when her phone rang.

"Carter?"

"Hey Sam, this is Evelyn Myers."

"Evelyn! It's good to hear your voice! How are you?"

"Well actually I'm a little worried. I've been trying to reach Jack, and that's always a hard thing to do, but he doesn't even answer my messages. The fact that _you're _home is reassuring, but – ah well I guess all I'm trying to say is: Do I need to be concerned?"

When Sam didn't answer Evelyn's heart missed a beat.

"He isn't – is he?"

"No, no he's fine. Well actually he's probably not _fine_, but he isn't missing." _Anymore._

They talked briefly, and Evelyn decided she had to come and check on him. She hadn't liked what Sam had told her. If anything, she was more worried then before.

~o0o~

Evelyn knocked, but there was no answer. Remembering Sam's words she tried turning the door knob. The door opened, and she carefully stepped in.

"Jack?"

It was dark, but she didn't turn on the light. She just waited for her eyes to adjust. When they did she realized he was standing at the glass doors that led to the deck, looking out.

"Jack, please. What's going on?"

"Go away, Evelyn."

He hadn't turned. His voice was completely flat. She couldn't tell if he was angry. She took one step closer.

"Jack, please don't do this."

"Go. Away."

Still low, but cold as ice. It hurt her more than she could take. She swallowed once.

"If you change your mind, just say so."

She could barely keep from touching him, but she just knew he wouldn't tolerate it right now. In fact for the first time in her life he was scaring her. She waited for a moment, but when he didn't move or speak she backed out, worried to death but unwilling to violate his privacy. She just hoped to God that he would open up to her again. Soon.

When Jack heard his front door close he sat down on his couch and covered his face with his hands. He felt relieved to be alone, but at the same time he was so lonely he actually felt like crying. Oh he had felt like this in that damn cell, unable to break the endless circle of pain and death and resurrection, betrayed by that goddamn snake, left by his friends, desperate and alone. Daniel's visits _had_ been comforting, but when he realized he wouldn't help him he felt betrayed again. He'd been angry, but then anger had given way to despair more and more with every time he woke in that damn sarcophagus. And yes, he had cried, losing himself in agony. And then he had lost what little relief he had had from that when there hadn't even been tears anymore.

He made a conscious decision not to got there. He was touched by Evelyn's concern, and he felt guilty about treating her the way he had. She certainly didn't deserve that. But what should he have told her? It had always been a fine line, but this time there was exactly _nothing_ he could tell her. He couldn't explain how he had survived that amount of pain, how severe those sessions in Ba'al's torture chamber had really been. He couldn't explain to her what had gotten him into the situation to begin with - a snake in his head? Yeah sure. He couldn't tell her how he had managed to get out. He was just tired of it all. Tired of all the sacrifices he had made. And there was nothing anybody could do about the way he felt. Or actually didn't feel. There was nothing left. When he was released from the infirmary he was relieved, glad he could go home. But unlike all the other times he didn't feel like taking some leave and relaxing at the cabin, nor was he anxious to get back on the roster. He told himself he was fine just being home. But the fact was – he wasn't. He had managed to get cleared by McKenzie, probably because he knew what to tell him by now, but he knew he wasn't OK. He knew depression when he saw it. And he had seen it before. Not wanting to get up in the morning, hoping the world might pass him by if he simply stayed away from it. Feeling nothing, not being interested in anything, not leaving the house. He was screwed, and he knew it. Ba'al had been very thorough, and the withdrawal symptoms from the sarcophagus just made it worse. He gave a brief thought to Evelyn, who would certainly be worried to death, but he knew he didn't have it in him to do anything about that.

Evelyn had been sitting on Jack's front porch for a while now. She couldn't quite bring herself to call a cab, but she really didn't know what to do instead. Her heart broke for the man behind that door, and she desperately needed to know what was going on. When she had talked to Sam the younger woman hadn't told her much, only that Jack had been captured and it had taken them some time to get him out. Evelyn was enough of a soldier to know what that implied, and the fact that Jack had spent some time in the infirmary – which had meant she couldn't fly in to see him right after talking to Sam on the phone – spoke volumes, too. She made a decision.

Jack didn't look up when Evelyn let herself in again. Finding him sitting on the couch, his face still buried in his hands, she stepped closer and knelt down by the couch. She was still scared, but she just couldn't leave him like this. While she was trying to think of the right thing to say or do she heard a muffled sound coming from him. He let his hands fall away but didn't look at her.

"I'm sorry."

Low, strained.

"It's OK."

"No, it's not. I know you are trying to help me, and you didn't deserve the way I treated you."

"They why did you do it?"

He looked utterly spent.

"I can't take any more, Evelyn. I barely hold myself together, and it feels like it's getting worse every day. I'm done."

She still knelt. Very carefully she touched his knee.

"Is there _anything_ you can tell me?"

He shook his head. A moment later he slipped off the couch and sat next to her on the floor.

"I probably don't deserve it after the way I -"

"Jack, stop it."

He ran a hand through his hair. They sat very close, and still she nearly missed his next words:

"Can you please hold me, Evelyn?"

Tears shot to her eyes as she opened her arms for him, and after a moment's hesitation he settled down on the floor and put his head in her lap. She cried silently while she gently stroked his hair for what felt like an eternity. All of a sudden he started to talk.

"I felt like this before. In 1991 Frank Cromwell left me for dead in Iraq, and when I made it back four month later I _felt _like I was dead, like I was frozen stiff. Numb. Five years later - _something_ happened that pushed me back into that hole again and ended my marriage. And here I am now. Welcome back to my personal hell. Pathetic, I know."

He buried his face in her lap. They stayed like that for a long time, but finally Evelyn said:

"Jack, please let's get up."

She thought he hadn't heard her, but then he forced himself to sit up. They both painfully felt the loss of contact. She tried to make eye contact, but he refused.

"Jack, please!"

She was begging, desperately in need to see his eyes. She touched his shoulder, a feather light caress that asked for his permission. He didn't avoid her touch, but he still didn't look at her. She slid around and knelt behind his back. Her hands on his shoulders she started a tender massage. After a while he relaxed a little. His head sank to his chest. She leaned in to plant the softest of kisses on the back of his neck.

"You need someone to talk about this, Jack."

He didn't react.

"Since you can't tell _me_, who else is there you could talk to?"

He sighed at her persistence.

"Someone with clearance you mean?"

"Yes."

"That would be the team, the general and the shrink."

"And?"

"I did talk to the shrink. No way will I bare my soul to that guy."

"General Hammond is a good man -"

"And my CO. No."

"Sam?"

"No way. I'm not imposing this mess on her. She feels guilty anyway for not getting to me earlier."

"Your new team member – uhm, Jonas? I guess he's too new?"

"I barely know the guy."

"So that leaves Murray."

"Yeah. That leaves Murray."

"So? Could you talk to him?"

"Well he's not the talkative type."

"He's a real friend, right? Someone you trust?"

"With my life. Not necessarily with my soul."

"Would he understand?"

Jack thought back to everything T had been through. Yes. He would.

"Somehow it just doesn't feel right."

"Find something that does."

He turned and finally looked at her.

"What'd you mean?"

She moved away from him. They were seated on the floor now, facing each other.

"I don't know. Maybe you don't have to sit down to talk. Just – spend some time with him."

He closed his eyes and let his head rest back against the couch.

"I could do that, I guess."

~o0o~

A few hours later the phone rang. Evelyn considered picking it up for a moment, but decided against it. When the answering machine activated she heard Jack's voice.

"Evelyn? Pick up that phone, it's me."

He sounded strange, and she immediately knew this was urgent.

"Jack? Where are you?"

"I'm parked about three blocks from my house. Don't think I can drive."

"OK, stay put. I'll come and get you."

She memorized what he told her about the direction and moved out. She knew her body and especially her legs, and she knew what she could and could no do. She felt like taking off at top speed, but she knew she would be no good to Jack by the time she reached him if she did that. So she forced herself into the slow but steady pace that she had gotten used to after her accident. To keep her mind away from what might have happened to Jack she thought back to the endless hours of training she had gone through, to the patience and determination Chris, her physiotherapist, had shown until she had finally been back on her own two feet. The last time her knees had given way was months back, and she hoped they wouldn't forsake her now of all times.

She spotted Jack's truck as soon as she turned the corner. Picking up the pace she closed the distance and tapped at the window. He looked terrible. He was awfully pale beneath his usual tan, there was a thin layer of sweat on his face, and when she looked closely she could see his hands were shaking. He simply looked completely drained.

"Jack? What on earth happened to you?"

"I'm OK, just – overdid a little."

"You – _what?_"

"Can you get me home – please?"

"Sure. Move over."

She got in the car and started the engine. Jack was silent. She looked at him from the corner of her eye while she drove. His head lay back against the head rest. Maybe he was asleep. When they arrived at his house she turned to fully look at him.

"Wanna tell me -"

"Please, Evelyn, can we get in?"

She wasn't sure if he'd make it there on his own, but apparently he thought he would. She was relieved when he finally reached his couch, sitting down for a moment and then laying back. She still didn't know what to make of this. He looked like he had collapsed after pushing himself too far, but he was in perfect shape and certainly knew his limits. This didn't make sense. Unless - he had done this deliberately. Exhausted himself until there was nothing left. It was self destructive, but maybe liberating at the same time. Or so she hoped.

"Did you meet Murray?"

"Head on", he mumbled without opening his eyes.

Evelyn couldn't believe it.

"You are telling me you were sparring and he let it go _this _far?"

Jack sat up and looked at her.

"No. When he thought I had enough he refused to go on. God, I dealt him blow after blow. I was so pissed, out of control. Nobody but Murray could have dealt with that."

He winced.

"I did land one or two..."

Evelyn couldn't help but smile.

"I guess he'll live."

"Yeah. I guess."

When Jack didn't seem to feel like going on she pressed him on:

"So? If _Murray _knew when it's enough...?"

"I left the base and drove here, but on the way I was still restless. So I parked the truck and went for a run, mostly uphill, until I _really _couldn't go on any more. Guess I should have stopped in time to be able to drive...sorry. Not very reasonable."

Evelyn shook her head, but her smile was still there. She was relieved to know that he was OK. He might even be feeling better she thought. Really better.

"You're aware that you'll be all stiff and sore tomorrow?"

"M-hm."

"Tell you what. Why don't you get into the tub and I make dinner in the meantime. You must be seriously hypoglycemic."

For a moment she thought he'd protest, but then he simply got up. Halfway through the door he stopped and looked at her.

"You know you don't have to do this. Any of this. I didn't even say thank you for picking me up. Hell, I didn't even_ think_ about your legs."

She stepped closer and lightly touched his shoulder.

"I'm OK, Jack. You're welcome."

She turned towards the kitchen.

"Get into that tub. If there's no sound I'll come check if you drowned."

When dinner was ready and the table was set and there was still no sign of him she seriously wondered what was up. She knocked at the bathroom door but didn't get an answer, so she carefully entered. And found him sound asleep. He looked exhausted, but relaxed. Affection hit her. Hard. She had convinced herself that she was his friend and nothing else, but seeing him like this blew her self control to pieces. He was done, and vulnerable – and very naked. She sat down on the edge of the tub and looked at his face. When he still didn't stir she bent down to place a light kiss on his forehead.

"Hey sleepyhead. Water has to be stone cold by now."

She had been afraid she might startle him, but he just opened his eyes and smiled up at her.

"Come in and find out."

She laughed out loud and got up.

"Get out of there or the pasta will be cold as well", she called back over her shoulder. Back at the kitchen she had to sit down. She didn't want this. She knew how he felt about Sam, and her and Jack had been so long ago. And yet she couldn't help but imagine him while he got out of the tub. Oh she remembered that body...

Her heart stopped when she felt his hands on her shoulders. Oh God she had zoned out completely and didn't even notice him coming down the hall! She couldn't do this. How could she sit across the table from him, making conversation over pasta when inside she was dying to touch him. She closed her eyes against the sudden sting of tears. She recognized the signs. She was coming down from some sort of adrenaline high after all they had been through today, and she was close to losing it. Royally. He noticed without even seeing her face.

"Hey", he said, his hands still on her shoulders. "It's OK."

'No, it's not', she was trying to say, but she couldn't. Neither could she prevent the tears from running down her cheeks any longer.

"Hey", he said again, squatting down next to her, and she turned to him and buried her face in the crook of his neck. He held her until she had calmed down.

"_Now _the pasta's _definitively _cold", she saidwith a trace of tears still in her voice.

"Microwave", Jack said and took care of their plates. They ate in silence, but it was a comfortable, if a little exhausted silence. After they had finished he got up and held his hand out to her, leading her back to the living room. They sat down on the couch side by side.

"You wanna tell me what the tears were about?"

There it was again. She couldn't put it in words, so she forced herself to look at him, let him see. She could tell the exact moment he understood. And she was aware of how rare it was for him to actually let it show. It only served to make things worse. She swallowed once and took a deep breath, and when she spoke there was something like pain in her voice:

"I'm aching for you, Jack. This is killing me."

He couldn't resist. A storm of emotions raced over him. He was so tired, so sore, and so shaken. He didn't care if it was for her comfort or his or both, and he didn't care if anyone thought it might be wrong. He needed her. He fixed his eyes on hers. It was still there, and it touched something in his soul and made his body respond. She closed her eyes and leaned into him. They kissed, softly, even shyly, until they were both sure it was what the other wanted. And then it turned into passion, and lust, and need. They remembered each other. Evelyn forced herself to go slow. She relished sliding her hands under his t-shirt. She slipped it over his head ever so slowly, enjoying every chance to touch him. He settled back against the couch, happy to let her have her way. Why had he denied himself to feel this, he wondered. She was amazing, tender and devoted and yet so strong. When she reached for his belt he stopped her.

"Wait", he said, hoarse and low, lust evident in his eyes. He wanted this to last. He sat up, bending into her, kissing her throat until she moaned under his mouth.

"Please take me to bed, Jack", she said, and all mockery and banter was gone from her voice. She needed him, she wanted him, and she was willing to beg. He considered carrying her for a moment, but realized his back probably wouldn't withstand that. So he just got up and took her hand. She turned to look at him, and her eyes never left his while she let him direct her backwards towards the bedroom. She sat down on the bed, reaching for his belt again, and this time he didn't stop her. He just closed his eyes, and his head fell back. She opened his belt and his jeans, and he vibrated with anticipation. But she took her time, reining in her desire. She stroked him through his briefs, sliding his jeans down with her other hand, and then her lips followed her fingers. He was starting to lose himself in her touch – _so_ good. No. Wait. He stopped her again. She looked up at him, and everything she felt for him was there: lust, desire, devotion. He swallowed hard. Maybe this was wrong. Maybe he didn't deserve this. Maybe – she ran the tip of her tongue across his stomach, just above the waistband. Maybe he just didn't care. He pulled her up and kissed her more fiercely then before, his hands framing her face. She responded to him, melting into his body, opening up to him. He moaned into her mouth, and it evoked an incredible rush of heat right from her core. Her knees gave way. Literally. He caught her against his body and held her for a moment.

"Didn't you say you wanted me to take you to bed?"

He still held her, equal parts unsure if she would be able to stand and not wanting to let go.

"Yes, I did."

He decided his back was just fine and lifted her up. She snuggled against his chest, her face against his neck, breathing in his scent. For a moment he stood perfectly still, feeling her lips on his skin, and there was the tip of her tongue trailing along his collar bone. And then he gently laid her down on the bed and propped himself up on his elbow next to her. Again she had to look up at him, and again he thought she was adorable. She reached up to touch his cheek. Her fingers moved over his jaw.

"You are amazing, Jack", she said, and there was plain love in it. He bent down and covered her mouth in a slow, sensual kiss. She couldn't stop the moan that escaped her, nor could she keep her body from arching up against him. She reached out to put her hands on his shoulder blades, pulling him down, desperately needing to feel him, and spread her legs for him. When she felt the full weight of his body her head fell back and her hips moved against him. How could she want him this badly! He stilled, taking in her scent, the warmth of her skin, and started trailing kisses from her throat to her stomach. She squirmed beneath his mouth, wanting to be rid of her pants. For a moment she was afraid he'd stall, but he pulled them down in one go, along with her panties and socks, and buried his face in her lap. She let out a moan that was almost a sob.

"You're so wet for me", he breathed, and it turned her on even more. She wanted him, needed him so badly it hurt.

"Please take me!"

She was begging, and she couldn't care less. She'd surrender to him completely, trusting him, giving him everything she had, aiming to please him. She could hear his jaw set. He got rid of his briefs, and then he entered her, slow and deep, thrust after thrust. She lifted her hips to meet him, and he grabbed a pillow and put it under her butt. The new angle made her gasp. She dug her nails into his back, and he arched into her. She felt her climax approach, much quicker than she'd expected, and she cried out, muffled against his chest as she came. He held her against him, not sure if she was getting enough air, but needing her to ground himself. He was so close, but he refused to let go. Not yet. Make it last. Make us last. She kissed his chest and he let go.

"Roll over", she panted, and he complied. When she lowered herself down on him he groaned and grabbed her butt with both hands. She started a slow sweet pace that almost made him lose his mind. When she picked up the pace he grit his teeth and his head hit the pillow.

"You want me to finish you off?", she rasped right into his ear.

"Oh God yes!"

She laced her fingers with his, holding his hands down on the bed, and a moment later he came. She let him ride it out, moving with him until he stilled, and then she collapsed onto his body.

"So good", he mumbled against her neck, and she just smiled and kissed his shoulder. So true.

~o0o~

They lay side by side, each lost in thought. When Evelyn finally turned to look at him she was shocked to see the tension around his eyes and the brutal gritting of his teeth. He didn't meet her eyes and it broke her heart. He was regretting this!

"Hey", she whispered, her eyes pleading with him to look at her. He briefly closed his eyes and swallowed, and then he turned to her.

"I'm sorry, Evelyn. God I'm so sorry. This shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have -"

"Shhh."

She shook her head with a small smile.

"I'm not - sorry, I mean. And what do you mean _you_ shouldn't have?"

Her smile got wider as she propped herself up on her elbow." The way I remember it there were two people involved."

She leaned in and kissed his cheek. More seriously she went on:

"Don't you dare feel guilty about this, Jack. We don't owe anything to anybody, and we both needed this. So what's wrong about it?"

"I don't care about _anybody_. This is about _you. _I regret taking advantage of – what you feel for me. I'm scared to the bone I screwed up – again. I'm scared this will come back to bite us in our lovely asses, and I'm sorry I'm making this so hard on you."

"Jack, please. I'm fine! I don't know why it doesn't hurt, but the fact is - it doesn't. Maybe this was what I needed to – I don't know, finally get over you."

He burst out laughing.

"Now _that's_ sweet, thank you very much."

She realized what it must have had sounded like and started laughing, too. It took her some time until she could speak again. Wiping the tears from her eyes she said:

"If I had known this would work I'd jumped you years ago."

It made him chuckle, and all of a sudden he realized he wasn't miserable. Things were starting to look brighter, and life would eventually be good. He really didn't understand how he could possibly deserve this woman in his life, but if she was OK with being part of it who was he to complain. He framed her face with his hands and looked at her, all serious now.

"I'm eternally grateful to have you in my life, Evelyn."

And that brought fresh tears to her eyes, so she closed them with a smile that got wide and warm when she felt his lips brush against her temple.

"So am I", she said, and for the first time since Second Lieutenant Jonathan J. O'Neill had stood to attention in her office millennia ago she felt completely at ease around him. Yes, she still loved him, and no, it didn't hurt anymore.

**The end**

**I'd like to say thank you for sticking with me on the ride. I greatly enjoyed writing this story. Now it's time to move on. Who knows, maybe I'll come back to Evelyn - whom I've grown quite fond of - some day. Take care everybody.**


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